My husband manipulated by Brother-in-law

[Anupriya]

I just wanted to share something and get advice from you. I hope someone will be able to help me. My in-laws have been treating me badly and was controlling ever since marriage and even before that they were disrespectful because I was from a middle class family who doesn’t bring much money or dowry when I got married to their son. My brother in-law flirted with me before I got married to his brother because he thought that his brother will not marry me. I advised him, put him in his boundary didn’t make any scene about it. But he didn’t get the signs and spoke ill about his brother and his own family. I guess he didn’t want me to marry his brother and I stopped talking with him. I didn’t feel good about my BIL since. After marriage he started being disrespectful with me, interfering in our life and I minimised any interactions with him. After moving to Melbourne I thought my relationship with my husband will get better. But every now and then his brother wanted money from my husband for unnecessary expenses like he couldn’t do exercises in the house so he built a big shed On the roof. He recently got engaged and didn’t contribute any money for his engagement and my husband has to spend his money for everything even for his fiancé engagement clothes. Now he is getting married in a month and my husband is spending for his marriage too. My BIL is going to job as well but never spends a single penny. All family maintenance and the money spent on functions everything is my husband’s money. Before marriage, I told my husband about everything that happened with his brother and he doesn’t take it seriously at all. I spoke with him about how I feel uncomfortable with my in-laws. 

3days ago my BIL called my husband and he ignored his call and sent him a text. After few mins my husband’s cousin called and he picked his call. Immediately his cousin asked my husband to move away from me and asked if it was me sending messages to my BIL from my husband’s mobile. I don’t know what to think about that and my husband seems alright but I am not. 

[geoff]

Hello Anupriya, from what you have told us is that your husband is paying for everything, believing he is helping his brother and finance out, however, what appears to be happening is he is being manipulated into believing he's helping them out, rather than conned into doing this.

May be they don't want a person who understands what's actually happening and both you and he need time alone to sort all of this out.

Your husbands needs to understand that he has made a commitment in marrying you and a reality check needs to be re-established as well as realising he is married to you, rather than someone else.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Anupriya]

Hello Geoff, Thank you for your reply. 
Yes you are right, my in-laws are extremely manipulative and making him believe and think somehow it is his responsibility to spend for his brother’s expenses, engagement and marriage.

His brother used to guilt trip my husband and I have seen it when I was living with them. His brother will say that you were not here when mother was sick, you only sent money, I took care of her. Even his elder aunts are getting money from my husband and says that you should take care of your mother but I am doing it and what’s the use in giving birth to you like that. My husband was in abroad at that time and they needed money. I witnessed everything, though I couldn’t open my mouth. My husband told me not to interfere in his family affairs. I love him deeply and after marriage I left my 60 years old mother in India to live alone to come live with him this far but he got sucked into all his family drama and doesn’t talk with me even though we both are in the same room the whole day. I couldn’t share this with my mother and worry her. I feel sad and alone. I don’t care if he spends money to them but treating me like I’m not supposed to say any opinion about it bothers me. 

[Fiatlux]

Hi Anupriya,

Hope you are well today. I understand that you may have cultural practices and traditions such as looking after your husband's family.

May I ask, does your husband believe that as he is earning this money, that he and only he controls your finances. Are you working and earning at the moment? 

I know when I got married I had to pay for my own wedding as my parents couldn't. A year before I was married, my brother got married with 700 guests. So you can imagine the wedding bill. My parents borrowed money for my brothers wedding and silly me, helped my parents pay back the loan. Life is not equal in many cultures for males and females. My parents never repaid me even through they promised.

It seems terribly unfair that your husbands brother and even a cousin is interfering in your marriage this way. 

My husband at times was earning less than me, but always spent twice as much as me. My husband was terrible with money but hated lending money to friends and family unless it suited him. He looked like a hero if he lent a friend some money to buy a car, so he could show off that he helped out a friend. My husband never ever asked me if he could buy something or give money to someone. He just did what he liked. This caused a lot of problems in our marriage, especially when we had children. I would save money, he would spend it.

You need to find a way to speak to your husband about this. Are his family paying back the money? When you may need money, can your husband turn to his brother and ask for the money back? Is your husband the elder brother and he is expected to look after the family? I am sorry but the brother sounds like he is very spoilt and entitled. Your husband is not a Bank. Maybe your husband secretly likes being the hero?

Good luck and I am so sorry your are having to go through this. It is seriously affecting you and your marriage.

[Anupriya]

Hey, Thanks for sharing. I’m on a visitor visa and on a condition that I am not supposed to work. However, I am doing a short term course to up my skills. I was independent with my finances when I was in India and spent my earnings for our marriage. I did not lend any money from my parents or anyone. I even withdrew my provind funds to spend on marriage. My husband is taking care of me financially now since I’m not working. I don’t want it to be long term so I am studying and I will start work once I get my bridging visa. We took bank loan to pay for my visa and him spending savings money for his brother’s marriage is not acceptable.
No, his parents and his brother are not gonna give any money back. I’m sure, it was not discussed before hand. His parents told my husband that they spent for his education so he is indebted to pay them money whenever they ask. When they asked some money for engagement rituals to my husband’s brother, he didn’t gave them any money and replied he doesn’t have any money. However my husband’s brother had saving and bought his fiancée an expensive engagement gift which later we came to know. If he had savings why he didn’t give it to his parents when they asked for the engagement rituals. I don’t know why they are not asking my husband’s brother to contribute money for his own marriage. 
My husband is delaying to plan for our baby because of all this financial expenses. We live in a share house and he is getting me warm clothes from thrift shops. I’m okay with that but if we are planning for baby in the future we can’t stay in a share house. I get thrift shop clothes (I’m not complaining it’s bad) whereas they spend so much money for wedding clothes. I don’t know how to feel about it. It is not jealousy but I feel sad about myself and it’s depressing that I can’t do anything about it and keep my mouth shut. My husband also told me that he has never spent money for his brother or done anything for him so he is doing this. I mean it’s not his responsibility to Takecare of his brother’s marriage expenses.

[Anupriya]

And my brother got married during 2015. My mother borrowed money for his marriage and after marriage my brother cut us without any contact. I had to pay the loans for my brother’s marriage. I have paid for all the loans for my brother’s marriage. I got married last year and I had my earnings to spend for my marriage. I don’t want my husband end up like me, paying for his brother’s marriage expenses while he is not taking responsibility and delaying to plan for our baby because of that. I spoke with my husband and he started hiding how much he is spending for the marriage and not telling me anything. Not speaking properly with me. That’s why I’m seeking help from others. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m mentally getting disturbed by all of these coz I have been through this already for years.