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My husband cheated with a prostitute
I'm married 13 years. . My husband whom I love very much went away on a boys trip got drunk and went to a brothel. He hasn't admitted to it but his search history said he searched for brothels on the night he got completely drunk with his mates. Hos maps app says he asked for directions to get there. His mates ... They are all married. He has lied to me before and I believe in my heart that this isn't the first time. I'm lost destroyed heartbroken depressed and suffer bad anxiety. I'm so scared and find it hard to get out of bed. I have 3 young children and look at them And tell myself you have to pick yourself up and get up and look after your family and then I get hot and cold shivers and become sick ... I eat and throw up. I love my husband and believe Im a great wife I look after the house cook clean and run after the kids homework activities etc. I also work. I'm so destroyed when I'm near him I feel secure and when I'm away from him I get angry and emotional. I have thoughts of leaving him and I cant see myself alone without him raising our kids. I don't want to be without him and I'm struggling to find reasons to be with him. It's a nightmare. I say to myself put it behind you and move forward and it works for a day then I'm back to being helpless. I'm overwhelmed with responsibilities at the moment.
Im just so lost and have no one to speak with.
Dear Blue ocean~
Welcome here, and I'm very sorry you are in this situation. You are sounding at the end of your tether and something really needs to be done right now.
May I ask if you have talked with your husband abut this? Without knowing that -and his reaction -it is hard to say that much.
You do love him so I guess in an ideal world the matter could be patched up - do you think that is possible or has it gone too far? It sounds as if his current mates are not a good influence.
Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) is a good first stop. They are very used to these sorts of situations, can advise alternatives and maybe get the pair of you to counseling if you think that appropriate
On a practical note I'd suggest you visit oyur GP in relation to STDs.
I look forward to your coming back and saying more
My husband of ten years also did the same thing only a couple of weeks ago. I am crushed and so disappointed I feel sick.
I am considering leaving him and just can’t seem to decide what to do.
He was drunk at the time but I don’t think this is excusable.
Hi Ocean blue, a very warm welcome to you
I so deeply feel for you in regard to the struggles you're facing both personally and in your relationship.
I believe when it comes to what goes on 'below the belt', for both man and woman, matters can be incredibly complicated. When we're single, that aspect of our life may be fairly straight forward yet when we're in a relationship where the initial agreement/vows state commitment and fidelity the whole game changes.
Satisfaction/stimulation can involve the mental, physical or even spiritual aspects of self
- Just the thought of satisfaction/stimulation can be enough to get the chemistry moving
- Physically...well...what can I say
- The spiritual aspect will typically take place when it comes to sharing satisfaction/stimulation with someone we deeply care about. I believe it's a time where we can consciously share in an opportunity to help connect each other to a highly energetic sense of self and life (aka spirit)
So, I believe when someone has cheated, there are 2 questions worth considering
- What was their objective? In other words, what kind of connection were they looking for (mental, physical or spiritual or all 3 combined)? Having the answer can aid us toward making the most constructive decision for our self
- How does the person who was cheated on wish to re-identify them self? This one may sound a little strange but I'll try and make some sense of it
- I am someone who will not stand for infidelity (ending the relationship)
- I am someone who is going to be moving forward through giving release from the destructive emotions which currently challenge me. Sometimes personal counseling or marriage counseling can be helpful in this area
- I am someone who is going to be constructive within the relationship, through giving responsibility to my partner, when it comes to repairing the trust which has been lost
You can see how re-identifying yourself plays a huge part in what path you decide to take.
With challenging thoughts, there can be a lot of energy in motion (aka e-motion). You might agree that constructively channeling your energy into deciding who you're going be will possibly be the greatest challenge of all.
Take care of yourself Blue ocean as you face a time of change
Hello Daisy, thank you for posting your comment and very sorry to hear of what has happened, and being drunk is no excuse because you can't be sure it hasn't happened before, but you must feel so much pain from this it's so difficult to put into words.
There will be other issues such as your husband wanting to tell you the truth and on any other previous occasions and whether you can trust him.
I can't tell you what to do but you have to be at peace not by making the decision but in the decision you have made, that's what strength you will need to cope with in this situation.
It would be great to hear back from you, whenever you can.
Dear Blue Ocean,
It past 3 month since you have post, hope everything going well, it is hard time for you and I imagine you must still hard for you only "why?" Comes on the head.hoping you find tge way you cope.
It happened to me I could not believe I found it a month ago still I can not cope that why, I ended up finding your post and I felt I need to say sorry to you, I feel exactly same as you.but you have young children, who are demanding you. It must be hard for you.
only why? Comes on my head when? With who? I do not know this man, who I married nearly 20 years, he was he is good father for our kids, who was always sweet to me , just Why? When ? With who? What did you do? Comes on my head, so betrayed , so unfaithful he was cheated me last 4 years, too many numbers which I really can not believe, still he says he loves me, why he done that?
I want to believe, he still love me and your husband loves you but man can have sex with no love, that what my friend told me, I am hoping you are doing well with your husband,
I am trying to forget what he done but not forgive, if he done again, I am nearly 50 but leaving him.
Hope it help, sorry I ended up telling my story must hoping you are doing well.
Dear Blue Ocean,
First off, I'm so deeply sorry to hear this has happened to you, but I can say the exact same thing happened to me. My husband cheated on me with a prostitute. The day I found out, it honestly felt like the world stopped spinning on its axis and I was reliving a nightmare or dream. The shock, disappointment, bewilderment, broken trust, left my heart actually physically aching inside.
Like you, I too dedicated my life to my husband, working out of the home, even when raising children from a young age, and let me tell you, I always have done 90% of the household chores, while being a wife, mother, studying and working, always intimate with my husband I mean 'ALWAYS' I never denied him sex, because I too loved being intimate with him and loved him. I think, I stupidly thought in my head 'I'm a good wife/mother', nothing like cheating will ever happen to me... fast forward 28 years later I was so WRONG!!… My world broke that day, and I can never know if that incident was the first time it ever happened, I now choose not to let it disrupt my head. I was making myself sick and filled with severe anxiety, worried about if it will ever happen again... As you may now know, after 1 full year of fortnightly counselling, I chose to stay, on the premise that if it were to EVER happen again, I would be straight out the door, with my head held high, and not looking back. I know he now knows that while I have given him a chance, if I were to ever get sniff about him doing anything like that again, and I mean the boundaries are set in concrete!
I'm sorry to delve on about my situation, and I can't tell you what's right for you to do in yours, only YOU will know in your heart what is right for you and your family. I can tell you though, that the most dearest thing you can do, is put yourself first for once! be kind to yourself, look after YOUR needs, and show your husband that you are STRONG.. that you can live and depend on your own, if the situation where to arise.
I have found, working part-time, studying something I enjoy and focusing on myself and my kids and spending time with close and trusted friends have helped amp my self-esteem.
Always remember he is the only one accountable for his actions. You can never blame yourself.
I hope whatever is meant to be will work out for you.
be kind to yourself x