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My mother is dismissive and insensitive to me and my daughter vs siblings

Anamaree
Community Member

My mother is in her 80's. I'm her youngest daughter, just turned 49 with a single child of my own. I have an older brother and sister, both 10 years older than me and always close to each other. Our father died young. He was close to me and I cared for him when he was terminally ill. My mother has always been a bit closer to my siblings. However , after dads death I lived and cared for my mum for years as she was lonely, with poor English, and doesn't drive. We were good. I had a failed marriage in 2014. Years later I moved out to try a new life with my daughter and new relationship. Trying to find my own personal happiness. That's when my older sister stepped in. She lives hour away from me and my mum ( I rent 7 doors from my mum to help her if needed )but spends hours over the phone each day with her. My sister doesn't work and her husband has ensured their wealth. I work every day as a single mum for my daughter . I rent. My sister has manipulated my mum to the extent she has changed the locks so I can't enter the house. My siblings can. My mum most recently ignores me, speaks rudely to me over the phone. Is dismissive of my health and that of my daughter. Her granddaughter. She has family get togethers in secret away from me and my daughter . We dont get invited brcause my sister resents me. We live close by so we can see when they are over.  I was in hospital recently and she didn't even call to ask about me. But told my partner that my sister had a bad cold and  that she was worried for her. When I was in hospital I needed my daughter to stay over a night in my absence so she wasn't alone in our rental property. She's 13. As I was very ill and I left the house in an ambulance. So my daughter was upset seeing me being taken away like that. When I phoned my mum from my hospital bed at 9pm to ask if my daughter could stay one night until I possibly would be discharged next day, she said no. Her excuse, that no one but my sister sleeps in the spare bed. That they don't want to be washing the sheets if my daughter was there. I was so sad. And even more worried for my daughter. I can't forgive my mum for her abuse of my feelings and my daughters . My older brother who's,always been good eith me is siding wirh my sister. They had mum change her will and are powers of attorney. They can't wait to put her in a nursing home. I spent 4 years caring for my father, then 7 woth my mum. Whilst they lived their lives, travelled brought up their kids. Now that I need some support they have turned their backs. My daughter is very hurt by this. I just try to soldier on but its really hurtful. Any advice? 

3 Replies 3

tranzcrybe
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

This is such a cruel scenario, but how your siblings behave is no reason to carry the resentment, as they seem to be focused on other short term/transient personal interests than comprehending the bigger picture.

The same applies to finding forgiveness in your heart for Mother, if only on the grounds of ignorance or persuasion from those around her to form thoughts that may contain a grain of truth or even support long held bias.
Thinking for ourselves is not as easy as one might expect and your greatest attribute rests in what you have provided in care for your father and mother - that can't be taken away from you and this is the gift you offer your daughter: showing kindness and selfless sacrifice places you above those of lesser pursuits.

 

tranzcrybe
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hold on to hope that things change, trying to look beyond the hurt as that too can pass once released from your consciousness.

Severing ties, while offering some respite, can be a double edged sword; whereas acceptance (without being exploited) affords you grace.

Not easy, not fair, but leaving the door ajar is a sign of love and an invitation to find/show compassion if the opportunity presents itself.