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My husband has just come out as Bisexual
I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 4 years and we have 1 child together. He has just told me that he thinks he is bisexual. My reaction was not the most supportive which I'm ashamed about. He tells me that he has no intention of leaving me and loves me. He has never been with a man. I do not want an open marriage. I have told him we should separate until he figures out what he wants. He does not want this. I am so confused...I know he would want to do right by our family but I don't want someone that stays with me out of obligation and is inherently unhappy with themselves or decides in 5 years time that he doesn't want to be with me. I have also read a lot of forums that sometimes bisexuality can be a stepping stone to gay (although I know this is not always the case). Obviously a lot of questions that I need to discuss with my husband but I have no one I can talk to and was hoping to get some support from others going through this (bisexual men or wives of bisexual men).
Thank you for sharing with us on the forums. I imagine that for anyone this can be quite a shock, especially 8 years into a relationship.
I'm not a wife of a bisexual man but I hope that I can give some kind of perspective regardless..
This is how I've come to understand sexuality (it's completely okay if you don't agree).. as a straight woman, you have the ability to be attracted to men, and I'm sure you've been attracted to multiple/dated a few throughout your life - that's a pretty normal experience. In a committed relationship, you still have the ability to be attracted to other men, but that doesn't in any way mean it's a guarantee that you're going to leave your husband for another man.. that goes beyond sexuality, that's a moral issue.
I think your husband's realisation of his sexuality is a completely normal, healthy experience. When you imagine your husband before he told you this, you knew that there's always a possibility of him leaving you for another woman, but clearly he loves you and is committed to you and wouldn't do this. I think a good way to think of it is he was capable of cheating with other women before (everyone is), but the only difference now is that he is able to be attracted to men.
I can completely understand where you're coming from.. if my partner had told me this suddenly, I would also be thinking that I wouldn't want to hold him back, and I would also fear that one day he would decide he would want to be with a man. But if he didn't want to be with another woman over you, why would he want to be with another man over you?
If he says he doesn't want to seperate, this means he still loves you and wants to be committed to you right? I think all that you can do in this situation is let him know that if he wants to be with another man, he is obligated to tell you and be up front with you. But I can understand your hesitancy to believe him.
Everything you're feeling about this situation is completely valid and understandable, this is a very complex situation.
I hope you and your husband can communicate freely and openly, and that you're able to understand both of your point of views, and I hope you can come to a place where you trust that he's loyal to you the child you both have. I hope I've helped in some way.
Take care, I'd love to hear from you.
Hi unknown1, welcome
I completely agree with Isabella's kind and thoughtful post.
I believe any knee jerk reaction might not be a good idea at this early stage. Thankfully he has been upfront and honest on the topic and his feelings for other men however there is a good chance he might not ever initiate any move in that direction. A passing fad as it were.
Nevertheless you have a big say in your own future and choices. You have two options- remain together and ask him to inform you if his feelings for men is that great that he wants to take it a step further and meet someone or separate now and go through the process of rebuilding your life. With either option you have the opportunity to embrace your friendship with him for the sake of your child and I'd recommend that highly.
It is clearly not your fault but with people, h diverse our brain orates, it isnt his either...its all part of life as difficult as it leaves us.
All the best
Thank you for your most honest and open post. Thank you for reaching out to us here. I hope we can make you feel that you are not alone.
Isabella and White Knight have given you some most thoughtful and gentle advice.
I can understand what you are going through because a statement like this might potentially change the life of your family. I understand that this might work like a seed that plants confusion, uncertainty and doubt in your heart.
However, from what you are saying, this might never even happen because of your husband‘s reassurance of love and him saying he had no intention of leaving you or your child.
However confused or hurt you have been feeling, it’d be good to acknowledge the fact of him being completely honest with you. Or so it seems. It appears that he hasn’t cheated on you, nor he is considering such an act (please correct me, if I am wrong), he loves you, wants to be with you, cares for the family you have built over the last eight years.
I am not sure if anyone can give you the answer as to what will or might happen in the future but being sure of your husband’s integrity towards you and your child might help to work things out.
Be kind and gentle to yourself during these days and take care Unknown1.
Thanks Isabella. Your perspective was very helpful.
I was very shocked as I felt that it came out of nowhere but obviously he had been thinking about telling me for a while.
We have talked and alot of what he said mirrors your comment. I believe him when he says he loves me and would never cheat on me.
He doesn't want or feel that he has to tell anyone else but me about his bisexuality, which of course I will support, but I just worry that this stems from being ashamed of who he is and wanting to hide (definitely not trying to tell him how to come out. Completely his journey).
I also worry that he hasn't explored this side to his sexuality/suppressing it for us. He is a wonderful hands on dad and we have a great routine. It's comfortable. We also work in the same profession in the same department. He would never do anything to hurt us. I feel this all heavily impacts on why he is opposed to separation/exploring his sexuality. I just don't want him to regret or resent me for this decision.
Anyway for now I am going to trust what he is saying to me.
Thank you again for your reply.