My mental illness is taking a toll on my relationship

[Em140]

Hi everyone,

I’m not really sure how to being this so I might start with some background information on the title.

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly two years and have been on a roller coaster ever since we left the honeymoon stage. You see I have experience anxiety, depression and high levels of stress have been with me since I was little. It roots from some family conflict and some negative experience that I had at an early age. This effects my self esteem and ability to self sooth myself.
min the begin he was so supportive, let me call him when I was having a moment, didn’t matter if it was 4 in the morning he was there to talk. Then I went on holidays for two weeks and he cheated on me.. three days before our one year.. it’s been hell but I think we’re through it.

So we’re now nearly two years in and after an argument he says that he’s not as empathetic as he use to be towards me and my issues. This is because I don’t listen to him, that it’s always the same thing and he doesn’t know what to say to me anymore, it’s happening too frequently.

In a way hes right. I can keep calling him in the early hours of the morning (that normally makes the situation worst, he’s grumpy.. I’m grumpy).

At the moment I am using strategies such as tapping to destruct myself in I’m the moment of overwhelming. And talking to either him or a free councillor at my uni.

Is there anything else Someone can suggest I do? For the sack of my relationship I need to do something

Thanks

[geoff]

Hello Em, and a warm welcome to the forums.

Our only wish is to have the 'honeymoon period' last forever, then it may become momentous but know that during this time it's possible to prevent any mental illness from taking over and controlling us.

Eventually, our true feelings begin to open up or expand to how we actually feel and that's when any hidden depression and/or anxiety starts to expose itself.

While you had two weeks away, he cheated on you and perhaps why you are ringing or texting him early in the morning to see where he is and maybe needs to be sorted out with the help of a counsellor to find some trust in your relationship.

Hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.

[TishaJade]

Hi Em140,

I would like to offer you some advice.

Your own personal growth is important. Learning how to deal with your triggers, learning to trust, and overall growing and developing yourself to be a better person. Not only for your partner but for you.

I'm really sorry but your boyfriend has broken your trust in the midst of you trying to be trusting, as much as you think you will be okay, it will always come back... you will always be worried. And quite frankly, if he truly loved you he would never have cheated on you. However it is important that you do listen to his needs as well... I have often been selfish in my relationship, needing constant reassurance, overthinking and having depressive moods that I lean on him to lift. I learned it is not fair on him to do this ALL the time. I learned that he has just as much right to look after himself and his own mental health, and time for himself without my constant battering. I also learned that just because he couldn't offer me as much support anymore, doesn't mean he didn't love me or want to, but he was DRAINED.

In my personal opinion, as much as it would be extremely difficult I would move on, apply what I've learned to better myself, so that I can offer someone else a better version of myself. But I'd also have certain expectations to my future partner. E.g. communication, always communicate. Expect him to support you, but don't expect him to carry your whole load. And support him as well. It is a two way deal. Make it clear from the start that infidelity means a complete loss of respect for the person you're with, and a complete lack of trust. And if it were to happen you will walk out because you respect YOURSELF.

At the end of the day, it is up to you what you choose to do. If you think you can stay with him and rebuild trust again then that's great.

I hope my advice has helped anyhow.

Good luck!