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My husband loves his hand more than me.

Community Member

I’m writing this post more to just vent and talk about my feelings.

I’m young but have been with my husband for a very long time. We love each other very much and I don’t doubt that.

We are like best friends. But the intimacy has gone. He doesn’t hug me, kiss me, cuddle me. I just don’t feel like he lets me in.

I really don’t mind if my husband watches porn. But we don’t have sex a lot. So it make me feel so inadequate and unattractive. I feel like he prefers to just do it on his own than be close to me.

I woke up to him in the bathroom doing it. It made my fears feel real. When he came to bed I ended up having a panic attack. But I didn’t say why. He was so sweet talking me through breathing.

I guess im just struggling with my feelings of not being good enough or attractive enough for him. I feel angry and sad and a little lonely.

Please tell me someone out there is feeling like this?

4 Replies 4

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Ilovedoogos~

Welcome to the Forum, I'm sorry you are going though this and understand how you could feel as if you were inadequate in some way, and I understand how you could be angry too.

You say a lot of complimentary thngs about your husband, from your love, though his talking you though the panic attack to being best friends. He sounds pretty much ok except in this one area, have I misunderstood?

This is a very important thing for you, and important things affect both in a partnership. I wonder if it is possible to have a frank discussion with your husband about things, not in any way being accusatory, but perhaps more how you feel in terms of self esteem and loneliness.

Talk between people that care is good first step - do you think it might be possible?

If you do get to be able to talk, then it might be possible to explore how both of you can feel loved, satisfied and together - a learning process maybe.

Here I'm talking about more than just sex, but the closeness, cuddles reassurance and all. Relationships might not be static, but always need to respect your needs as much as anything.

Please feel you can talk here as much as you like


Community Member

I just wanted to say Hi and how I relate.

My husband of 25 years has been addicted to porn/dating websites throughout our whole relationship, he say's "it's none of my business and I have betrayed his privacy by learning and finding out". My business side of things, he's not interested in me! Porn addiction means (to me), his door is shut, there is more attractive people out there and he invests in this and his hand more than me.

Please try and discuss your feelings with him, I'm too long in the tooth for my feelings to matter and have realised at the end of the day, their too appealing, too abundant and I can't compete!

I have tried in the past to be "present" but in my energy and vibe I know I'm a "theme", physicality and intimacy is not gifted to me in return - which creates more wounds. In -to -me-I-see I've never felt.

My husband is also my best friend, he also controls and provides for my existence, an oxy moran I'm conditioned to, he is also my cause of low self esteem.

Community Member
I feel for you, my circumstances are similar. However, I rejected my husband quite a lot and not for reasons he thought, my mind just wasn’t into it because it was always thinking about something else, stress, family issues, exhausted etc. A year ago I don’t know what made me realise I could see his browsing history or what prompted me to tbh. But I did, I seen porn sites visited and sort of expected it, but as I scrolled back through 5 years it gutted me that it was everyday several times a day, specific search “types” teenagers you name it. I lost it to the point of crazy. When he said you know I’ve always watched it why are you making a big deal out of it, you didn’t want to come near me? my guilt surfaced and I felt so so horrible that I had created this when he wanted me and I seen no harm in not reciprocating as there were more important things to deal with. I couldn’t get over the fact that what he seemed to like was nothing like me, that he did it during really difficult times when I wouldn’t think a persons mind would even be thinking about that. In the end he said he doesn’t need it, I bought myself back into our relationship better than ever. I could still see what he was doing online and every time I left the house, had a shower or sleep whatever, he was straight onto the sites. He even knocked me back one morning, I lay in bed and looked 5 minutes later and sure enough that’s what he went and did. CRUSHED. It has been constant fights on and off ever since, he hasn’t watched it for 8 months as I can see it. But in between he YouTubed girls, I told him I know, he lied then couldn’t deny with the evidence I produced. That was it until 2 weeks ago he searched up hot chics on Facebook before I had woken then came to the bedroom but I had already looked and seen what he’d provided himself with and I was mad. He then abused me that I’m controlling and it’s none of my business. I said ok change all your passwords so he did. Ever since I feel betrayed and just anxious and depressed (I already have severe anxiety) I get what he’s saying about privacy and always feeling under watch but my feelings don’t go away, I’m always suspicious and don’t feel good enough anymore. It’s added to my paranoia. Ppl say what you don’t know doesn’t hurt you, but I do know now and everything feels different for me. It’s like being married to a man with 2 lives, it’s not physically cheating but to me it feels that way because he’s turned on by someone else. I need advice 2

Community Member
Hey just letting you know me and my husband are 28 and have been struggling with the same issue for 10 years. My husband has actually withdrawn all sex from me.

The things that I have learnt over the years is 1 to love yourself, concentrate on you don't compete with the women on his screen, there are too many and it will only burn you out. Appreciate your own qualitities.

The other thing that has helped me through it is to keep open communication and remember it's not your fault it's a decision he can only make on his own terms.

It's absolutely horrible to go through. I wish men knew how much harm, trauma and pain they cause their wives when watching porn. It's so selfish of them, I understand the betrayal.

Hope it gets better oxox