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My husbands depression is pushing me away
I will try and write the short version to this. My husband and I are both 30 and have a 5 year old daughter. My husband has suffered from depression for awhile and in a result of this last year left me for 4 months and went back to family in NZ. It was never a discussion and he was actually diagnosed over there and got help. This is also when he was placed on medication. Although when he was there the help was great, he went out alot with his brothers drinking. I had to stay back in Aus and pay for a life that we led on a dual income but now on a single income. He never called our daughter, never asked about her and only would contact me when he wanted money. I tried to help when I could but I knew I was enabling the drinking. I felt sorry for him and I was in pain that I wanted my husband back. Before he left to NZ he told me he wasnt sure if he saw a future with me - he was on instagram alot and took a liking to all the unrealistic photos on instagram.
When he came back, he was amazing - he was more emotionally engaged. He actually could talk about his emotions. Until 8 weeks later his younger brother from NZ moved in with us, we then lost our famliy dynamic and he started drinking and having single lifestyle with his brother.
I agreed to move to a bigger house where is brother could live with us and things got worst - my husband now goes out twice a week and spends nearly all our money - to the point where our childcare dishonours and I have no money to feed us. I would stress that this was unfair, but he didnt seem to care. Recently We both lost our jobs and he got a new one - I suggested for me to get a part time job so I could be there for my daughter starting school next year. He asked why - I stated that I do not get help around the house at all, I am a single mother and feel that if I dont get help with the night time chores the stress of a full time job for me isnt worth it... The convo went to apparently I nag all the time, and the house is a bad place to live. I got so upset that he thought this after I supported him last year and I havnt brought up anything since now his brother lives with us and i never ever get help. So I left - I am now 5 days in. He hasnt contacted me only a text saying we need space to calm down. I am now preparing for a proper separation and to move on with my life. I am not this time round - going to suggest help or fight for him - i think now he needs to realize????
Im sorry you are going through this. Men can be so selfish.
My husband of 12 years left me 3 days ago. He said he doesn’t love me and it’s been like this for 7 years where he said he tried to rekindle but it didn’t work.
He would always go out drinking it’s been real bad the last month about 2-3 times a week.
I can’t tell you what to do but I do see your husband is acting like mine.
And it ended even with all the effort I made to support him and his work.
I quit my job so I could look after our kids, but he still acted the same. Some weeks and months he would be great then he will ignore me.
Good luck and you are not alone even though it feels like it.
Its super tough to get a true reading on whats going on and the guilt I have for leaving him. But i just couldnt do it any more, hes no longer the guy I married.
Keep me updated on how your going - I find it inspirational and so healthy reaching out to people in similar situations.
Welcome AG1988 to the forum,
Sorry to hear you have been working so hard and have separated.
I was wondering in those 8 weeks when your husband was communicating to you about his emotions was he on medication and drinking.
Is it possible to have a chat with your husband without his brother.?
I can understand how hard this has been for you and see that you want to separate .
I am concerned that you may need to get financial and emotional support for yourself.
I am glad you are writing here and sharing your story.
Thank you Quirky
In the 8 weeks after he returned and he was amazing, there was no excessive drinking which I felt allowed the medication to do its thing. Since writing my comment - he has contacted me. However no deep conversations, just very casual and him being polite.
I will need to get emotional and financial help and I am fortunate to have great family support.
I just want things to change so I feel hopeful to go back home 😞
I have had a bad few days only coz he wouldn’t talk to me at all. Which made it more confusing and heartbreaking. He kept saying he wants to be friends but I said we aren’t as you aren’t talking to me to see how I’m coping with the kids. He’s only contacted me for the kids. I’ve had to go through in a week were everything was ok to him moving out and not talking to me 😢
So we talked a little tonight and it was helpful that he finally listened to me and will keep in touch.
I feel a bit better tonight. I know he won’t come back but I just want us to be civil for the kids sake.
I hope things have gotten better for you 🌸
I’m so happy to hear your feeling better. And that you are content with the fact you both won’t get back together.
my husband called today for a general chat, I’m confused and desperate to make it work however I also don’t want to fold and forget the reasons why I’m standing my ground.
i am just a generous person and easily forgive.
so him called for a chit chat broke me, I don’t know how to take it
I understand, I’m still heartbroken and I know deep down if he changed his mind I would forgive him just like you I’m a forgiving person.
Last night we had another chat which broke me even more that he said he hasn’t been drinking and eating healthy (drinking was one of the major issues in our marriage) so for him to be fine made me feel like it was all my fault that he was drinking every day. 😢
I’m very depressed today I have an appointment to see my GP to help me through this but I haven’t cried all day which is one positive.
Don’t criticise yourself, your definitely not the reason he was drinking.
my husband drinks a lot as well. I’m not sure I can do this limbo any more. I need answers but my anxiety is so afraid to start asking questions. Because I do want us to work, I don’t think his depression is going to allow him to fight.
i hope the GP helped xx
the gp gave me some sleeping tablets so I have been sleeping 7 hours uninterrupted which has made such an impact and I’ll see her again in a week.
I’m trying to not focus on what he is doing now. I’m focusing on myself and the kids
I hope all is well.