- Beyond Blue Forums
- Caring for myself and others
- Relationship and family issues
- My parents make me feel like they can’t wait for m...
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Printer Friendly Page
My parents make me feel like they can’t wait for me to move out
My mum is a stay at home Mum (has been since my 20 years old brother was born) and my dad works as a tow truck driver so he is home a lot.
I’m not trying to be unfemenist but she is a stay at home Mum. She doesn’t cook anything (unless it what my dad wants even though she knows no one likes it or will eat it). I go without dinner atleast 4 times a week (usually I will heat up something in the microwave). I just want a dinner with my family but it’s so rare, she never cooks. Why can’t she cook she’s a stay at home Mum. We all go out to work and school and she’s at home why can’t she just cook. And when she does my dad has the tv on so know one can talk at dinner. Me and my sister cook dinner atleas once a week, my dad is never expected to cook and my brother never did either when he lived with us. My mum never cooks, she is too lazy every night.
My mum never talks to me and I often tell her this but she doesn’t care or blames me. I tell her “why won’t you talk to me?”. And she says I’m carrying on. When I try to talk to her she is on Facebook and not paying attention or watching tv. In the car she never talks to me. The only times she talks is when she is bitching about her mother in law. (That’s literally the only thing she talks to me about)
Here’s some example of why I think my parents can’t wait for me to move out (I’m currently 17). My mum hasn’t read my school report from two terms ago (I’m in year 12). I asked my Mum and dad if they would go out for dinner with me and my sister. They said no so we went out just us two. As soon as we left my Mum and dad went out together somewhere else. It really upset me more than they think. They know I have anxiety but my dad constantly teases me about it and my mum says things like “when can you stop seeing your psychologist” and “I wish you would just learn to stop being anxious so you didn’t have to go anymore”
I am am just very frustrated and feel like I have depression because of my family. They never want anything to do with me and we constantly go without dinner. I’m sick of this I constantly feel self conscious like my mum just wants to live with my dad and wants me to move away.
Hello Fears4Tears and welcome back.
I feel for you Fears4Tears. When your mum can't communicate with you it makes you feel like your not worthy. I know that feeling very very well. Now that I am much older and have managed to look at how I felt as a child, I can see that my mum's non communication with me had nothing to do with me. It was all about her, her mental health which was not good.
Like you though I took on all her insecurities, anxieties, depression and made it my own. I felt responsible for how she felt. How she felt about me. It was all my fault. Well fears4tears - this is not right. You are a good warm person who is going through a very important part of your life - year 12. Going to a psychologist to help you get there is awesome!! Very proud of you.
From what you've said about your mum - not cooking, being lazy, sounds very much like she isn't functioning very well and it's not your fault. Getting her to cook is going to be difficult. It is very important though you get really good nourishing food to help you get through year 12. I know it's not your responsibility, but have you and your sister thought about a weekly food menu? Maybe cook stuff in advance like on weekend, e.g. Soups, stews and stuff to freeze.
Any possibility of engaging with your mum in that process? Tell her what you're doing and why? Because you need good food. I don't know how feasible any of this is for you though.
If you need a hand with some good healthy food recipes, there are many on the web. I always start thinking about a main ingredient, e.g. chicken, bacon bones and do a search for this. Then I always add all the good wholesome veggies that I like, even though they're not included in the recipe.
Have you had any contact with Headspace? They're a support service for kids 1800 650 890. It's always good to have someone to talk to.
Keep reaching out when and if you want to fears4tears. You're not alone.
I wanted to reply because I had a strange response to your post. I don't know if my pov will help but it's worth a try.
Part of me relates to your post and the other (as a mother now myself) relates to your Mum. Even as a child we looked after ourselves. I felt like I was the carer sometimes.
And yet now as a mum responsible for two little ones I can understand some of the actions and behaviours.
I can finally see one very important thing I missed as a young adult...
My parents are people too. With wants and needs, limitations and faults and feelings. They're not perfect. And for the most part they do the best they know how.
Has it helped to realise this? Not really. It has allowed me to stop and try think from their point of view though. It has also allowed me to see myself as an individual independent of my family's wants and needs.
My family like yours don't understand mental illness. They've never lived it. Unless I am a loud mess they think all is better and I'm back to 'normal' for good. It is endlessly frustrating.
I'm trying to learn to accept they cannot give the support and understanding I need. I have to find it elsewhere.
My own failures as a mum has helped me see my parents are not what I expected them to be as a child. We do what we can. Pamela has a point... Maybe your Mum is dealing with her own issues?
Do you feel able to try put yourself in your mum's shoes. Being a stay at home mum sucks big time. Before kids what did your mum do and enjoy? You can lose your sense of self entirely. Do you think it is entirely fair to call your Mum lazy?
She doesn't cook. That doesn't mean she doesn't work. Maybe you could try look at what she DOES do for you all. Could you make a chores roster so dinner is made and everyone contributes?
You mentioned Mum and Dad going out alone. It is normal to long to do things for yourself or as a couple. When a child arrives it is such a change! I didn't expect to lose my sense of self. Our babies came first. Then hubby who earnes the income to keep us fed and housed. My needs often are last. We give this willingly but it is hard.
You and your siblings are becoming independent now. For parents this IS exciting.
However... This is key. They still love you. It means you are becoming an adult. Your relationship with your parents will change and that is scary but also very exciting.
Finally, I do hear you. What you feel is valid. Sometimes knowing why can help ease your hurt a little.