My husband has depression and is cheating on me with a 24 yr old.

[Melissa_Green]

My husband was diagosed with depression this year. He has been depressed for a while but didnt believe he needed help. We have money relating to medical issues of our sons diagnosis with autism, our other son with one lung that works and our 3rd son having problems croup. We have money issues because i am unable to get a full time job that pays enough to help cover the bills. He has been cheating on me with a 24 yr old because in his words "she doesnt expect anything from me, i have no responsibilities". Every time i catch him cheating he gets off facebook, instagram, snapchat, adult matchmaker websites and tinder. Only for a couple of days then finds his way back on them again. All the messages of his indiscressions. All the things he wants to do with/to her makes me feel worthless, like i mean nothing to him. He believes that he is just having a conversation with her "wanting to stick his tongue inside her" is not just conversation. I know he has depression and depressed people look for a way out but does it have to involve hurting his loved ones, the ones that have been there for him throughout the whole ordeal. He seems to have no answers for his actions and it has been going on for a while now. I have told him that if he cant promise to leave her alone, then he is to get out. His reaction to that is to go to sleep. He avoids the confrontation. Every time he goes to her he always comes back, but there is the constant lying, spending money on/with her. The real sad thing is he comes home and says he loves me, hugs me, holds my hand, looks after the kids sometimes. He has trouble dealing with the kids at the best of times. I send them to mums a lot of the time when im working to give him time, but also to know that they are in a stable enviroment. I thought this was a good idea, but this just opened time up where he has gone to see her, it makes me sick when i try to do the right thing by hime, me and the kids and he throws it all in my face by going and seeing her, sending her sexual messages. Then when i get home he acts as if he has done nothing when i know its not the truth. We have been seeing a relationship councellor ans she said for this to work, the 24yr old has to go. Well she is still there. I love my husband and i want to support him with his depression, but he is pushing me away but at the same time trying to live 2 separate lives. One with me and the kids and the other with the 24yr old. Please help, what do i do????

[geoff]

Hello Mellisa, can I thank you for coming to the site and please let me welcome but a problem we have been seeing with so many different people, but each one has their own characteristics.

It's not reasonable that he feels he can have an affair with someone and then come home and pretend nothing has happened, a marriage doesn't and shouldn't operate like this, I know he is suffering from depression, but being with this 24year old I'm sure he's happy spending money on her, however this money is what you need for your household or for your kids schooling or perhaps entertainment.

When you send your kids to your mum's place, they are protected and looked after, but yes it gives him more time to be with her and that's not what you want.

When men have depression they feel as though they want to have some space, but this doesn't mean he can hook up with a 24 year old simply because his depression will be put on hold and pushed to the background, so virtually nothing will be solved or at least be getting the help he needs.

Perhaps you could tell your husband that he needs to move out of the house for a week or so because what he is doing is not what happens when you get married.

I would still try and continue with your relationship counsellor, that's what my wife and I did when she was living with her mum plus our 2 sons were with her, and I was also having therapy by myself.

I am really sorry for you.

My Best Wishes.

Geoff.

[Melissa_Green]

The problem is that when i leave the kids home with him, he has trouble coping and his depression kicks in and he leaves them alone at night by themselves when im working nights. He has done this on many occasion. Or he drinks copious amounts of beer. (3/4 carton in a couple of hours). Dcp have said to make sure kids are safe so giving them a stable enviromment with mum is a good way to go. I am lost as to what to do.

Im damned if i do, damned if i dont. I seem to be in a lose lose situation.

If i give him time to himself he uses it to escape not live in the now. He finds it easier. Inturn he makes it harder for me.

I want to find my husband/my partner. I know he is in there somewhere. I just dont know how to reach him. He has been advised to move out, but he stays and just continues the cycle.

what do i do????

[GoodWitch]

Hi Melissa

im concerned about you and the children now you've said how much your husband drinks while he's in charge of the children. 3/4 carton is not an acceptable amount in that case. And you say he sometimes leaves them alone at night, that's also unacceptable. He is not being a good parent and no matter what you feel about him or your relationship, your kids have to be the priority right now I think.

If he won't move out, is there any way you can? Is there room for you with your mother if you can't afford your own place? Can you talk to Centrelink and find out how much you'd get in parenting payments if you left him?

only you can make the decision whether staying in this relationship is right for you, but it seems to be eroding your self worth the way he is flaunting his affair and not even showing remorse. He doesn't seem to want to change right now, and if that is true you might need to seriously start looking at your options. You have to look after yourself and your kids, he will need to work on his depression and behaviour. That is his responsibility.

[geoff]

Hi Melissa, thanks for replying and I understand why the kids go to your mum's place and it's your best option, especially when he has been drinking so much alcohol.
The money you need for your 3 sons is being spent elsewhere, so if an emergency happens then you might not be able to pay for any medication or other medical services.

He doesn't respect you or his family I'm sorry to say nor does he believe he needs counselling, so it's difficult.

I know you want to get him back because you love him but he has to give some indication if he won't move an inch then you have to reconsider your situation.

The trust has been broken by him unfortunately and it's up to him to repair it.

What you need to do look after yourself as well as the children, so can I suggest you see your doctor who may also recommend Reachout, Headspace or the Kids Line to talk with your kids.

Try and get your own strength back because coping with this situation isn't easy, I am so sorry for you.

My best wishes.

Geoff.

[Jezza251]

Hi melissa

I'm in a similar situation to your husband. My GP has diagonesed me as having ptsd, I've lied and cheated on my wife and have started the long road to hopefully fix our marriage. I'm wondering if he has been diagnosed with depression, has he started medication? I've found that being on anti-depressents has really helped me.