My partner has gone to prison

[LUCIDFOX_X]

My partner was arrested on the 9th of November 2017. I got a call at work and had to leave as they had broken our front door and I had the keys. I have spoken to him twice and he has said "I'm sorry" and "I love you" only. I saw him in the court room on the 10th and he was just staring at me the entire time. I am so lonely and depressed. I have barely eaten, barely slept, haven't showered, been drinking. I don't know what to do and I am at work now and will need to leave.

[james1]

Hello again,

That's really not good 😞 Among all the other things that have been happening with him and your family and friends, it sounds very lonely.

Would you like to see him more or is it better if you try to reconnect with your family and old friends again?

James

[geoff]

hello LUCIDFOX, I remember your other post where you were worried that this was going to happen, but I agree with James is it best for you to reconnect with your family/friends, or because of what's happened are they keeping their distance, I hope not.
Drinking is only putting a bandaid over your situation, and I say this in hindsight because that's what I did for many years when I was in depression, I always thought it was helping me but no it wasn't, it was only prolonging my own demise.
Whatever the reason isn't what we need to know, the fact is that you need to look after yourself now and get the help that is available, but at the moment try and get some time off work, because you're not well, and surely could perform much at work, so try and do this, I don't you to be terminated, this will only increase your trauma.
Really hope you can get back to us. Geoff.

[LUCIDFOX_X]

Hello Geoff & James. Thank you for your responses.

I had taken 2 weeks off work. I had my first day back as of yesterday (The 27th).
My partner is out now on bail. Everything is still very messed up. I am living back at home with my parents and we moved last week into a 2 bedroom apartment (My parents don't sleep in the same room). Originally the plan was that I was moving in with my partner, therefor my parents wouldn't need a third bedroom. And now everything is obviously sideways. This has definitely put a very heavy strain on our relationship as we aren't sure at this point what to expect and the trial isn't for another 9-12 months. We have had 2 big fights last week, one were he almost broke it off with me (He is absolutely traumatized and has started seeing a psychologist which I think will help him a lot. Both fights he has started from being unstable. He has told me that he doesn't even know who he is anymore & is doing things he doesn't understand). I am slowly getting back on track but everything is still incredibly messed up and it is a struggle. Just don't really know what to do still, feel like I'm in limbo... We have no way of travelling anywhere at the moment as he needs to check in every day (Apart of Bail conditions) & it's hard... I do really love him but I just don't know what to expect at this point.

[geoff]

hello LUCIDFOX, I'm not sure whether I'm pleased for you but anyway it's still a great concern because I worry about you so much.
He is unstable at the moment, and already you've had 2 big fights and I'm sorry but you can't predict his movements or his mood, and there could be a chance that he may go back into prison for breaking parole, so please don't under any circumstance help him in any way.
I'm not saying that it may happen, and I know that you love him, so this complicates the issue.
I have to go but want you to reply back to us if possible, we want to help you. Geoff.

[james1]

Hello Lucidfox,

I am glad to hear that your parents have helped you out by letting you stay there. I am sure it is tough being back at home, but it sounds like things are very rocky with your partner at the moment.

I think it's important to remember that you can't help him any more than you have. He needs to see his psychologist and work things out with them.

As for what you should do - it is hard to say because, as geoff said, when we love someone we can't just walk away. It'll take a little bit of time to come to a decision, but in the meantime, it is important to keep focussing on yourself and making sure you set your boundaries with him. Any healthy relationship relies on its boundaries to make sure the two people are still happy with themselves, and while he's in this state, it's more important than ever to have those boundaries set firmly.

Have you had the time and space to try and reconnect with any friends?

James