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my husband admitted he is gay after 18 years together

Community Member

Hi, I’m new to this and I’m not sure how to start and if this is the right place to talk but In the last year and a half I had questioned my husband if he was gay after finding a few things, he always denied it to me for so long and said that he wasn’t.

Just recently, I had found something that basically caught him out. He still denied it going away with this person but in the end he admitted that he was gay and he always suppressed his feelings. After speaking to him and finding out everything he did and what he put me through mentally and physically I am finding it really hard to deal with. He told me that he felt like this before we got married which was around 12 years ago and we had 2 kids in that time.

I have had so much anxiety, stress and feeling emotionaly depressed about what he has put me through. I thought I had a life ahead with him but knowing now that he’s gay and that he has moved in with this partner has killed me even more. I cannot cope day by day and I don’t know how I am going to move forward in my life! I feel so sad and I’ve got so many different emotions what I’m going through. I never expected after 18 years together he would turn around and say he’s gay.

I am really struggling and I would like some advice and help how I can move past this?

9 Replies 9

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi angel face, welcome

sorry to hear your news.

During such a time you wont think you will find happiness but you can. Life is full of hurdles.


Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: relationship split- beyondblue

I hope they help

Tony WK

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi angel Face

I don't know what to say...but can only relay my experience.

My ex husband wasn't gay...I had thought he was when he and I were not intimate for a long time. So turns out he was having an affair...for a long time...OUCH.!!! but I think both these sting like hell regardless and the pain and hurt you must be experiencing will be second to none.

But now is a crucial time for you to practice acceptance...it is such a shock to the system for sure. Don't for one minute think it is your fault. Or blame yourself. These are things that are beyond your control. You can only deal with the situation the best you know how and take things one step at a time.

I was with my ex for 24 years and so I know how you can think ...how could he?? why I never saw the signs?

the most important thing for you to know is that you will find a way through this. It be unimaginable all the things that you think you gonna have to see. "him moving in with his partner"..etc..etc

But now is the time to take care of yourself ...be kind to yourself ...it all is so much worse when we imagine things "in our head" that might or might not happen and we often do not give enough credit to know that we can handle any situations thrown at us.

For me I have found hot yoga to help me tremendously ...where I was able to have quiet moments to myself and be at peace with what has happened. Let go of the things you cannot control.

Its that serenity quote.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Stay strong Angel Face..we are all here for you when you need us...we will shine the light for you hopefully when you cannot see. Keep in touch 🙂

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Angel Face,

It certainly must have been a horrid shock to you to find out your husband is gay and to now have him move out of your home.

You may very well benefit from talking to your Dr about how you are feeling and asking if he or she thinks some therapy or counselling could help you.

Trying to learn ways to deal with your depression, anxiety and stress will be very beneficial to you. There is a lot of information on this site you can access.

It may help you to make a list of things you need to do and things you would like to do. Having goals and plans is very important even when our worlds have been tossed upside down.

You also mentioned you have children, how are they coping with this big change in their life? (Only answer and respond to what you feel comfortable doing)

Sharing how you are feeling here is certainly one way to get the thoughts out of your head and to maybe gain some insights and advice. Looking for help right where you are living will be beneficial as well.

Hope you find ways to deal with all of those emotions.

From Dools

Community Member

Hi Angel

I too have recently been told by my husband of 32yrs that he is gay.Now he thinks he is bi.He has made it hard to now trust anything he says

My advice to you would be to see a psychologist

Talk to your gp they can arrange this.Seek legal advice and as sad and emotion filled this episode may feel remember you have nothing to be sorry about.This has been brought upon you.Be strong and try to get through a day at a time.Don't

look to far forward-maybes and what if's cause more anxiety.

Take control and decide what you want for you.And go for it. You owe no-one anything.Try not to be dragged along with his issues. You deserve a life filled with integrity and respect.Give yourself that gift.Rise above it and move on.You will always find support on BB.Take care of you and put you first .

Go you!You can do this!xx

Community Member

Hi Angelface,

thank you for your post. My husband of 20yrs has been cheating on me with men for at least a year, I found a text that he brings them round to our home.

i have tried to confront him but he denied everything thing,

I’m so hurt and angry, he has waited until we have a family and I have also found out that he has been racking up credit card debit too.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi, I hear your pain it must be absolutely awful for you, first ask yourself do you love him and does he love you. Then I suggest this works for me I guess you've heard of mindfulness, this is a good way.
1. put on some relaxing music that you like or noises of rain or wind, thunder can all be found they don't relate to anything as much as music.
2. Get comfortable anyway you like I prefer laying down but whatever you like.
3. Breathe in deep for count of four, hold for count of four, breath out for count of six or longer as you feel yourself melting down onto bed or whatever.
If that doesn't work, Noah Elkrief gives lectures in a good way on YouTube and teaches mindfulness and living in the NOW.
Cheers. Spoono

What a great forum. I too have found out that my husband of 23 years has been seeing other men for sex. I am not as supportive of him due to the lies/deceit/betrayal and am cutting him loose from my life. I found online messages/photos and even discussion about me he was having with some guy he met online (even sending this man photos of our teenage boys in their identifiable school uniforms which made me sick to the stomach). He has moved out and not spoken to me or told me what he is or what he has been doing. We have older children who can now choose when they visit or stay with him. I feel so disgusted with his lies over the years...it seems to have been going on a long time. I am now seeing a psychiatrist to try to get some insight into all of this mess that my family now has to deal with.

Hats off to you all for being supportive spouses but I will never be able to get to that point. He would have had more support from me had he been honest (and he had a lot of opportunities to come forward over the years). I was too trusting and naive believing every lie. There seems to be a lot of support out there for men coming out but not much for the families left behind who have to deal with the fallout of this type of situation. This all happened as our eldest son was just about the start his HSC so has had long term repercussions on the children.

I am now putting them and myself first as we are the innocents here in rebuilding our family. I understand that he has a role to play as their father but his actions have had a long lasting impact and are unforgivable.

Hi Resilient 1,

I agree.All the support seems to be for the one who finally "discovered" themselves!

No mention of the grief, betrayal and feelings of the straight spouse.

I have had to turn my whole world around. Because of the actions of my supposed soul mate.

Our children are accepting, so I suppose that's healthy for their relationship with him.

I still feel that I cannot be independent (basically financial). But I do resent that all my/our dreams were never intended to be fulfilled. And I feel foolish:(

I am now over 55.(57th birthday tomorrow!)I have secured employment after 18yrs of being a "homemaker ",but find myself caught.I do still love him.Can't imagine not being in his life. 32yrs of marriage, 40 yrs of knowing each other-am I a fool?Never saw this coming.Feel very resentful.

Sorry for the rant.I do understand your emotions. Keep strong,seek support. I have found a psychologist very helpful in helping me move forward. Speak to your GP.

Best thoughts for a happier new year

Ruby 2

Thanks Ruby2 happy birthday to you for today? What a loss for you and of course I understand about losing the soul mate. One day your life is going one way and then it takes a 360 degree turn around. Good for you getting a job and working on your own financial independence. We have to now sell property is a struggling market...I am madly trying to renovate with my eldest son trying to help. He has hurt me financially, emotionally and mentally.

Any Love I had for him has long gone with the realisation that I was lied to for years in his effort to keep up this double life. I feel like nothing for than a front for his duplicity and an egg donor so that he could have children. The kids have been amazing and are also getting counselling. They are still processing the news really and it is hard for them to come to terms with this.

The sad thing is that the bad stuff at the end of our marriage overshadowed any good times we had together...I don’t ever want to see him again.

I hope you find peace and your own life independent from him. I have found my husband to be selfish, controlling confused and a liar. No wife should ever have to see the messages/photos and pornography that I have seen - it is truly unforgivable.

I am reinventing myself and looking forward. It is the only way to get through this and show my children that I can move on and be a good role model to them. I need to be able to get past the hurt and betrayal (this is so hard) and find myself. I will never understand his motives and never understand his new life. He has much to do in his childrens eyes to make it up to them. I don’t care that he hurt me terribly, but he hurt our children and that is unforgivable.

Let us hope that 2019is a year of change and growth for us all...