My parents fight. Nothing special about that. Nothing new. It's like an everyday thing, has been for my whole life. All I remember is them fighting. Its one of my most constant memories. I can't seem to forget when there's a continuous reminder every day. At the end of the day, I want to let it out and tell them to divorce...but then I see those rare moments where they're not screaming and just holding each other or joking around as if they've fallen in love all over again and my mind gets into this sick twisted thought that maybe they'll finally be alright. Of course, I'm not right but I still dream for that day to come true. However, it won't. It never will and it's my greatest fear.
I lay in bed at night with this sick feeling. A feeling that no one will ever fall in love with me. That the person I end up with (if I end up with anyone at all) will just make me spiral into depression like my parents. I'm scared. I can't look at my parents and say this is what I want when I grow up. It's exactly the opposite. I've heard my dad's love affairs at night when I'm 'asleep' and mum's crying on the phone. I've heard the defeated voice of my dad who would just look broken. My alarm clock is their screaming matches early in the morning before they leave for work. I don't know what to do. I can't deal with it. It's gotten to the point where I look at any relationship and think 'that will never last, something will go wrong. It also does'. I hate it.
I hate this feeling of not being loveable. I can't stand it. But I can't deny the thought that no matter what he does, I will never be able to take him seriously. What's the point when he'll get bored? I have the fear of being cheated on because of my father. Who wants a girl with trust issues?! My generation has shamed relationships and now I'm faced to deal with it. This overwhelming fear in my head is something that will stop me from relationships. It has made me stop loving anyone as what's the point? They'll leave you sooner or later.
It's gotten to the point where I just lay awake thinking 'what's the point of living? You're not really making an effort to survive. You're going to be lonely forever because no one wants you. You're unlovable. You're disgusting. No one wants you here.'
I don't want to be alone my whole life...but I can't accept anyone. Help me. I want this sick feeling to go away.
