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My Partner Thinks About Other Women
My partner and I have been going through a really rough time the last week and a half. It’s only a semi new relationship and we also moved in together about a month ago. But right now I’m hurt and I don’t know what to think/feel.
We use to be so infatuated with each other, always complimenting each other, always saying how much we mean to one another and yes eventually it dies off. My partner has become some what paranoid and slightly angry. He thinks he sees me do something and when I try to talk to him he ends up getting upset/angry I don’t understand. This went on for a few days last week and we had since spoken about how he needs to work on his mental health by getting back into meditation, writing in a journal and stretching (he use to do all of this when we first got together but along the way stopped doing it). He said himself that he has been getting paranoid & angry & he doesn’t really know the reason why.
Everything seemed fine & back on track until I did something I completely regret (& I know it was completely a breach of privacy & I’m kicking myself for doing it so please no hate on this post as I was only trying to get an understanding of what he was thinking) I read his last entry in his journal. It was addressing that he’s feeling a lot better mentally, then I got to the part that said ‘I can’t stop thinking about other women at the moment & I definitely don’t want to do that to (my name), I can’t.’
So now I am absolutely heartbroken. I confronted him, apologised for snooping and had a good cry (both of us) as he felt betrayed and I felt heartbroken. He swore they’re just thoughts and he wrote them down as he doesn’t understand them and is trying to get rid of them - but he would never ever cheat or entertain someone else which he swears by.
It’s hard as he’s told me how he was in a resentful relationship previously and they had both cheated on each other, but our relationship is nothing like theirs was. So I still get worried there’s a possibility he could.
I guess I’m torn on what to do and how to think. I’m gutted he’s thinking about other women, I have a million questions going through my head & now I’m wondering if he’s thinking about them while he’s with me.. I can’t stop crying as the sentence keeps popping into my head. What can I do to get over this? We both love each other, we’ve both discussed how we need time and we’re on the right track to making this relationship better - but I can’t stop thinking about it..
Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story so honestly.
I can feel you are upset after reading what your partner wrote.
I can understand this has upset you .
I journal to me is private and I would be upset if anyone read any of my inner most thoughts. A journal is a chance to go through ones ideas and thoughts and try to make sense of them. They are not real and the reason I write in a journal is so I don't say my thoughts out loud and upset people.
He told you the following which agrees with what I said about what a journal is for.
"He swore they’re just thoughts and he wrote them down as he doesn’t understand them and is trying to get rid of them - but he would never ever cheat or entertain someone else which he swears by."
think the fact he wrote these feelings down and has not acted on them but is trying to get rid of them shows how hard he is trying and how much he loves you.
f you can try and think about the fact he wants to get rid of these thoughts, how much he wants to make the relationship work, rather than what you read.
Maybe you could write down how you are feeling in a journal and work out what you can do to see things in a different way.
Keep the conversation going here if you want.
You are both trying and being so honest with each other.
Thank you for your reply!
I know going through it was the wrong move on my behalf, but in a way it’s made me wonder what else he’s thinking - and if what he says is really true as he’s having the complete opposite thoughts?
It’s such a hard situation, I can see he’s trying and feels bad - but the sentence just keeps circling in my head. I’m trying so hard to put it away and forget I saw it, but now when I look at him I sit there wondering if he’s thinking about other people.. When he touches me if he thinks about someone else.
The advice my sister gave me was to take a break (not break up, just go stay at my mums or hers for a few days) to give both of us some space.. Not to break up or think about breaking up - just a few days to think about ourselves as we are always together when we aren’t working.. But it breaks my heart even at the thought of spending a night away from him.
I know all of this takes time, that’s all I can hold on to for now. But what if those thoughts stay in his head? Or if this now stays in mine?
He looks at me and can see I’m sad, he keeps asking what’s wrong and I eventually shed a tear and said ‘I can’t stop thinking about it’ and he just goes silent.
I don’t know if I have the right to ask him who, or what he was thinking about as that’s really what is going on in my mind. I’m constantly wondering now what these thoughts were and who they were about.. I honestly don’t even know if I want to really know. But I’m just struggling to forget about it ever since I saw it, especially considering when he wrote it we were in a good place..
I would also never read the journal again.
I know it can be tempting though. So do not blame yourself for doing so. We've all had weak moments like that.
I would ask him if possible to make some effort to hide the journal. If you find it, let him know so that it can be re-hidden - to remove that temptation.
What you've read in his journal is his personal battle & he recognises that he does not like these thoughts.
This is a good thing!
Many people do occasionally think about others. It is in some ways human nature.
What follows thoughts is the problem and this has not happened!
For many right now - with the climate we're experiencing - are struggling with all kinds of emotions.
Try concentrate on the good memories you have of your relationship, try your best to create some of those memories similar. If you're feeling sad, or cant stop thinking about it. Try reading a book - I find books great for de-stressing & allowing yourself to shift your thoughts.
I think you still have a great platform for a terrific relationship. Keep at it! 😄
From another male point of view here.
An old friend was approached by my first wife and she said “he is always looking at other ladies” to which he replied “start worrying when he stops”
So in essence as Jon B said, thinking about other women is normal but acting on those urges is not.
Your partner has also acknowledged it is an issue he has and to put it in a journal highlights this.
Im sorry but this event won’t be the first time an issue comes up between you. So, what would happen if you had approached things differently? He admitted he has a problem and more importantly he worries about it- that means he needs help and support.
Sometimes our automatic reactions are not ideal. Also, please be wary of advice, as I don’t think staying away will help, if anything it will certainly make your partner feel much worse than he does.
You could be thinking I am bias on your partners side- not so. I am merely expressing concern that if you desire a permanent relationship with any person that these issues will come about from time to time and depending on the severity of it should determine the level of response.
I hope you find peace with your partner.
Wow, you must be very overwhelmed and confused about this. I would imagine it would be so hard. Please, my apologies if I'm too direct. Look it might not be a big deal. The worst part of the feeling is; I love my partner, he loves me, I feel like he is trying hard but his comment was inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour to be thinking about being with other woman. Where do these people come from, why are they so insecure, why do we attract people who are not worthy of our love. I left my partner over the weekend because he wants to play games. You need to be strong. if your partner can sit down and communicate (I learnt that this is the upmost important requirement in a relationship. He needs to talk with you about his feelings. The problem is that some people have difficulties communicating with the other and then they become lost in their own thoughts, they feel like they cannot bond or that they need someone less of their own self.
If you really love your partner, try sitting down together, talk as much as possible without any defensiveness (biggest relationship bomber) and come up with actions to help him feel comfortable and express his feelings. This might help. Best of luck and chin up.
If it was me, I would force my partner to explain to me exactly what he was thinking. Then if I felt he was being truthful and honest, however hard it was to hear, this would instill some trust from me. I get what the others are saying, you shouldn’t read a person’s diary as it’s their innermost thoughts and often with no context. If he hadn’t have written it down you’d have been none the wiser. I probably wouldn’t want my partner looking into my mind either, not that I do anything wrong, but just that noone has perfectly pure thoughts all the time. Unfortunately for your partner, he needs to reassure you until you can gain enough trust in him to move forward, but like all breaches of trust that will take time. I think you’ve learnt a valuable lesson, that reading another persons journal will only cause you heartache. Hope you start to feel better soon ❤️
Hello JW, and a warm welcome to the forums.
People tend to look at other people, we can't stop that and probably never want to, and remember everyone has their own thoughts which are never told to their partner/spouse, because if they did then an argument would arise between them.
Once we start to query the thoughts someone is having may be slightly different to what they leave on their journal, as you don't know whether this is part of any correspondence between the two.
Sometimes people communicate with other people outside of the r/ship only to get another perspective and this is what may cause the disagreement.
My concern is whether this has just happened as soon as you started living together.