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My husbands emotional affair -feeling lost on what to do!!

Community Member

I apologise if this seems to be a novel, but I want to be completely thorough on my situations.

The catalyst was an unplanned pregnancy. We had two children who were 6 and 9. We thought our family was complete. I thoroughly thought through both options, but with hubby being self employed and I was already feeling invisible due to a very busy life. I honestly told him that I was scared to terminate as if he couldn't give me emotional support I would need, I feared resentment would creep into our marriage. Never had another conversation about this, no matter how hard I tried. He refused to talk about it. Fast forward, beautiful baby girl, sibling ecstatic. Hubby not so. I did everything for baby. Hubby would go days without touching her. I booked him a doctors appointment thinking it was PND and told him I didn't have the tools to help him and to get a mental health plan to get back on track. He cancelled appointment.

Baby 12 weeks old. Hubby has best mates 40th on house boat. Never ever had trust issues, so I stayed at home with kids. There he met 'the bird', also married, best friends wife BFF and a jeweller designer for engagement/wedding rings. After this hubby started becoming very removed, then covid hit. I found a birthday card in his car lockdown August 2020. He came up with the wildest lies. I didn't buy it. After using my forensics background I did a handwriting comparison to get my truth. More lies. They were just friends trying to help mend their BF's marriage which had since broken down. Still I didn't buy it. The hardest thing for me was, up until this point, hubby had one of the strongest moral codes that I have ever seen in a person. December 2020 hubby was unbearably moody and a functioning alcoholic. I asked him point blank if there was another woman. More lies. 3 weeks before my 40th he told me he didn't love me the way he should. I proactively booked us in for marriage counselling the following Jan. After a few joint/single sessions in March I found his declaration of love in a valentines poem he wrote to her in his Icloud. My world turned upside down. Gutted, betrayed, hurt and lonely. I know he is sorry and hates what he did. In his way he wants to fix it, but for me there had been no transparency. Only his word. I have access to nothing. Ive asked for copies of phone bills. Still waiting. To the outside world I am a strong, level headed, confident, happy woman. On the inside I am a shell who is struggling to come to terms with my life!

2 Replies 2

Community Member

Sorry a continuation of my story.

Upon finding out the truth finally, hubby says that he had no choice in what happened. It was because our marriage was failing and he had no choice in the say of our pregnancy. For me, he had a voice which he chose not to use. I had not heard of either. He told me he was in love with us both. Which crippled me.
Hubby says they broke contact in April but I have no way of knowing this as I have no access to his phone, email bank account etc. he then gets frustrated when I ask questions and why I question what he is telling me. 8 months on and I’m no further in finding the truth. I know he’s deeply upset of what he’s done and he hates confronting it. This makes it worse for me as we can’t talk about anything. I feel so alone and in the dark which I openly tell him. He finds it hard to even hug me and our sex life is nothing. He doesn’t want to have sex with me out of fear of me falling pregnant but he hasn’t organised the snip. It’s all these things that drive me crazy in my head still wondering if something is still going on. He says he wants to try and fix our family and organised to take 4 months away from his business to go around oz as a family. In his mind he thinks this will fix everything. I’m at the point where I can’t afford to lose any more weight and I’m driving myself crazy with exhaustion of trying to keep an even keel with the kids who we have tried our best to protect along with my own mental health and trying to get a good night sleep without waking up in a cold sweat from nightmares. I’ve also found out hubby is a regular cocaine user. He was one of the most anti drugs person I knew. Just another issue to add to the pile. I just don’t feel he is making enough effort with me personally. He only apologies off the back of me crying. In his mind he convinced himself he was doing nothing wrong. They were only friends who occasionally kissed. He also told the few people who do know, that he had thought I had changed. So it was partly my fault as to why he wandered. I’m upside down spinning around desperately trying to make the right decision for my family and myself. I just don’t know what to do. If anyone has any advice or been in my situation please feel free to post your thoughts on my story. I just don’t want to feel and live like this any longer. I just want to be me again as I did love me.

thank you.

Hi Flipside,  We’re sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way and going through such a difficult time with your partner. Having a young child, as well as two older children, cann add a lot of weight to challeneges in a relationship. A part from everything else, we are really glad to hear the siblings are getting along.

We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you.  It sounds like you could do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here (11am-midnight AEDT). You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They also have some great advice on their pages, such as this one on communication in relationships.  Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members soon.  Kind regards,   Sophie M