My partner has deoression, wont get help and its effecting me and my 1 yr old daughter

[Mumofone]

I have been with my partner over 10 years and through the duration he has struggled with a gambling addiction and mental health problems. He will not seek professional help or talk to someone as he thinks its hopeless and a waste of time. Im at a loss on what to do.. it has taken its toll on me and now i am feeling sad and lost myself. He has a short temper and is often withdrawn, ignores me and my daughter and snaps. He is negative about everything and angry and it is bringing me down. My daughter is usually such a happy little soul but lately i have noticed she too is beong effected and often sad/lashes out. Im at a loss on what to do... she absolutely adores him and vice versa and the thought of taking her away from him is devastating but i cant go on like this much longer.. i need to be strong for my girl but im finding it very hard as he wont get help. Doesnt want to talk about it and expects me just to sit there and watch it all unfold without showing my own emotions but im at breaking point and its effecting me and my ability to function and parent.

[Just Sara]

Hi Mum'o;

Only a short post as I'm off to bed. Just wanted to let you know someone's listening ok.

Gambling can turn the best of souls into Mr/Ms Hyde in seconds. The guilt and shame they carry as well as the obvious financial pressures, play a huge part in their anxiety/depression and especially mood disturbances.

Knowing what I do about gamblers, it's a damn tough gig. I really feel for you and your little one. Looking after yourself to be the best you can be is an obvious first step. He's an adult suffering with an illness you CAN'T fix. He loves you and his daughter, no doubt. But the pull of his addiction will override just about anything.

The ball's left in your court unfortunately. If he refuses to get support, he's his worst enemy and it won't go away. No matter how many sorry's or flowers, no matter how he begs; you'll always be number 2!

Please consider talking with your GP. They can refer you to someone who'll help you sort thru your own feelings and create a response plan for those bad moments. If you decide to leave, (which I'm sure is harrowing to think about) they can help there too.

I hope you have supportive family. Please try to have a good day today for Easter ok. You can write here anytime you like. We're here to listen...

In the meantime, please call Lifeline on 131411..

Kind thoughts;

Sez

PS.. I hope I didn't come across too harsh hun. Please let me know if I did ok.. S

[geoff]

Hello Mumofone, can I welcome you to the site and I'm sorry your husband won't get any help, so basically his situation is only going around in circles.

Not only will mental illness make your husband a different person but his gambling addiction will also take over his life and he may not be aware that it's causing problems for his family or for themselves.

Over time any pleasurable effects may dominate his gambling, which could increase his activity as a way to help him with his depression, similar as using alcohol, the trouble is if he wins, this will increase his sense of being in control.

When he loses, this will make him negative and angry, trying to find that extra dollar to put that other bet on, because his addiction comes first.

You love him, just as your daughter does, but he needs help and if you want to you can try to keep encouraging him, but you need to look after your daughter as well as yourself and if this requires a separation period, this may make him decide to see his GP.

I also suggest that you book an appointment with your GP because you will need support.
I'm sorry.

My Best Wishes.

Geoff.

[Mumofone]

Everything you have said is true. I definitely feel like we are the last priority at the moment. He is in such a deep hole he thinks its hopeless getting help and would rather lose everything than try. Im at a loss what to do. We live interstate from all family and i dont have many close friends where we are so ive been dealing with it on my own. Ive thought about telling one of his close friends from back home but if he found out he would flip out. Havnt even told my Mum for the same reason.. im scared of the backlash. Just really at a loss.. im trying to be strong for my little girl but its so very hard

[White_Rose]

Dear Mumofone

Hello and welcome. I'm pleased you have come to let us support you. Gambling, like any addiction, can ruin lives and leave heartbreak for everyone. You have struggled for so long and it has not changed your partner. I think you are wise to consider if anything will change by staying with him. Here is a Victorian web page for gamblers and their families. https://www.responsiblegambling.vic.gov.au/getting-help/family-and-friends I am sure there are similar resources in other states.

I can the dreadful dilemma you have in deciding whether or not to leave. Sez idea of talking to your GP is good. She/he can point you to some help for you and for your partner. There are supports around and if you attend a meeting for families it may help you understand what gambling. Listening to the stories of others can help you make your own decisions.

If you are afraid of him think seriously about leaving. Can you go to your mom's home? You will be safe and can then tell her what is happening. Leaving will be hard and heart breaking for you and your daughter. Staying will be even more heart breaking, especially for your daughter as she grows up in a gambling household and probably future violence.

Your partner can recover from depression if he puts in the work. Recovery from a gambling addiction is far harder but I understand it is definitely possible. The first step for illnesses is to admit he has a problem and secondly he must want to get well. He will never get well without acknowledging what is wrong and seriously working to get well.

I'm sure you do not want to hear my words or Sez and I am sorry if they hurt. You have said, He is in such a deep hole he thinks its hopeless getting help and would rather lose everything than try. Sadly this will be the outcome if he continues. There is only so much you can do and after that you can stay and watch but much better to leave. You never know, it may the bump he needs to turn his life around.

I suggest that before you return he must have a significant time of no gambling. No good making token gestures and expecting you will have him back.

We are here to comfort and support you. There will always be someone who will answer but it may not be immediately. This is not an emergency line. If you are in trouble please phone 000 immediately. Talk to us as much as you need.

Mary

[geoff]

Hello Mumofone, I had replied much earlier but it hasn't appeared as yet, so I'll wait, but I do hope it is accepted.

Best Wishes.

Geoff.

[Steffi_Rabbit]

Hi Mumofone,

I was about to post asking for advice as I am in a similar situation... I’m a mum of a one year old too!

We’re a little different in that my husband doesn’t gamble (that I know of) but he is depressed and won’t get any help. I have asked him on 4 seperate occasions to go to the GP to ask for medication or come to my post natal psychology appointments. Each time he dismisses what I say, says that it’s because of me that he’s depressed and if I just let him lay on the couch when he gets home from work in peace then he wouldn’t feel so angry.

What you say about him just expecting you to sit there and allow it to happen, I feel like that too. I have never been as happy in myself as I am now, and somehow I feel like he may be jealous that I’m in a good place mentally as I’ve sought help and tried to become less insecure since having our little girl.

If I can give you any advice from my end, it would definitely be to make sure you’re in as strong a mental space as you can. I live in Australia and all my family are in the UK. It’s so tough. I’ve found it so helpful to ha e made a few friends with babies of a similar age and make sure I go out of the house every day, even for a short walk or into the supermarket trying to get the baby to say hello to the people at the till.

Theres so much more I could say but I don’t want to write an essay.

what I’m getting from other replies is that if we can be strong for ourselves and be a gentle guide to help them help themselves... then maybe we can get somewhere. I think I may have a trip for a couple of days soon to visit a friend interstate and give him a chance to have a break and miss us.

Do you manage to do that with your family?

all the best xxx