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My husband came from a good place but i just can't get passed what he did
Hello Debs 67, welcome here. It sounds like a very tough weekend for you, and not much fun either, I'm sure you were looking forward to a relaxing time camping.
Communication is the heart of any good relationship, and it sounds to me like you don't feel you are being heard when you talk to your husband. He says he wants to listen, but you end up feeling interrogated.
If you notice someone you love is upset, there are two reasons for asking them what's the matter: one is to genuinely find out what is going on and to help. The second is to find out whether or not it's your fault. If someone is mostly motivated by that second reason, they're going to be quite defensive and may feel they need to 'debate' you over your responses in order to make themselves feel less responsible for how you are feeling.
There's something else that happens when we hear a loved one tell us about their problems: we want to jump immediately to fixing the problem. It's difficult to sit there and listen to how terrible someone is feeling, especially if we love them. It makes us feel helpless.
Your husband's behaviour when he is talking to you about your feelings may stem from any of the above things. He may feel he is responsible for making you depressed, he may feel responsible for fixing your depression. It sounds like what you need most is just for him to listen without judgment, as you are feeling enough guilt on your own.
What do you think you need most right now?
I'm glad JessF was able to greet you, she has set out a lot of pretty good advice and given thought to why your husband might be behaving as he did. Without you judgment it is hard to really comment further about his behavior except to ask if you suppose was his drinking a conscious attempt to give him the courage to talk about your depression? As well if not a big drinker it may well have affected how he behaved.
Actually from what you said it sounds as if he might be feeling rather insecure. Some of what you reported seems to be an urgent plea for reassurance - what do you think?
Giving you flowers and trying to make amends may well show a degree of willing and concern on his part. The real pity is he did not stop when he saw how upset you were getting.
Just in general a problem so many of us face is that those who have not experienced mental illness for themselves have no real idea, they have no experience to fall back on and are in strange and worrying territory when anything said could possible make matters worse. You husband may well not 'get it'. Many need guidance on the best way to discuss matters and give support.
If in the past you have reacted - 'bitten' as you say - and now you have taken up a new tack -not biting but asking him to just stop, he may not know how to deal with that either.
The absence of feeling is really not something to feel guilty about.The fact remains you had a real battering emotionally and I find that leaves- at least in my case - a sort of mental bruising. I can feel numb and detached after something horrible has happened and need time to get back into some sort of balance.
Apart from your husband do you have anyone else to give you support? Having someone else to share these troubles can lift a real weight and lend perspective.
I do hope things settle down and your husband tries to care for you without demanding. Please know you can talk about things here, we do understand and care
People can be surprisingly sensitive and hide it behind anger or making demands. Maybe both you being reserved and his feeling insecure or unloved are both parts of the jigsaw.
Not being able to open up is one thing, if you have not already done so a policy of encouragement and praise, while a little more impersonal than opening up, may make him more comfortable. This in turn might change his ways and things might be less strained.
Opening up is - as far as I can see looking at myself - a two person thing where the recipient has to be sensitive to an initial approach and give encouragement and engender a feeling of security. Until that happens it's unlikely anyone with difficulties in that area would have the courage to go further.
I hope it starts to sort out, living in a strained atmosphere is pretty horrible
Things are getting better between us and tonight i am going to have a good chat with him and tell him what i need and want from him. We have been together too long for this to spoil what we have/had. Thank you so much for helping me 🙂
Can I suggest that you write down what you want to say, duplicate it so your husband can have a copy and start off talking about the least on page 1, then on page 2 something
Please let us know how you get on. Geoff.