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My husband wants to transition into a woman
I did not react well. I became someone I didn't know. For almost 2 months we had constant fights. I yelled at him and said some very horrible things. He swore at me, he started to become self absorbed, distant and disengaged. I went to counselling and as per advice created boundaries. He got upset with boundaries, so we stopped.
Before this, our marriage was full of love, honesty, support, loyalty, kindness and laughter. We constantly joked we were still in the honeymoon phase. We brought out the best in each other. His family even said that before me he was very sad, lonely and quiet. I never knew that man. I helped build his confidence.
2 days after Christmas he moved out because he said he needed a break. We have only spoken a couple of times since and after our last conversation he said he felt ambushed even though it was only about our finances during the break. Going forward he has asked I text him what I want to talk about first before we have a call the following day. He wants time to consider his response. Seeing me isn't going to help. He said he no longer feels the same about me as when we first met and at this point, he thinks he doesn't want to be married to me however given we have both been through a very emotional time he doesn't want to make a rash unwise decision. The break will continue until he has spoken with his psychiatrist (which may take several few weeks).
After he left, I wrote him a letter apologising for everything I said and that I loved him and I think I could stay with him as a woman (despite the fact I'm straight). I feel like I have done everything I can to take responsibility for my actions. He has not shown any remorse. He has been hypocritical with his demands (i.e. I have to instantly accept who he is but he can't accept who I am at my worst) and has shut me out. I love him and want to work this out. I don't know what to do. 6 years of joy apparently means nothing nor does for better or worse. I think he believes if you don't have butterflies in your stomach for a fleeting moment, you no longer love that person. This has been our first major issue. We have no kids but intended to start IVF (his sperm was the issue).
100 responses to your post wo build get that many opinions, I'm sorry to declare.
I'm sympathetic to your husband, he must be going through he'll. His lack of response and proactivity towards the marriage is most likely due to his confusion of his sexuality (e.g. wanting a break to free up his mind) rather than any shortcomings you have. So take heart, your hubby is the one with the major issues.
Unfortunately I can't see it working out and I'll explain my theory. I've known a couple in similar circumstances. He was trans and her straight. Once he came out she was accommodating as long as she could persue her own sexual path which later became some gay relationships. That free and easy open relationship worked for them however you both are not them and you are straight traditionally.
I'm sorry I can't be positive about it. I think being only 6 years you could eventually consider a different path with someone else. I've had 3 previous long term relationships of 7, 11 and 10 years duration and now have been happily married for 9 years. Believe me, it's worth trying again with someone else when that time comes about. At the moment it's too are and recent.
Please feel free to keep asking questions.
Welcome and thank you for reaching out here. I hear you, it’s a very difficult time for you right now. Your situation is almost a carbon copy of my own.
I have more to say but I need to get home first (not far) so I can write a response.
But I wanted to respond to you as soon as I saw your post and tell you you’re not alone.
Hi Orange Rose,
I’m sorry it’s been such a difficult time for you. Sounds as though you’ve had a wonderful relationship with your husband, and it must feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you.
I know the feeling of wanting to take action and figure out what you are to each other. To have all the answers now.
But my best advise is to allow yourself time. It’s probably not what you want to hear. But giving yourself time, and look
after your well-being first, will help you see your options in a different light.
My husband and I had been very happily married for 7 years.
Then about 2 years ago, my husband started behaving in an unusually angry way and I couldn’t get to the bottom of it. I asked him to see a psychologist about the anger. A few weeks later he invited me to one of his appointments and told me he realised he had gender dysphoria. And wanted to transition to female.
I sat there stunned, but nodded and reassured him I still loved him of course.
Over the following months, my numbness gave way to unhappiness, as it started to sink in that our relationship was also undergoing a changed dynamic, as he started making gradual changes to his physical appearance (hair removal, voice training).
Unfortunately, while I was supportive of his transition, we had some terrible arguments. I (regretfully) was resentful, anxious, and wanting to make rash decisions. He was angry and said some awful things to me. In hindsight we were in pain and taking it out on each other.
I am straight, while he (she) is a lesbian.
We had to grieve our old relationship. While we were still living under the same roof and looking after two toddlers. It was so stressful.
But we are now adjusting to this different life, not as a couple, but like close friends, without the fighting etc.
Please look after yourself. Trust and communication will help both of you.
I’m sorry I couldn’t reply earlier!