My partner is a recovering addict

[NKB]

Just to be clear straight up I do not have an addiction but I’m here for support as my partners addictions have really effected our relationship and my trust towards him since everything’s come to light.

My partner and I have been together for just over 3 and a half years and we have have a 18month old child and I’m currently pregnant with our 2nd.

However the last year has been nothing but a roller coaster. My partner had somewhere along the way become addicted to meth and gambling... it has been an extremely hard road just getting him to somewhat admit he has a problem but unfortunately for me I have felt so alone, I feel angry, sad and then sometimes I honestly don’t even know how to feel.

I knew my partner had been lying to me but I had no proof and then the times I caught him out or was able to prove he’d been lying were the only times I could somewhat get the truth.

The hardest thing I’m struggling with now is the trust because it’s totally gone from my end....

My partner has started to see a doctor which whilst I acknowledge this is a step in the right direction I’m still finding a lot of things so hard.... a perfect example of this is like the other day I asked him when he’d be interested in the both of us going to go and speak to someone professionally and he turned around and said I thought I was doing ok... this upset me because yeah the last three weeks he’s been clean and stopped but that hasn’t solved all of our now problems.

I feel quite lost atm and I know at times I am probably taking my emotions out on him but I really don’t know how to be and everything he said he would never be he became and worse and I will admit I’m struggling to let some stuff go.

if anyone has any advice please help.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear NKB,

Welcome to Beyond Blue, and well done for reaching out. It takes courage to tell someone what's really going on sometimes, especially when it comes to something like an aiddiction, because there are so many people out there in society who jsut don't get it.

I'd like to make 2 suggestions:

One is for you to get some help and support for yourself, from those who may perhaps understand better than most, and that is from a peer support organization called Nar-anon. Nar-anon is for friends and families of those who use drugs compulsively, and whose lives have been affected by the using (of drugs) by another. The website link is here - http://www.naranon.com.au/ - and the number to call is [02] 8004 1214.

Also, if your partner is at least thinking about recovery, but struggling to get any, or to maitain it on his own, he can contact NA (Narcotics Anonymous) on 1300 652 830 or the website is here - https://www.na.org.au/multi/

As you can probably see by my name, I am a sober person (who also took drugs), so I have been to many meetings and can hopefully answer at least some of the questions you may have about these fellowships.

I hope that helps at least a little. Please feel free to keep posting here in the meantime. I will keep an eye out for your reply, if you want to reply, that is.

Take care. xo

[geoff]

Hello NKB, and thanks for writing a well explained thread under the circumstances and I'm also happy that Soberlicious has responded back to you.

Just to get your partner to admit that he has a problem is a large step forward because it's those people who refuse to confess that there is anything wrong, that's a huge stumbling block to overcome.

Going to a professional is an excellent idea, however, the fact that he says 'he is doing ok' is probably a typical answer but not something you wanted to hear, because by him telling you is different than him actually believing it himself.

It doesn't assure you that he won't want to have these feelings of euphoria, which is a false sense and increased feelings of well-being that can last for hours once a problem has to be overcome or whether he is doing it behind your back.

Another concern is when an addict speaks to a doctor or another professional is that the quantity they say they are drinking or using is drastically reduced trying to make out that there isn't a problem.

Nar-anon, as Soberlicious has suggested, is a great start and if you are happy to tell us of some of the other problems that would be helpful and can I say that once an addict says they have stopped it has to be proved both in the good and certainly the bad times.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[NKB]

Thanks for writing to me.

I will definitely look into contacting Nar-anon, thanks.

My partners doctor has been great and his advice for him to take one step at a time has been working however I believe my partner in still somewhat in denial about his addictions.

For months and months everytime I tried to talk to him about it he would say I’m not addicted I could stop at any time... I always used to respond by saying well then why don’t you? He then became super sneaky and a compulsive lier. His lies were covering up other lies and the only time I could say something was when the cold hearted truth was in my hands cause without it I had no leg to stand on, he would get defensive and then turn it all around onto me saying I had the problems etc,

The fights we were having we’re getting worse and worse and the things that he would say started to become more horrible. This is all the stuff I suppose I’m really struggling with atm and especially the trust. I’m hopeful in time hopefully we’ll get it back but I struggle atm to believe anything he says because of his actions over the last 12months mainly. I don’t think he has any idea or understanding of just how much this has all effected me and I don’t know how to convey this to him without it ending up in an argument.

I keep a lot to my self about our issues until recently as I have now gone to his parents and told them everything cause I know I can’t do this alone and being pregnant I wasn’t sure whether to keep the second baby or not given the circumstances but I also don’t know if I’d be able to live with myself after if an abortion and I also didn’t want to blame him for the rest of my life but I had considered both options.

Hopefully im explaining myself in enough detail, it’s hard to explain everything when trying to put it into words.

[NKB]

Hi,

thanks also for your reply.

Its not something I wanted to hear because I’m not doing ok and it just shows me he is completely unaware of how his addictions have effected me and the ones close to him. I know he’s been to hell and back but I feel as if I have too and it makes me so upset that he can’t see what it has done to me.

The name calling and his defensiveness also used to utterly break me, if I was upset he’d call me a sook, if I wasn’t even in a mood he used to ask what my problem was because of his own guilt and constant lying has really torn me up inside and I just so upset atm. He has called me names in anger. I’ve never been someone to really argue but things just got so bad before they got slightly better but i am having a hard time letting go of the stuff that has really hurt me deep down. I’ve had him yell at me in my face and all sorts and whilst I knew it was partly guilt and the drugs talking it still kills me inside to think that someone who claims to love could speak down to me like that and I guess it has made me question at times if love is enough to make it work or get through.

[Soberlicious96]

Hi NKB,

I've always been told, and firmly believe, that a problem shared is a problem halved. Hopefully his parents will also be able to step in to help.

Keeping in mind though that tough love is just that; it's tough. Sometimes you gotta be brutally honest, especially so with a practicing addict. And hopefully the more you tell him your truth, and bring to his attention the lies that you know about, the more likely he may want recovery. The important thing is not enable his behavior in any way, shape or form. Don't try to cover up his lies or make excuses for his abuse.

The MOST important thing is to keep yourself and your children safe. If need be, keep a spare set of keys somewhere, and some spare cash, just in case you need to stay somewhere else for a night or two. It might also help to let a friend or two in on what is happening in the home so that they too can help to keep you safe in times when he is acting up.

And of course, you're welcome here anytime. Change is hard, even harder when only one person in the relationship wants it. But it is certainly possible.

Anyway, take care, and remember, you're not alone. xo