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My partner spies my every move online and on social media

Community Member

Hi everyone

I am new to this forum and would like to get some advice. Well let's just start by saying a little while ago my partner of 5 years caught me watching porn from my browser's history; I may have an addiction but I don't believe it is a serious cause for concern as it is somewhat common amongst men without generalising. We had a little argument which likely developed into a more civil conversation. I sort of came clean by admitting that I was indeed watching it but this was no indication on the strength of my relationship with her. Ever since this exchange I have noticed that she has been pretty much spying on me. Like checking regularly my browser's history my Facebook account and she's been obsessed about finding out if I have those private webcam account (which I don't and will never have). I don't know if she's checking my phone constantly when I'm in the shower or simply by leaving it unattended but it has become pretty invasive and I don't really know how to deal with it. Now there may be few things that I can be guilty of but nothing to warrant such invasion of privacy. I worry she might become full on paranoid. I don't want this to put a stain on, I believe, our really strong relationship.

There have been discussions about potentially getting married and having kids which I'm really excited about but with the past few months it gives me a sense of uneasiness.

I do try to reduce my erotica consumption which to her credit is not really healthy for my psyche but I don't believe in any shape or form it is a betraying behaviour.

I would love to hear what people have to say about this issue.

11 Replies 11

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni


Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums and thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are going through a difficult time right now.

You seem paranoid that your partner is constantly checking your devices as she caught you watching it. As a girl myself, i don't see watching porn as a major issue. However, if my partner is constantly watching it and does not tend to do other things i would say it is an issue. It really depends on the person. She may see it as something really bad and you don't.

Stay safe and i am always here to chat.

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Geraldo1~

I'd like firstly to welcome you here along with Sophia16 to the Support Forum where I'm sure you will hear difference points of view - which is in fact a pretty wise move.

Now my apologies for being blunt, however I would think you are concentrating on the wrong thing. True you may regard it as an invasion of privacy for you phone etc to be viewed by your partner, however I'd think that was trivial compared to the upset and distress that is driving you partner to do this.

You have mentioned that you might get married and have kids -which is great. It is really a life-time commitment. However all I can do is point ot my own relationship, where there are no secrets or locked phones, we find the looking after the other person and cherishing them is the most important thing, and have trust.

We may not always enjoy each others choice of TV or movies but accept that as being quite natural and not an issue. Importantly there is no distress there at all. If there were and I was causing it I'd watch something else just so my partner was happy..

Many people do regard porn both as a threat and also de-personalizes women in general. This possibly has lead to an anxiety in your partner that really does need to be be calmed.

I'm not here ot place any judgment whatsoever on your viewing habits, or suggest what you to or do not view. I do however think that if they cause distress maybe you need to go further to reach an agreement you are both happy with.

What do you think?


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Gerarldo, I think one problem is that it's done secretly and 'even if it is somewhat common amongst men' will not solve this issue when you're in a relationship and watching it quietly behind their back, because it makes your partner feel as they come second best, that's not your intention but that's how they feel.

If she is checking, then perhaps she's trying to build the trust again and even if you have a strong connection, this could be something she doesn't agree with, especially if you plan on having kids and may be getting married.

You also can't forget that she may be doing something you don't agree with and if so then both these items need to be discussed before a permanent arrangement has been decided on, otherwise they will be a thorn in the side throughout your relationship.


Dear Gerarldo1,

Thank you for finding the courage to post about your frustration with your partner's reaction to your use of porn. As you are already experiencing, we are a very supportive community.

We understand that your partner discovered that you enjoy watching that which she appears to feel somewhat uncomfortable with. so, she is now checking up on you quite often and you are feeling her lack of trust in you. Since you have been considering marriage and children, this turn of events has become concerning for you.

It is our understanding that healthy relationships share strong trust between the partners, and good, open, honest, caring communication seems to be the basis of trust. When people start feeling they cannot trust each other, friction builds, and if not dealt with in a healthy way, the friction can end the relationship.

We would like to suggest you and your partner consider seeing a relationship counsellor to discuss these points of conflict in a safe environment with a specialist who can help both of you to hear each other's concerns so you can work through them and improve your connection.

You might try contacting Relationships Australia at Https://relationships.org.au

Warm regards,

Sophie M.

Community Member
Hey Gerarldo!
Ooh, porn is something most of us enjoy but unfortunately not everyone gets it. When I was younger (25 -ish) it upset me that my partner watched porn. As I got older I chilled out a little and now (I'm 38) it's cool. Everyone is different though. If your partner isn't comfortable with you watching porn I would suggest being extra attentive to her needs, and keeping any private watching very private indeed. You know you're being watched, be the goodest boy possible 😉

Community Member

Hi Geraldo, I am a woman who is speaking on the other perspective. A few months back I also discovered my husband was watching porn a lot. It came after he created an Instagram account where he was following half-naked, red-headed women. After I saw the Instagram account I started getting suspicious. Bear in mind that I was 23 weeks pregnant at the time.

My husband initially told me he doesn’t watch porn and then I find out that’s actually 95% of what he does online. I can’t speak for your partner, however for me personally I don’t mind if he watches porn once in a while because it is common for men to do, even married men but what hurts me is the lying.

I would say that your partner is probably more upset about the dishonesty than anything else. She probably doesn’t intend to be like a police wife and neither do I, but if I’m not being told the truth what choice do I have? I also think my husband has a slight porn addiction. He doesn’t think so, but from the outside looking in that’s what it seems like.

It was hard for us in my late stages of my pregnancy and shortly after my son was born, so I think that might have had something to do with his porn consumption. I’m not sure if he’s cut down or not. My guess is not. He’s just gotten better at hiding it from me now.

We had a discussion about OnlyFans the other day. He doesn’t seem to think it’s cheating if he subscribes to women there because it’s not a physical interaction and she can’t see him. He can only see her and she’s talking to thousands of other guys at the same time. I said to him it is cheating. It doesn’t matter if she can’t see you. You’re still interacting with her in a sexual way in a live setting with someone who’s not your spouse, and how would he feel if I was to do the same? I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t like it regardless of if the guy could see me or not. He said he doesn’t subscribe to OnlyFans and I’m hoping he’s being honest. The fact that he doesn’t see it as cheating though is concerning and he seems to know how it works a little to well. I can’t accuse him of anything though without any hard evidence.

Your partner probably feels like she’s competing with porn now and that she’s not enough for you. That’s how I feel with my husband sometimes. Sometimes I think if he wants to go and find a woman that looks more like those models that he loves so much he can go. I shouldn’t have to compete with a fantasy, nor do I want to.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi gerarldo1


Sorry to hear you're experiencing such a difficult period with your partner. Feeling worried about our privacy and unsure how to navigate sexual expression would be really stressful. As well as feeling there is something between you and your partner.


I tend to agree with a previous commenter, that if your relationship is strong and you're looking to make bigger life decisions together like having a family - it wouldn't hurt to try a session with a relationship counsellor to try and clear the air in a supportive and neutral space.


Is this something you and her might be open to?

Community Member

I personally became addicted to porn each time I’ve been pregnant, I couldn’t help it, but acknowledge that porn is really harmful and by nature is addictive—-, I generally try to avoid it otherwise I wanted all the time.


on a separate note, having a partner who doesn’t trust you and spies on you and checks up on you is a horrible thing and also a pretty big red flag, I would be suspending a relationship


personally I would not tolerate this at all for one moment. No trust no relationship.

That Other Guy
Community Member

Your partner obviously takes your use of porn seriously and is threatened by it.  Perhaps you need to do marriage counselling?


My marriage has been very rocky and sex free for years at a time.  I've come to look at porn at times, although I hated it.  While our marriage is a mess, our sex life is really good now. Perhaps telling her that she is the woman you find most attractive and suggesting you could generate some content to meet that need might help her find peace as well as create a path for you?