My partners marijuana addiction

[yayita]

I grew up surrounded by marijuana, both my parents are heavy smokers, my dad suffered from drug-induced psychosis and I had a fairly anxiety-ridden childhood due to all the above. Due to those experiences, I have always had a negative stigma towards marijuana and I have always known that I will never bring up my children in the same environment.

From the ages of 20-23, I used to be a heavy smoker, it was an addiction fueled by depression and PTSD from my childhood.

Since I first met my boyfriend, I've always known he is a heavy everyday smoker. He doesn't like drinking so has substituted that with marijuana. Since being with my partner I have gone in and out of excessive marijuana use, to none at all. I have thankfully been clean for quite some time now and seem to have fully grown out of the independence I have had with marijuana.

My partner is the kindest man I've ever known. Everyone absolutely loves him, he is so easy to get along with, he's smart, gentle and is a person who women dream of. He has never been abusive with me and is basically his sweet self when he is high.

As our relationship has progressed, I have repeatedly explained that I do not want marijuana to be part of my life. We fight and argue that he does not want to give it up, that he doesn't have an issue with marijuana, and I make too much of a big deal about it and that it isn't a terrible thing. My boyfriend of over four years told me that he will no longer smoke weed once we have children.

I'm 27 now and he has mentioned getting engaged more and more. The thought of getting married gives me anxiety as each day passes. I've expressed all this to him and he always tells me that I "can't tell the future". I aware of this but I don't want to chance all this heartache on when we finally have kids. That could be three or four years from now.

Besides from the marijuana addiction, he has also hidden his financial issues from me (i.e. getting loans that he cannot afford - this has happened more than three times now and I've only ever found out by chance, he has never told me and I've always had to confront him about it). Our most recent argument, he mentioned again that he'll be quitting once we have children. He may never quit and I feel that he is only using that as an excuse to keep me from leaving him.

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi Yayita,

Welcome to the forum. This sounds like a really tough situation for you. If I am hearing you correctly, you have tolerated your partners marijuana use for a long period of time and you have also struggled with using but are now clean and want to move on to the next chapter of your life which is getting engaged and having kids. You have found yourself in a position where you want your partner to make the change towards quitting now rather than waiting until you have children.

This is always a tough one and there is a lot of discussion on the forum about supporting a person to reduce or stop their use of alcohol and drugs. It can be really difficult to make a person stop using unless they are ready and want to change. Your partner has indicated he is not ready to change now but has indicated he will be ready in the future. There are few questions you might pose to yourself:

* Do I trust the fact that things will be different in the future?

*Am I willing to wait for the future to find out?

These are really big questions for you and it would be normal for you to be experiencing some stress. Be kind to yourself during this time. It sounds like you really value your partner and want to get to a place where you can move forward with him. But at the same time, you want to live a clean life style if you move forward together and you want him to be on the same page as you. A suggestion I have is for you to make an appointment and talk with someone external to your situation, perhaps a counsellor or even your Doctor to start with. Talking out loud about a problem can help you find the solutions.

I have attached a few links that you might find helpful.

https://adf.org.au/alcohol-drug-use/supporting-a-loved-one/

https://www.relationships.org.au/relationship-advice/relationship-advice-sheets/enriching-your-relationship-1

Another strategy could be to call the Beyond Blue support line and have a chat about your situation. The operators might help you find the direction you are looking for and sometimes just having a chat out loud can be really helpful. They are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn