My husband seems to have retreated into a bubble

[contrarymary]

Could not think of a better title

we have been married for 40 years and all 3 children left home many years ago and have 2 grandchildren

in the past 6 months my husband has taken to going and sitting or lying in one of the spare rooms. He is in there for about 2 hours in the afternoon comes out when I say dinner is ready he then has his dinner and goes back in and then comes out again about 1030pm for bed. He reads in there or listens to music, he comes out sometimes to make a cup if tea or go to toilet but that's it. In the summer months he spends all his time outside

tonight he had dinner at 6pm put his plate in the sink and went to his room as he calls it its now coming up for 10pm and he hasn't appeared

he has been retired for 3 years plays bowls 2 days a week

if I make arrangements for us to do things eg go to movies he will go, we go out in the mornings to the shops or for coffee and visit children and grandchildren.

i asked if he was feeling ok said yes any ideas on how to deal with this, it gets a bit lonely sitting by myself at night

i don't know if it's because we haven't been able to go on our usual holidays, 6 months ago we bought a small unit an hour away on coast with children and we go there for 2/3 days a week and guess what he spends all his time sitting outside on patio

he is 64 and is in good health he just seems to just want to sit and read

he is from an age where he doesn't discuss things, hates mobile phones and computers and if doesn't like something eg I spend time talking on the phone he doesn't speak to me for 2 or 3 days, that's not new.

I want to help or understand but how

[wannabe_alpha]

Hello Contrary Mary!

Its good that you have reached out ! I think you should keep talking to him, probably his attitude will change slowly. However, dont be too much affected by others' behaviour. I know its easier said than done. While you can try your best, but we can control others' behaviour only to some extent.

Thus you should also have something else to keep you occupied in a good way.

[geoff]

Hello Mary, before men retire they always believe that eventually, they will have time to do what they've always wanted to do, whether this is an interest they have or something new that's suddenly inspired them to do, but when retirement does happen, it's quite a shock to realise that they don't have any work commitments and may become feeling like their struggling with their mood.

My retirement was caused by how I was feeling, becoming depressed years ago, but I was too young and wanted to do so much more in hindsight, now I'm physically incapable and unable to, only passing on ways for other people, but my son has taken over and knows what to do, while the other son has learned so much.

Even though your husband is in good health, physically, doesn't mean that he's not feeling well mentally, although at 64 who is going to come out and say they're depressed, sometimes it doesn't occur to them they may need help, however, going to the movies is good, but perhaps all he wants to do is 'go with the flow' and doesn't or can't make decisions on his own, only do what he's told to do, I'm not sure Mary.

One way to help him is to ask whether or not he is interested in contacting the Men's Shed, people his age who get together and talk about anything that interests them and some of the men at bowls may also be going.

Mary, I know this must be lonely for you but both your children and grandkids must be a joy for you to entertain.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.