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My partner has depression and ended our realationship

Community Member

Long story ahead I hope you stay with me:

My partner and I have been together for 12 years. Our realationship has been 100% honestly, trust, friendship and love. I noticed my partner was dufferent when he hit 30. He was feeling old and was questioning his life choices. A few weeks after he hit 30 our baby boy and 1st child arrived in this world and my partner was so in love. He was happy again he told me our lifes are complete ect. Fast forward to our son almost turning 1 my partner started sinking again and admitted he didnt feel satisfied. At this point I was a stay at home mum (his choice) and he was working night shift. I assumed he was stressed about money and he was struggling to sleep during the day so I got a job and encouraged him to change shifts. He refused and said he couldnt lose out on the pay. A few months later he starts adding people on FB that he use to know from school but mainly people he had falling outs with like his ex GF and his old bestfriend. I mentioned that he may be depressed and suggested he go see someone as at this point he was starting to go out alot and was rarely home. He was also not sleeping well and his moods towards my son and I were getting bad. On mothers day I got home from work and he completely broke down on me and told me that he doesnt want to be with me anymore. He admitted he had depression and he "didnt want to drag me down". As I tried to not show him he had broken my heart I talked it through with him and after a few hours of tears he agreed to get some help. Since then he has been to 1 counsiling session and hasnt been to one since. He has decided to continue going out and I think he is smoking weed to help him relax (ive smelt it on him). He still loves our son and says he loves me annd doesnt want things to change but doesnt want to be with me at the same time (so confusing) im trying to support him and encourage him to seek help but he gets angry at me and says im always questioning him and attacking him. He says he doesnt want to take any medication and he will sort through this stuff himself. I dont know what to do to help him and most days he acts like we are together (tries to hug and kiss me) but im stopping him cause I dont want to be caught in limbo. Also ill add he started to hang out with his ex and this has totally crushed me. I feel like leaving and never coming back. Should I stick around and help him or should I give up? I feel like im only going to hurt myself if i stay

7 Replies 7

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Heartbrkn,

Only you can decide if it is time to leave or not or if you want him to leave. Not knowing your housing situation, guess it depends where you live regarding that matter.

It does sound like your partner needs help to understand what he is going through. The saying about "leading a horse to water" is like trying to get some people with depression to understand they need help and to accept it.

I can understand your hurt and confusion with all that is happening. I wouldn't be too happy if my partner was reconnecting with his ex either.

Is it possible for you to move out? It may be the best thing, even if it is temporary so your partner has time to think about what he will be missing if you do leave, of course it has to be your decision.

In all of this, make sure you look after yourself and your baby. Connect more with family and friends so you have the help and support you need right now.

Depression is an awful ailment, it can make those of us affected by it do very irrational things at time.

If you want to help your partner, there is information on this site regarding depression and how it affects people.

You can also use the phone help line on 1300 22 4636 to talk things through.

I hope some of this helps. Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

Thanks for your reply. Yesterday I got a message from his ex who found out how upset I was that they were friends. She told me he messaged her seeking help as he felt he had no one to talk to. She told me thatnothing is going in between them and she didnt want to get involved but she realised how bad he was so she decided to just be an ear to him. She also mentioned that he has been feeling like this for years and he hasnt been feeling love for me for a long time. I felt so betrayed by this and I confronted him and he confirmed its true. Im so upset at him as in the years he hasnt felt much love for me he has never shown this and he begged me to give him a child and he has also been trying to marry me for years which I dont care for weddings so we never did. How can someone who is questioning his love for someone want to marry that person and also bring a child into this world? He told a friend that he didnt want to buy a house with mr brcause it would be hardrr to leave. Yet he had a baby with me and wanted to marry me? Anyways Im pushing my pride aside at the moment and focusing on him getting help. I spent the day with him and our son and just tried to have fun with him. Besides encouraging him to get help im not sure what else to do.

hello Heartbrkn, I can feel the pain you are going through, because you're stuck in a position where you have to choose between wanting him to stay and get help, or whether you walk away.
When someone is in denial they refuse to get any help, and by going to one session isn't getting the help he needs, and certainly staying out late is not proving anything except for him to smoke weed, whether alcohol is also involved, you can let us know if you want to.
What his ex has said to you is only hearsay, whether you want to believe her is up to you, but because he's gone back to her, so certainly this must count for something, but I wouldn't treat her as a friend but more so an adversity.
One thing that we suggest to people is that if they keep asking a depressed person question after question then this will make them close up, and perhaps want to leave, but a depressed person doesn't see it that way at all, I know you are doing this with intentions only to help him, but if he's in denial it will be annoying.
As Mrs. Dools has said a separation maybe the best solution, this will then confirm whether or not he wants to get back to his ex, or get the help he needs and then rejoin you, because at the moment it's you and your baby boy who need to look after yourselves.
Can you also try and have some counselling with a psychologist and to do this you will need to see your doctor first and ask them about the 'mental health plan' which entitles you to 10 free sessions. Geoff.

Hi Heartbrkn,

No doubt you are even more confused after the phone call from the ex girlfriend. Trying to work out what is going on is a bit difficult. It does seem a bit strange that a man who says he desires to marry you and has a child with you then decides he wants to leave and never intended having a house together.

Depression can be an illness that causes a person to withdraw as Geoff has mentioned. I know there are many irrational decisions I have made in life due to my depression.

It is good to know the three of you were able to have a nice day together. Maybe he is confused and just doesn't know what he wants. That doesn't help you at all.

Maybe a bit of time where you concentrate on yourself and your son will be beneficial. If this guy wants to play part time Dad, I guess that is better than not wanting to be there at all.

You can try to get help for him, present him with some information on depression, make a joint Drs.appointment, or phone Relationships Australia to see if there is a counselor near you.

My husband decided years ago that we are a couple of friends living in the same house. We have separate bedrooms. It breaks my heart, that this is how it has turned out. I don't leave as I have no job, feel like I have no where to go and feel like if I did leave the last 30 years mean nothing.

It is a bit of a dilemma. I hope you find the answers you need to decide what to do.

Cheers to you from Mrs. D.

Thanks Geoff and Mrs D for your replies.

Mrs D - we are now a couple living together but in diffrrent rooms. I have a weekend job that will not be able to support my son and I and have been looking for work a month before this even happened. Im a pretty independant woman but since being a stay at home mum I had relaxed a little and let my partner provide for me for once in my life. Which seems to have backfired for me cause I quit my job of 8 years to be a stay at home mum. So being an independant person its so frustrating to have someone support me. The weekend job gave me a bit more control. Now that we have seperated its killing me that I cant find a job. I feel like I cant move forward until I can get one.

Community Member

Thanks for your reply.

He never had a friendship with this ex and she was a highschool girlfriend who broke up with him and told lies to a guy friend who beat him up pretty badly because of her. The whole time we have been together he has never said a nice thing about her and he spent years being reminded of that fight when we would bump into old school friends. So him reaching out to her is completely weird and confusing and she admitted she was confused aswell. She questioned him on why he contacted her and he said he wanted real friends. Again thats confusing as they never had a friendship. Might I add during the time he reconnected with her he also started to hang out with his ex best friends who we used to hang out with every weekend for 5 years before we had a falling out. So yeah he is reconnecting with these people who put him through hell because he wants "real friends". Is this what depression does? I just dont understand out of all the people in the world he wanted to reconnect to it was the ones that have hurt him the most. Im trying to understand what he is thinking but I am so lost.

He isnt drinking that im aware of and I think he chose to smoke weed as he used to back in the day before we got together to forget things.

Seems like he wants to live in the past and be a teenager again.

HI Heartbrkn,

It does sound like your partner is regressing, he may be trying to recall the life he wished he had back then, or his mind may be twisting up the memories so he thinks they are better than they were. Who knows! Our brains can cause quite a lot of confusion and tell us all kinds of stories.

Maybe if he hangs around this group long enough he will be able to see if he really "belongs" there, if they are his friends or just people from the past.

Living with a person whom you loved and cared for in the same house but separately, can be strange. You are sort of together and yet part of you feels very disconnected.

I had to give up work due to my health issues. Being home with your child must be a blessing and a bit of a bother at the same time as you had to give up your job. Hopefully you will find employment that is suitable for you again soon.

I really do hope you will find the answers you need, you will know which direction to go and you can focus on moving forward one way or another.

Cheers to you from Mrs. D.