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My husband is depressed and won't seek help

mgd2016
Community Member

I don't know why exactly I am writing, I just feel that I need to talk to someone. I come from another Country and have no family here and I feel quite pushed to my limit today, so here it is.

We've been together for 10 years and have two beautiful children who are 6 and 2.5. My husband got a very expensive divorce when we first got together, he could never get over all the money he lost and he used to blame for it (I still think he does even though he denies it).

He is a hard working, loving and caring husband and father when he is at his best, but it has become quite rare to see him at his best. His work put immense strain on him, paired with massive financial problems (he's the sole income earner), he's been very nervous and moody, that is his 'normal' now.

The accusations and nit-picking is quite relentless, I have a strong personality and will not allow him to treat me badly and that's where the problems begin, I am constantly accused of not giving him enough support and compassion. I confess I find it hard to feel compassion for someone who is always putting me down.

I tried to start a little home business to help financially but his constant telling me my efforts do not make any difference to our finances and because me working annoyed him, and the accusations that by working I cannot give him or the kids the attention they (more like 'him') needs as I give my kids plenty of attention, this is all about him, not the kids, even though he uses them to manipulate me and try to make me feel guilty to get his way. Anyway, after 2 years of absolute hell I gave up my business as I can't deal with his accusations, annoyances and nit picking.

I suggested he suffers from depression but he disagrees and won't do a thing to get help.

He resents me because I am at home with the kids while he has to work, but he won't allow me to work either!

I suffer from bad pms and I am on antidepressants. Because he is always moody we argue a lot and when I retaliate he blames my pms and says I'm a 'bitch'. The truth is, I can be quite understanding when I'm at my best, but when I have pms symptoms I get short and can't deal with his moods and constant picking. I am so tired of trying to reason with him, everything is my fault, no matter how awful he's been he won't apologize until I 'drill' it out and he will hold grudges sometimes for days on end. Sex and intimacy became non-existent. He gave up on it and to be honest I don't feel like being with him.

Help! Thank you.

9 Replies 9

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi mgd, welcome

Relationship issues like thus aren't easy to reply as we only get one perspective but I'll try.

Effective communication is crutial to calm. Faith in the other is also, faith in their intent especially. But we as individuals also need some insight into where not to cross boundaries the partner will find unhelpful.

Its great you are trying to make some money from working at home. But he being a practical logical male will possibly see such efforts as not making much difference in the financial scheme of things.

As he is temperamental I would only be doing such work when he is at work. Also, any profits you make must be shown to him to demonstrate its worth eg, a weekend away alone? He'll soon realise you working value...even if its a small amount.

You can't make him get help for any illness. Google: Topic: is there room for stubbornness?- beyondblue. And...Topic: does stubbornness have a place?- beyondblue

finally, the stress on a single income family is huge now. As a suggestion, relocating to a more affordable area ( I'm biased towards country living) could release some burden.

Relationships Australia might be a good organisation to contact. Try setting boundaries on both sides if what to say and not what to say. Also google...Topic: talking to men, some tips- beyondblue

It might help but isn't meant to claim you are at fault. Good luck.

Tony WK

Zeal
Community Member

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear you're in this tricky situation. Being constantly put down and criticised would be frustrating and upsetting. It's great that you focus on your kids and ensure they are looked after. Being tolerant of your husband when he is moody and unfriendly sounds as though it is wearing thin and becoming increasingly difficult. Your last line 'I don't feel like being with him' indicates that either something needs to change within the relationship, or you and your husband may need to be apart. It's difficult, as your children are young and you do not currently work. It does sound as though you are capable and willing to initiate your own work though, which is great.

If you decide you want to seek help to strengthen your marriage, seeing a counsellor together is a good idea. Having the cooperation of your husband to attend that first appointment is crucial, and likely achievable.
If you don't mind me asking, are your antidepressants prescribed for a depressive illness? I ask this because antidepressants can be used to treat other conditions too. It's important that you look after your own mental health. Seeing your doctor regularly is a good idea.

If you feel that your husband's criticisms and verbal insults are emotional/verbal abuse, remaining under the same roof with him will be detrimental to your wellbeing. If you don't mind me asking, how does your husband interact with the kids? Have you noticed anything of concern? There is a great Beyondblue website with information on family wellbeing. Here's the link: https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/

Do you have friends here you can spend time with? Having supportive relationships is important.

Hopefully others who have personal experiences you can relate to will reply too 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

mgd2016
Community Member

Thanks for your help.

My medication is aimed at lowering the effects of my pms, I don't suffer from depression even though I can have mild anxiety depending on how stressful things get. I am on a very minimum dose of antidepressents, just to take the edge off, as my doctor says, and I feel like it does help. I get irritable during my pms.

My husband's relationship with the kids is good but I feel like I have to shield my boy from him more and more often as he is turning his negative comments towards him. He resents anyone who won't give him attention exactly when and the way he needs it, and my boy can get distracted with other things. I feel sad because I see my boy worries about getting dad's approval sometimes, when he doesn't want something he even tells dad 'I don't want to upset you dad' e that infuriates me because a 6 year old boy should not be so concerned about upsetting his dad's feelings. He is not physically or verbally abusive, it's more the constant criticism towards me and my oldest son.

As for working only when he's not home, it should be simple but sometimes I get overwhelmed with orders (I have a homecraft business) and I have to do certain things, I don't know why I should comply with his demands and then make my life difficult with dozens of orders and two kids to care for the day after because he gets touchy about me being busy with work. He's also on an unusual schedule, sometimes he's home for 2 days in a row and if I have orders to prepare those 2 days it will be hell because he is always walking around looking grumpy and doing all he can with sarcastic remarks to let me know he's not happy I'm working! Am I being the unreasonable one?

Thank you, we are looking into downsizing the house as there's a lot to do and he can't quite relax when he's home as there's too much to do. I have suggested that and even told him we need to get the house valued to see what can be done, that was 6 months ago, he still didn't decide what he wants to do.

Bigsky
Community Member
Hi! I can relate to having to endure the mood swings, as my husband suffers from those. While they must be terrible for him, they are awful for me too, and make it very difficult to properly care for our two very small children. He goes from being a kind, funny and giving person to being dark and angry and hyper sensitive, like anything I say can be turned around to make him angry. We now name this as depression, and he finally is seeking help, which is a relief. Things have generally improved even though it still happens regularly. It is somewhat helpful to me to understand it from his perspective, that he behaves like that due to a total, overwhelming sense of feeling worthless. Do you think your husband is experiencing something similar? All the best.

mgd2016
Community Member

Hi Bigsky. He sometimes asks me if I still love him, maybe that's a sign of feeling worthless? I try, believe me! Yesterday he came home super tired, I offered him a massage and listened, and I really try to listen and be compassionate and supportive, then something silly happened, he was putting dinner on the table and I went to the bathroom to get some floss as I had something stuck in my teeth, my little girl grabbed hold of a pack of tortillas and they fell on the floor and he reacted a bit loudly, my daughter started crying and I soothed her saying 'it's ok, it's not your fault' whilst cuddling her and then he says 'No, it's your mum's fault for not being here!'. I know I'm supposed to think 'hey, that's his depression speaking, not him - even though he won't do a thing to get better' but I am past the point of being understanding, no all I am is angry because I've had all I can take. I will talk to him and tell him he has to look for help and get medication, things have to change, they can't stay as they are.

Sorry about the rant about the last episode, it's just to show you a normal day in my life, that kind of caustic comment happens many times during the day, depending on his mood, sometimes it's ok for me to do something and sometimes he goes off the handles, I'm always walking on eggshells.

Hope things start looking up for you Bigsky, at least your husband now acknowledges he has a problem, that's an excellent place to start.

mgd2016
Community Member
Hallelujah!!! We talked last night and he agreed to see a Doctor and tell the Doctor how he's behaving and that he isn't coping with current stresses. I'm relieved. I do love him, he's my one and I don't want to lose him to depression, or anger issues. Hoping for things to improve. Thank you all.

Zeal
Community Member

Hi mgd,

I am so pleased for you that your husband has agreed to see a doctor! Good on you for talking it through with him and helping him reach this decision. It's beautiful that you love and care for your husband so deeply, and that you are willing to be by his side through his battle with depression.

Best wishes,

Zeal

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Good result. Its a first step of progress.

We are here if you need help

Tony WK