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My husband left me and our 3 children a week ago
I've never posted in a forum before, but I feel the need to get this out and hopefully get some advice.
On Sunday my husband, who has always had anger management issues and says he is depressed began screaming at our young children because they were bickering. This is not unusual as he has a very short fuse and a very bad temper. He then put on his headphones and refused to engage with anyone. I left him a while, but when I tried to talk to him later in the morning he started screaming at me. I can't even remember what he said, but it involved lots of swearing and name calling.
Most weekends are spent like this, but for some reason this weekend I got angry and asked him to leave for the week so I could have a break from his anger. He reacted very badly to this and packed all his things telling me that I have cost the kids a father and that he will never be back. He then concinuted to abuse me before leaving. He withdrew half the money from our bank account and has refused to speak to me.
I couldn't get in contact with him at all for days, which is unusual as even when we fight he always gets back to me eventually. I started to worry like crazy. I haven't eaten and have barely slept so I sent my friend to his office to see if he is there. He very angrily told my friend to tell me to stop calling and that since I said 5 days, he'll give me 5 years.
This isn't the first time he's hurt me this way or ended the relationship so cruelly. I'm just struggling to understand what is wrong with me that I want him still. Why do I want a man who verbally and psychologically abuses me and our children? I feel like a terrible mother and a pathetic person. I am teaching my boys that it's okay to treat women this way and I hate myself for that, but the thought of ending the relationship causes me so much anxiety. I just haven't the strength to go it alone.
If anyone has any advice or supportive words I would really appreaciate it. I'm in desperate need of some kindness today.
Hi AdriftAnnie. Lynda here. What a mess, the one thing to remember here, it is not your fault. I think your hubby must have been looking for a reason to leave and when you asked him to go so you could 'breathe', that was his cue. You've been existing in an abusive relationship, it's become second nature, you've always made excuses for his behaviour. It's also possible that what you 'miss' isn't him, so much, it's just that you've become so immune to the abuse, almost believing what he said, you actually miss the abuse. As incredible as that seems, when we live in abusive, violent relationships and they stop suddenly, it's like part of our life has gone. Teaching your boys it's 'okay' is also part of the battered wife syndrome. You don't know any other way. You actually know, deep down it's not okay for your boys to treat women bad, but you don't know any other way, so you can't teach them. I would suggest you contact your Dr and ask about some treatment for your anxiety. You are a good mum, but you need reassuring. You've been living with ridicule and abuse so long, you believe it. C'link would also be a good avenue for financial support, explain your hubby has left taking money and you have children to look after. Get some legal advise, there are lawyers that give free advise. I don't think you're pathetic or terrible, I think you're extremely vulnerable and need reassuring. You sound extremely loving and caring. Your hubby is the one with the problems. I would start loving your boys, tell them you love them, hug them, show them how you treat them and tell them the way you treat them is how they should treat others, with respect and caring.
Don't be afraid to show love and respect. Your hubby is the loser here. You have a second chance to get your life back.
If you need to talk to someone try ringing our helpline. We have counsellors who can listen and guide.
Thanks Lynda. Everything you've said is true. I have been in denial for so long and my self esteem is practically non existent. I will try to focus on myself and my boys and being a good role model for them. Sometimes in a crisis it's hard to have perspective and remember the things that matter.