My husband has developed an Ice (Crystal Meth) and Sex Addiction and left me and our two children to pick up the pieces.
Four days ago I found out that my husband, who I love and adore, has been smoking Ice and meeting strangers for sex for at least the last two months.
We have a one year old and two year old and I have been home on maternity for the past two and a half years during which I thought would be the best time of my life, but it has all gone miserably wrong.
I have been seeing a counselor for the last year to help with depression which I have always struggled with. This was bought on by feelings of isolation as we don't have family in Australia and also because I wanted to stay home full time but struggled to find other mums who were doing the same in my area. My husband has been extremely supportive during this and always puts myself and the children before himself.
Over the past year though, despite him being supportive, he has also been going through a stressful work situation and has become argumentative, emotionally and verbally abusive and unpredictable in regard to his mood.
I have tried and tried to encourage him to seek help but it just kept falling on deaf ears. Now, here I am, devasted as I have found out what he has been up to behind my back.
Today he checked in to a detox facility and insists that he will do anything he can to regain my trust so that he can come back home and be my husband and a father to his beautiful children again. I am just so exhausted after a week of absolute devastation and feel so lost as what to do.
I am seeing a counselor for myself and my husband and I will be embarking on relationship counseling when he is discharged from detox, as well as he will be involved in an outpatient program for drug and alcohol abuse, as well as the sex addiction.
I am in between counseling sessions and my husband is off in detox and I'm am just feeling so much pain right now, I am looking for extra support on this forum and advice and encouragement to help me find the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other during this time.
I have had family fly in from overseas to help me for a couple of weeks, so I am not looking after a baby and toddler full time alone, but that time will come soon and I need to be prepared and put some systems in place to ensure my children aren't affected and their lives continue to be happy and healthy despite the traumatic time their parents are going through.
My heart aches and as someone who already struggles with depression, I am looking for all the support I can possible get right now.
Hi Leighshan welcome
You are in quite a predicament. I am of the belief that trust rarely returns in adultery but the bottom line is that depends on the two people involved.
Some, most drugs especially ice changes people to an extreme behaviour not seen before. So is this the real him? Not at all. But you'd be the better judge. Then you have your two young children to consider.
He has entered detox, has expressed that he wants to build up trust again which is welcomly optimistic. All good signs.
I think its a good time to consider the fact that you dont need to react, you can take your time, you can wait and see what happens and how he'll be after detox.
If its any comfort, that drug places the user way out of their normal mode of thinking. The man that loves you is not present during that wild period. If you think in those terms then its like unintentional adultery, by a demon within.
However an addiction is a risk as returning to it is possible. It would take a lifetime of devotion on your part so he doesnt feel so desperate that he'll run to it.
Its your choice but you attending counseling is great and his effort is unmatched in my experience working in jails and hospitals in security.
Take time. If love remains its the best foundation for saving your relationship.
Good luck. Post again if you have questions.
Thank you so much for your reply Tony. Your words are comforting and you live up to your username of being a white night - I have had a sleepless night and it was comforting to come here and find your reply.
'If love remains that is the best foundation' and taking my time now are soothing words... I will try and hold them with me today as I step forward into the reality of this situation once again.
The adultery of course is a deeper betrayal of the relationship and I do hope that it is stemmed from the drug, but I fear he has dabbled online dating/app usage for quite some time so this is still the unknown and what brings me the most anxiety right now is the fact that I will never know if I know the real truth as he may never tell me. That leads to my deepest fear that our relationship will be unable to recover from this as I will never be able to trust him again. He is a master at paying lip service and I fear that through the counseling process he will lure me into a false sense of security only to find ourselves here in this situation again in the future because he never really owned up to the adultery side of things and never recognized that as a problem for him that he needs to talk about and work on.
How so I make him see this? Or is it the age old predicament that he will see what he wants to see and will only be able to grow as a person if he actually recognises he has a problem.
Yes he is in detox now but only because I have forced his hand to be there... as you say, only time will tell if he actually wants to seek help and give our relationship the chance it deserves.
Hi Leighshan, my goodness, this is a lot to deal with especially with two young children. I have a
I have had quite a lot of support from PANDA in relation to anxiety and depression - it doesn't have to be related to a particular issue in motherhood, but you may find them supportive and another
I'm glad you have family coming to help you. I wanted to say, it is not your job to make your husband see anything, he has to realise how he needs to change himself. I hope that you are able to get the resolution you want, please remember your needs are important too. Hugs
There are a couple of comments that you have made and to me are very important, once omeone begins to take a drug such as ice, then their own mind has disappeared and it takes him to another spectrum where everything is possible, and along with this comes lying and being disceitful, in other words you don't know whether he's telling you the truth or to gain your respect, this respect is false as he won't honestly tell you everything, the less you know the better.
You have forced him into detox, it wasn't what he wanted, so when he comes out you can't be sure what he will do, sometimes the drug has more power than anything else, especially if he hooks up again with the people he was seeing before hand.
My worry is exactly the same as what you say 'he will see what he wants to see' because it's so hard to live with someone who has addictions and in this case he has two, drug and sexual, I'm sorry but you don't know what's happening behind your back, because he has been dishonest unfortunately for you and the children, what ever he says how do you know he's telling you the truth but more importantly can you trust him again. Geoff,
Hi again Leighshan
Gee, Geoff and pvroom ...such good replies.
Why Im posting again is in relation to your self doubt. These are troubling times because you have lots to consider that might not be apparent yet.
If you separated he would be entitled to visitations with his children...alone. Would he take drugs while the children are in his care? Would he leave them to buy drugs?
Just as important is...as whats been mentioned...trust. Everytime he us not in your sights...where is he? Will he lie to me? Will this repeat itself all our lives?
It is utterly crutial that you do not feel guilty on any decision you make. You are entitled to a monogumous relationship. You are entitled to an environment that does not include drugs and sexual activity beyond only you. Accept that and insist on nothing less.
My only reservationwould be how deep your love us for him and his for you. You are an individual can only judge that.
Have you considered a trial separation? That might serve several doubts...you have time to decide if he is genuinely remorseful and if so if that is enough for you to move on together, you'll find see how he is as a father in a visitation arrangement/agreement and you'll observe his tendency towards drug use.
I recall in 1996, having separated from my first wife (2 young kids), staring in the mirror telling myself "I deserve to love and be loved equally," I found that goal.
My only worry is to check out legally his visitation rights while being addicted to drugs.
Talking about "worry" here are a few threads that might help alleviate your hurt. Use google
Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue
Topic: inner peace, the glory of being you- beyondblue
All the best
I would agree that love is the starting point. Love for yourself, for him and your kids.
Then you are right, he will need to be honest with all his issues.
Then a willingness by him to make changes and support from you and others.
Then both will need to accept that trust is something that needs to be earnt and rebuilt.
Remember that many people are not likely to change who they are, so you may be able to gage his likely reaction, but drugs are mind altering though.
But I am an optimist who believes that behaviours can change with these 4 difficult steps. You need to put what is best for you and your kids as paramount.
Thank you pvroom for your words. It really is a lot to deal with and each day is different, I am just thankful for having family here to help for now.
I will look into PANDA, I have heard of it before but never actually looked into it. That is really helpful, thanks again