My partner speaking to women makes me jealous and insecure

[HRW1998]

I don’t really understand why I’m struggling with this so much but I really struggle with my partner having female friends. It’s not that he flirts with them or anything but I can’t seem to find security or comfortability with it, no matter who it is. 

Before my current partner, I was in a 5 year relationship that had a lot of emotional abuse and I wasn’t allowed to have any male friends. I’m not sure if this is contributing to the way I feel because it was 2 years ago that I left him because of the emotional and financial abuse. 
My current partner is amazing, he is so helpful and constantly reassures me how much he loves me and he can’t wait to marry me. He struggles with making friends and recently went online and some girls added him on Snapchat and he said they were just talking and he’s trying to make friends because it’s making him really depressed not having any friends. I told him I didn’t mind but just wanted him to tell me because it felt shady him not telling me and he understood. 
Last night his phone lit up and it was a Snapchat notification from a girl he works with. He hasn’t told me that they are speaking outside of work and for some reason it’s making me uncomfortable and I feel like it shouldn’t. The thought of him around other women makes me so anxious and uncomfortable.
He has never given me any reason to think he’s cheating and he’s very loving, but I am just really struggling with accepting him having female friends. I just want to be okay with it because I do trust him. 
I don’t know how to bring it up without making him feel bad for trying to make friends.

Is there someway I can move past this and just learn to accept him having female friends? 

[Sophie_M]

Hi HRW1998, 
 
We can hear it was really difficult to come here and post, and we're really grateful you did so as it can be a really powerful step towards feeling better. We can hear it's been really hard for you to tell your story, but please know that you're in a really safe space for doing so here, with a lovely community of kind and understanding people.  It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 online, here. If using the phone would be difficult for you, you can reach them via webchat or email:   We’re sure we’ll hear from our lovely, supportive community soon. In the meantime, here’s a few things you might like to look at: 

• Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse 

• 1800 RESPECT’s advice on healthy relationships 
• Relationships Australia’s advice on communication in relationships  

We are here to support you and you are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing here. Please feel free to share a bit more and let us know what is going on for you, and what might help, if you feel comfortable.   Kind regards,   Sophie M 

[Anzacspirit]

Hi HRW1988,

As soon as you mentioned chatting to girls on Snapchat I felt I needed to respond. I was in your parents position, feeling depressed, no friends and used snapchat to find friends, big mistake. I ended up cheating on my partner of 20 years because I was an absolute idiot. Snapchat isn’t a place to meet people, it’s a place to hide what you’re doing. It may be completely innocent what your partner is doing but why is he chatting up just women? How have they connected with him as you have to hand your details out. There are many red flags I’m seeing based on the stupid things I did. If he want’s friends then you and him should be going out and joining sporting groups or volunteer somewhere but do it together. I think you need to tread carefully here, I got addicted to the attention I was receiving and was blinded by it. Best thing I did was to remove that app. 

[Juliet_84]

Hi HRW1998,

I must admit that situation would make me uncomfortable too (it’s not a red flag yet but a bit concerning). I think the part that I struggle with is that these aren’t female friends that he’s had for years, these are new female friends that he doesn’t even really know yet which seems a bit unusual to me. It may be just that he prefers the company of women, but rather than texting and snapchatting, it would be better/more respectful if they’d come over and were introduced to you first before doing some normal friend activity. I think you need to establish some boundaries of what you do and don’t feel comfortable with 

[Alice_md13]

Dear HRW1998, I tend to agree with members above. My ex husband also all of a sudden became depressed and advised me he needed new friends. In order to fill in the gap he went online and met a few, who to my added horror were also under aged. Let me tell you, that was the end of my marriage. Despite him telling me all the chats were innocent I decided this was the time to run as far as I could. He's been addicted to online world since day with activities causing me constant distress but this occurrence took the cake. This matter definitely needs to be discussed and you are within your rights to voice your concerns. I can assure you the doubts will still linger in your brain even if he stops his search for friends but you just need to be extra vigilant about his behavior and look at both positive outcomes of your discussion, like trying to expand the circle of friends together via joint activities, and negative, if you walk into the room and he turns off his computer monitor or hangs up the phone all of a sudden. If it's the latter, I'm afraid it's time to pack your belongings and run for your life so you don't end up in the same situation as I had. Good luck and look after number one, yourself!!!