My husband has left... PLEASE HELP

Loving_Wife · ‎14-07-2015

Hi everyone,

This is all so new to me and reading through the forum has been so helpful, but I am searching for some advice.

My husband I and I got married 10 months ago, and we have been together for 7 years. Our relationship has been nothing short of amazing, we never argue, and have the best time together. He turned 30 in March, and towards the end of April I noticed he had become quiet and withdrawn, he wasn't interested in hobbies anymore, more tired than usual and not as motivated. I sat down and asked him if everything was ok, and he could not open up (I let it go for a few days to see how things progressed and no change). I reached out to his Mum as I was so worried and she spoke with him about depression as he had gone through it as a teenager, yet again he didn't want to acknowledge or look into it. His only answers were that he wanted to spend more time with me, to which I changed my work roster to make it happen so we could have quality time together.

Over the following 4 weeks, no real change. He became more quiet and withdrawn, and when returning from a week away he messages me to ask if I think we are working. I was totally shocked and things quickly escalated to him saying it was over within one conversation. I asked him to go to his parents for some space to which he stayed 10 nights before suddenly coming home - and saying he missed me. So I let him relax back in thinking he may have needed time out - he was quite affectionate with cuddles and kisses. 10 days later I wanted to sit down and talk about things, and planning our future he was totally on board, yet when I discussed his health and my concerns he cried and wanted hugs, but wouldn't talk.

The following 2 days he wouldn't talk to me, and then day 3 he was incredibly irritable, only to then take off his wedding ring and say we are over because he doesn't think he loves me anymore and the relationship was flat and not going anywhere. Nothing I said was helpful, and he says he would know if he had depression (as the way he feels is nothing like he experienced as a teenager).

I am devestated - it's been 2.5 weeks since he left and he has made no attempt to contact me. I've visited him once to talk and still he is so closed off. I have tried everything, family have spoken and he refuses all ideas and help. I do not want to lose my amazing husband and I know this isn't him..... Is there anything else I can do?

white knight · ‎15-07-2015

Hi Loving wife, welcome to Beyond Blue

Firstly I dont want you to take this first comment of mine as if I'm psychic. But you account of this situation, with little words from him and strange unpredictable behaviour is as if he is seeing another woman.

Lets assume he isn't. We very often tell people here "you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink" and the saying is so apt. At the end of the day he is in control of his perhaps out of control emotions as to what he wants. Not wanting you however does not mean you are at fault in any way. He hasn't even claimed you are deficient in any way.

Can you get time off work? If so I'd go on a holiday. Such a holiday would be more for focussing on other things like tourist sites. It would be a soul searching holiday. Ask strangers about their lives, if you find a eager ear then ask for advice. And when you return make a few personal decisions. Like your future, what you want yourself in life (like security of a partner that is sure he wants you forever) and don't compare your husband with anyone else. Men are all different.

I told my then future mother in law that I "know what I want and I know who I want". We've been married 4 years. We've known each other 28 years (which helps)

This is a time of self preservation and release of tears....a grieving process if you will. It's tough but better to happen now than 10 years from now.

Any love he has for you should be, in my opinion, a greater force than the effort needed to go to a doctor to seek help. For a spouse to see his partner suffer and he'd rather not entertain the possibility of depression returning or the like isn't real love to me.

After all, you were suppose to be his top priority, his number one.

As one that has had long term relationships I urge you to accept that time heels and love will replace love. Over time you will recover and life will be wonderful again. You, the little bird, will spread your wings ...and leave the sorrow behind.

Tony WK

BBUser72 · ‎15-07-2015

Hi Loving_Wife,

I came on this site to ask my own question about depression/relationships and couldn't help but read your story. Firstly I would like to say what an amazing woman you are to do all that for your husband when your getting no information, feedback or anything in return. You jumped at the opportunity to help him immediately when he was down, you approached his family for help which I think is so admirable of you. Other people would hide or be embarrassed about such issues but I really respect that you tried to tackle the issue front on, take the bull by the horns so to speak. You sound like as a wife, your doing your job perfectly.

It sounds like your husband is not meeting you half way and I agree with white knight that its not right that he is making you hurt. Running away for 10 days is cruel, leaving you all alone confused and worried.

I had a friend once who was in exactly the same position as you. His wife became distant and said she wasn't sure if she loved him anymore. He said to her to take some time and have a think about what she wanted. She could never give him a straight answer. After about 3 months of self healing and trying to get on with his life, he asked her if she still loved him. She couldn't answer so he decided to get a divorce. She tried to get him back after that but he said she had 3 months to sort herself out and he wanted to move on. Now he is getting married to a new woman who absolutely adores him.

I'm not saying you will go through the same thing but you might be able to learn from his experience and use it to help your own circumstance.

It's not right for anyone to tell you to leave him because only you can decide that however at the end of the day, your happiness and well-being is important to everyone here.

I hope I was of some kind of help to you.

Stay strong, you deserve happiness.

🙂

geoff · ‎15-07-2015

dear Loving Wife, thanks for coming to the site, and how deeply sorry I am that this illness may appear as though any marriage or relationship could end, but don't accept this at all.You seem to be a lovely caring wife who married the person who has loved your partner, then husband for a number of years, and it is so terribly sad that this disease/illness can do so much damage.Why does someone get depression, well sometimes it's known but the majority of times we don't have a clue, and then because of this only makes us feel worse.For some peculiar reason with depression it's hard to believe that someone can love you like the world and then suddenly seem to change our mind and want to separate, of course it's devastating, hurtful and just out of the blue.Many times people say that they want to leave or perhaps the other way around, that's how they feel, but actually they don't really want this as can be demonstrated by what your husband has done, so I will explain.He went and stayed with his parents for 10 nights, but he couldn't be without you so he came home, irrespective of how he felt, because he needed his security blanket, but even so by doing this it still won't improve his mood, and please remember it's non of your fault, as you said that the both of you never argued and loved being together.This doesn't however explain why he has gone for 2.5 weeks, and maybe what I have said doesn't said to have any basis, but I don't it to be untrue, why, because this is what happened with me and I finally returned home, which I believe will also happen for you.I did refuse to get any counselling let alone seeing my doctor for a long time, and it only changed when something awful happened, which made me realise that I did need to see my doctor.I was obstinate, but now I suggest that you go and see your doctor, because you feel totally upset, devastated, but more so disappointed, so the immediate future is going to be so hard on, only wanting your husband to return and seek help, and in the meantime you need support yourself, either from friends, family but more so from your doctor. L Geoff. x

Loving_Wife · ‎15-07-2015

Thank you so much for your feedback, I truly appreciate it!

The last 10 weeks have been a nightmare, constantly feeling sick with worry, trying to stay positive, being there for him and second guessing absolutely everything!

When I first thought depression may be in play and I reached out to his family they said they had thought the same thing after a family dinner a few nights before and we're waiting to see if I would notice or say anything. This is where I feel it's not just the fact of his feelings changing, but possibly due to what he is going through, maybe he doesn't know how he feels about anything? He has pushed away all his friends, has no interests anymore and now cut himself off from everyone but his parents.

When I finally spoke with him a few nights ago at his parents his reasons for 'thinking he doesn't love me' are because it took me a while to change my surname after we married, because I hadn't made regular deposits into our house deposit account (which he hadn't been either) and because he wants more intimacy. I understand how these things impact a relationship but they are all areas which can be fixed in a heartbeat - and I am flawed he never spoke about it once!

His parents have been a great support for me, and even whilst being at their house they said he is not his happy self, he goes to bed by 8.30pm each night, not chatty and just one flat level of emotion. He waits until I am at work to come around to the house to get something he needs and he always reads my gratitude journal and notebook - does he actually care what I feel or am I looking into this too much?

I understand there is nothing anyone can do to force him to get help which is what breaks my heart, as it feels like one day he went from being this amazing husband to someone I don't even know. All of my dreams are with him, and i cannot see myself getting past this while he hasn't gotten help. I just hope now that I am moving out (as it was his home first) that he will realise how great our life was together and he might seek professional help from a dr. Perhaps he resents me as I have been the one worrying and talking about his health the most.

The hardest part is seeing him this way and feeling this constant rejection - thinking that everything I want in my future is being ripped away with none of my control and that he is making a huge decision just like that without any guidance or knowing why.

geoff · ‎15-07-2015

dear Loving Wife, thank you so much for getting back to us, this maybe as hard as it is to post your first comment.

People with depression normally seem to not have any contact with their friends, as they believe that they wouldn't understand, and most times they are right.

Intimacy in a marriage or relationship has always been a huge problem in any circumstances, but it's where this has to talked about by themselves, that is if they able to do so without an argument, and if by any chance this doesn't happen, then nothing will be achieved, so resentment happens.

We can not force anybody to seek help, because they will again resent this and it won't happen, nor will it happen if you keep asking them question after question, because they inwardly get annoyed and then won't seek help, so it is like walking a tightrope.

The feeling of being rejected from someone you truly love, well I'm not sure that there is anything worse than this, as I remember when I was sent divorce papers from my one and only girlfriend who we were married for 25 years, it is heartbreaking, just as it is for how you feel now.

The wait and see is of no consequence at all, because you heart lies deep in agony, and I truly understand how sorry I am for you . L Geoff. x

geoff · ‎15-07-2015

dear Loving Wife, thank you so much for getting back to us, this maybe as hard as it is to post your first comment.People with depression normally seem to not have any contact with their friends, as they believe that they wouldn't understand, and most times they are right.Intimacy in a marriage or relationship has always been a huge problem in any circumstances, but it's where this has to talked about by themselves, that is if they able to do so without an argument, and if by any chance this doesn't happen, then nothing will be achieved, so resentment happens.We can not force anybody to seek help, because they will again resent this and it won't happen, nor will it happen if you keep asking them question after question, because they inwardly get annoyed and then won't seek help, so it is like walking a tightrope.The feeling of being rejected from someone you truly love, well I'm not sure that there is anything worse than this, as I remember when I was sent divorce papers from my one and only girlfriend who we were married for 25 years, it is heartbreaking, just as it is for how you feel now.The wait and see is of no consequence at all, because you heart lies deep in agony, and I truly understand how sorry I am for you . L Geoff. x

zani · ‎06-12-2020

being rejected by the person you love & who you thought loved you is the worst.My husband of 40 years sent me a text message 3 weeks ago to say HE ENDED the marriage & I would never see him or hear from him ever again.

I tracked him down & he was so angry as he had gone to great lengths to disappear from me.Changing jobs,getting new car number plates etc.

How dare he get angry when I feel like I have been buried alive & yes it is the worst feeling.Can't eat,think,sleep or function.This is the cruelest thing a person could do to just discard me & cut me off.I spent 2/3 of my life with him

I feel for you hope you may have healed,I do not think I ever will

zani · ‎06-12-2020

I am going through this right now with my husband of 40 years.He just never came home 3 weeks ago & all I got was a text message to say he was ending the marriage as he was not happy.

I feel as if I just wasted 2/3 of my life.I am so numb & in shock I cannot function.

Asking him to come back whilst in this state of mind will only lead to more heartbreak.

It is so very hard to be discarded by the person who you loved & trusted.

I too had a fantastic husband who has been replaced by an uncaring cruel angry man.

His brothers have helped him orchestrate this whole disgusting breakup as they have never liked me,great to hear.

I wish you well but please look to the future

I just feel in total disbelief & too add more injury 2 daughters & grandaughter are no support as they blame me!! I have no family or human support here. My friends live interstate ,but at least they check in on me every night. I appreciate their calls, but I need a real person as I am so very lonely