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My husband has not spoken to me in 4 days and it's killing me
On Saturday morning my husband bs I had an argument. I was getting ready to have lunch for my birthday with my girlfriends and he stopped as I hopped out of shower wanting to be intamate. I said I couldn't because I was running late and he persisted to try to pursued me. I was angry he didn't listen to me and I said "stop putting your needs first" this trigger him to say that this is happening far too often (it's happened once before) and I should be putting him first not my friends. He said that if this keeps happening he is going to find get a girlfriend, someone who want to have sex with him. This really hurt me and I yell at him and shut myself in the bathroom sobbing. He followed me in and swore at me. I didn't go to lunch I was too upset and he went out for the day. He came home and got really dressed up and went out, he didn't come home until 1am.
things have been a little tough in the last three months - we just had a baby and I'm struggling with his expectations of me keeping the house clean and caring for our child. We have fought a lot over silly things like me leaving glasses outside or not picking things up in a timely manner. It's making me start to hate maternity leave and want to go back to work. Except that I love my baby so much and she makes me happy when I'm with her.
I don't know how to talk to my husband he keeps swearing at me when I say we need to talk about this. I am so sad and lonely and it's only been 4 days
any advice is appreciated
Welcome to the forum!
I am really sorry to hear about your situation with your husband. You are not at fault in the slightest, and you are doing the best you can to manage the needs of your baby, your husband, and also taking care of household duties. Your husband needs to seek help, as he is clearly frustrated and angry, and needs to sort this out before it damages your marriage. The unprovoked anger and hurtful words must really be getting to you. Going with your husband to a counsellor or psychologist is a good option. Making an appointment with a doctor (GP) first, and being referred to a professional, is an option.
Telling your husband that you would like for both of you to work on improving your marriage together is a good way to approach this. Even though your husband ultimately needs the psychological help, and you are trying to cope with his anger, it's important not to say it this way. If you do, he will most likely become defensive and even angrier, and refuse to seek help altogether. After an appointment together, the counsellor may decide to have some appointments one-on-one with your husband.
As you've both recently had a baby daughter, this is clearly a time of change and even disruption. Men can experience postnatal depression/anxiety, though it is less common than in women.
If at any time you need to talk to someone, you can call Beyondblue's 24/7 helpline on 1300 22 4636.
I hope your situation improves after seeking help 🙂
Hey there. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. First up, I'm really happy to hear that you appear to have a good bond with your baby girl. I'm assuming she's around 3 months old?
I'm a guy, however I distinctly remember not knowing if I was Arthur or Martha at the 3 month mark. I was terribly sleep deprived - & sex was pretty distant from my mind. That's why I'd like to ask, considering you have a young baby - tell us more about your husband. Does he work? How much does he work? How were things before you had your girl?
The fact that childbirth was likely fairly recent aside - pouting & threats from your husband is hardly going to make you feel like having sex with him. I appreciate there are many factors involved, that men are less than tactical when it comes to sex, sex may have been infrequent + men get a little tense not having sex - there are ways to go about addressing the issue
You need your friends. You need your husband's support & understanding. First you have to look after yourself & your baby girl. Your husband is important too. Hopefully his threats are just that, but that's not cool. I'd be checking in with my GP as Zeal suggests & suss out a counsellor just to bounce your issues off. Whether or not your husband needs similar is the tricky bit. He is stuck in a zone of "what about me?". You're focused on your baby & fair enough. If there was a way to include him in your daughter's care that would be great. Who was going to look after your daughter while you were out to lunch with friends? If it was family then perhaps they can do similar so you can spend one on one time with your husband to let him know that your relationship with him is important. It's a tricky situation because the longer things go on like this the harder it will be to resolve it. I'd never want "duty sex" but I at least understand that recent childbirth is a reason to suck it up & focus on family for a while. I'm not sure where the resources are but I do remember there being info provided to father's about managing the desire for sex during this period
I'm sorry I'm not much help. I just feel for you because life is hard & i some cases the person you married just can't understand how you feel or realise what you need. Without knowing a lot more about your history with your husband, I would say that he needs to understand that he can't whinge and act like a child when he doesn't get sex. He needs to move on & address the "why" - which is probably many things
Hi Zeal thanks for taking the time to write a response. It means a lot right now.
My husband is a tradesman and he works for himself. i also do all his invoicing and business admin which has been hard to juggle at the moment but I manage ok. Some days though I make silly mistakes because I'm mentally exhausted which does anger him.
Before we had the baby he got a bit snappy and I thought it might have been because everything's was changing and the uncertainty was a bit daunting for him. Once she was born, he was great supportive attentive and everything was peachy but lately it's been really tough.
I was taking our baby with us to dinner but we have been out alone since her birth. My mum has minded her so we could have a fancy dinner togeather alone which I organised. She also goes to bed at 7pm every night so I have plenty of time for him after that it's just that he's always tired or watching tv.
Before the baby was born when I suspected he was fretting out the changes to our lives etc. I asked to go to see a counciler beacaue we were fighting so much. Sadly his response was that 'you are the problem not me' and refused to attend.
i made him dinner tonight and he didn't even look up from the TV. He ate it and left his plate where I put it and went to bed.(in the spare room where he's been all week)
anyways that's probabaly not relevant I'm just ranting now..
i have never felt so anxious in my life...I feel fine when I get out with the baby but as soon as I'm in my own home I feel horrible.. home should not be a place of dread 😞
Sorry my response above should have also been addressed to you Apolo Black.
Again, thanks for taking the time to respond.
i should note that my husbands not sleep deprived. He sleeps in the spare room with earplugs in. He's not attending to our baby during the night, we agreed on this prior to her birth.
I feel for you I really do. I just can't give you a solution although I wish I could.
You're anxious as hell because your security is being threatened. I'm wondering if he's worried about finances on top of his physical needs.
I think what he has to realize in this day and age is that you need support to function at an optimal level. Unless he's working from 7am to 7pm:
a) he considers hiring someone to do his admin
b) he busts down his work to pitch at home and you go back part time
c) get a cleaner or he helps too
d) he helps with some night time time care
i dunno, without knowing your entire history including what your fights are abou Then it's hard. If he's telling you that you're the problem it's harder.
If he won't see a counsellor with you then try and go by yourself. And as hard as it may sound I would have left his dinner plate were it was
Thanks, I don't expect anyone to solve the problem but an outside perspective is helpful, understanding that this is only my side too.
The thought did cross my mind regarding worrying about money. I'll keep that in mind.
Perhaps a cleaner for the time being could reduce the stress on me and meet some of his needs to have a perfectly orderly house.
Maybe he will talk to me tomorrow.. I can only hope he has calmed down and is ready to discuss this.
congratulations on your little one. You have a beautiful journey ahead.
ive read through your thread and I feel for you. Pregnancy and childbirth can have a big affect on us physically and mentally. It's only been 3 months, do you feel you are ready for intimacy yet? Does your husband expect a clean and orderly house all the time? Where did he go when he was out till 1am, all dressed up?
you mentioned that you do the admin for his business so I'm not sure why he'd be worried about money, you haven't left a job to stay home and he's still working. I know you'll have more expenses but we all do when we have kids.
he sounds like he's being a spoilt brat, leaving his dirty plate, sleeping in another room, swearing at you when he doesn't get his way. Has he once considered how you feel physically and mentally after pregnancy and childbirth?
Having said this, it is possible he may be feeling a little jealous that your attention is divided now. Sometimes husbands can feel neglected when a mum focuses all her attention on a baby, it is a juggling act for you but he needs to understand that a baby is dependant on its mum for everything.
what was he like before bulbs came along? Did he have a temper and high expectations?
i hope things improve and I look forward to hearing back from you.
For him to sleep in another room, that's what he has decided to do, because life as a married couple changes, it has to change for obvious reasons and if he is a sensible chap life will now change to be around your child.
You are going to be tired, exhausted and the thought of having sex repulses you, and if his threat of going out to find someone to have sex with isn't being responsible at all.
He has a wife who has given birth to a child, a little girl, that's what he should be excited about rather demanding sex from you, because it wouldn't be enjoyable for you if he wants it but you don't. Geoff. x
Thanks for replying to mug thread. I wouldn't say my wants or needs are were they used to be but we have been intamate a few times since the birth.
Yes my husband does expect this all the time but I guess I thought he would be a bit more understanding of the time it takes to care for a baby.
i don't know where he went and he's still not talking to me so it's hard to find out.
I have actually left a full time job to stay at home , his administration was always done in the evenings when I got home from work.
Perhaps he doesn't understand how I feel.. he wasn't to interested in reading the information from the hospital we both got.
Yes he always had high expectations but the temper I'm not sure. If I think back I could probably find a few situations that make me think yes.