My story to try and explain why I am here

[eeejaybee]

Hi all,

I have always struggled with personal relationships. When people get to know me we stay solid and friends for years. When I was a teenager I moved away from home to the other side of the country to live a real life...20 years later I am isolated and very lonely. I met a guy when I was in my mid 20s and we had a child together, but I couldn’t settle with him because he was an excuse maker and I didn’t want that for the rest of my life, in the end we were barely friends anyway so it was easy to walk away. Since then I have completed studies, got a great (if not high paying) job and was feeling better about me as a person. He has moved on and gotten married and had more kids, which is great for them I wish them well.

After being a solo person for 10 years I had the good fortune of meeting up with a friend I had lost contact with about two years ago. He had been made some poor choices and was now divorced. So we started up a physical relationship in January. Midway through this year while I thought things were still fairly casual with him I got scared (10 years in the solo wilderness will do that) and tried to talk to him and gauge where he was at, it was probably bad timing because I had to pick my child up from work and the conversation was rushed. I thought we had parted that evening with an understanding that when he was ready I would be there for him.

Apparently he did not hear that. He subsequently went on and started developing feelings for someone else and about 2months later after still coming and seeing me told me things had started getting serious with her.

I was devastated and it was the final blow that sent me crumbling into a well of depression.

I don’t think then relationship break up is what caused my depression I think I had already been suffering and struggling, but being a single parent for 15 years I just kept on pushing through.

When I ended up in the GPs for the second time in a month crying in front of her she pescribed me some antidepressants. It’s been a tough couple of weeks while I get over the relationship and rejection, but I am getting there. The tablets help me with my anxiety and heading out into the real world is so much less daunting now.

I guess I am leaving this post because I am finally admitting I have depression and anxiety and have had it all my life, but I have got help and it is working for me. 🤞

I am still lonely and isolated and Christmas is going to be hard, so I will still be around to check in.

e

[Croix]

Dear Eeejaybee~

I've read this and your other posts and think you are a person that prizes honesty and reliability as well as affection in a relationship. The two people you have described to not come up to that mark, the first by making excuses rather than doing -or admitting fault, and the second by what sounds like a total lack of communication. It is all very well to say a conversation is rushed. From my own experience if I really wanted to be with someone I would not leave it at that but keep trying - he did not but went off elsewhere.

So in both cases although it has made you lonely and is the probable cause of self doubt you have steered clear of two liabilities life has offered you. Being devastated and reacting so strongly is very natural and an indication of your reliance on sincerity - there are people that would meet your expectations and needs, you simply have not found anyone yet - no reflection on you at all, just life.

As someone who has had anxiety and bouts of depression for a very long time I can say that correct treatment makes an awful lot of difference and hopefully you will improve greatly. It does, as you would know, take a while for some medications to become fully effective. If you are gaining benefit already that is most encouraging.

Do you have anyone in your life to support you , family or friend? Trying to bear these burdens alone is hard, and someone to talk with who cares can be a great help.

If I understand correctly your child is now around 15, at that age there is the possibility of supporting each other, is that the case with you?

Christmas is a very hard time for a lot of people, there is something about it that brings out loneliness and often great unhappiness. Do you have any plans to cover the period and lessen its impact?

Croix.

[eeejaybee]

Thanks Croix,

Your words are very kind and well measured. I agree with what you said about if he had really wanted to be with me he would have kept trying, but I also know that I sometimes have difficulty reading people and their intentions and may have missed some cues. I know I have to move on he has made his choice, but it is still fresh and I have lost a friend into the bargain too.

I think this relationship fail has only highlighted the fact I don't have a good solid support group around me. My mother and I have a difficult relationship owing to her alcohol issues and flat refusal to recognise the problem. I was able to cope with her until I found out when she was helping me by driving my child to school in the primary school years while I was at work she was not always sober behind the wheel. I have had quite a bit of difficulty forgiving that action especially as I was always willing to help her when she needed some support. There is a lot to unpack with my relationship with her.

My teenager and I have a solid relationship and this issue has shown me that this kid is a good person. They are going through their own stuff at the moment with exams and the start of their first love so I have tried not to lean on them too much, but their humour and love has saved me a lot of pain.

I have some friends but again they are really going through some tough times with loved family members being very unwell and I would rather be there to support them through this than burden them with my woes. That doesn't mean I haven't spoken to them and in a way my problems has given them a distraction from their troubles.

Most of my family and friends are over the other side of the country and the cost of flying is prohibitive for my single income. I have got some sessions with a psychologist coming up to help fortify me over the Christmas period because I will be spending some time alone again during this time and I just don't have the strength to do it on my own this year.

And that sums up why I have joined these forums. From what I have read from yours and other peoples responses to cries of help this is where I need to be right now.

e

[Croix]

Dear Eeejaybee~

I'm glad you decided to come and over the Christmas period there will be many to chat with, I see Kanga has already started a Christmas thread here:

Forums / BB Social Zone / CHRISTMAS 2017/NEW YEARS Chillout Lounge

nothing like getting in early for Christmas I guess.

One of the things I do suggest to people who feel at a loose end over the period is to consider lending a hand at one of the main charitable organizations - all of whom are hard pressed at this time. I mean of course the Salvos. St Vinnies and so on. There is a huge range of tasks that need doing, from handing out soup to visiting with something happening in most areas of the country.

Not only does one have the satisfaction of helping society but one meets many interesting people and one's efforts are really felt to be appreciated. True one can feel reluctant or that it is a bit daunting, however that quickly fades.

About your mother, I'm afraid people with an alcohol problem do not realize how far there actions can be from what is acceptable - your mother's driving being a good example. If she does not see the problem than everyone is stuck - her included. Sadly it can take a big jolt such as an auto crash or the body starting to pack up to make them see. It is an illness of course.

I'm happy for you your teen is a good person -and has a sense of humor - a pretty good thing to have. Love does make all the difference

Croix