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my grandmother is a toxic person who is unforgiving and is trying to ruin my life on purpose
I texted my grandmother yesterday morning, which lead to me calling her. We were arguing through text and then I phoned her, asking her what her problem was. She screamed and hurled abuse at me. I had her on speaker phone and it got to the point where my mother hung up on her for me. She then called my mother and she then called her again while she was at work, abusing her. I then went to her house to demand to speak to her, and she threatened to call the police on me! My mother and I never threatened to call the police on her when she hurled abuse at us. I was so angry I smashed two of her pot plants on the concrete. She is a toxic person who is unforgiving and she has told me that I am no longer part of the family, but that my mother and father are welcome to visit her at anytime. She is trying to put a barrier between my parents and I for a reason unknown. She is also a social worker and in spite of that she has absolutely no understanding of mental health at all. In fact, she is a mental health problem in itself. She has caused so much trouble in this family because she is an old, bitter, jealous person whose achieved nothing in life. She is trying to ruin my life on purpose because she's jealous that my parents are still together, and that I've got my own goals. She has already gossiped about me to everyone in her contacts, telling them all that I am a bad person. We went to a funeral two years ago and she couldnt help but comment on how "poor" everyone looked, and on another occasion she looked at a photo of a family friend of mine and commented on how fat she looked. I could only imagine half of the things she says about me. I don't want her in my life anymore because she is a bully. She likes to "speak the truth" about my life but theres a fine line between that and bullying someone into causing property damage at their house and abusing someone. She seems to think that I abuse her but she never provides any evidence of that.
What am I supposed to?
I hope I can help. Please remain open minded as to my thoughts.
I totally understand your situation as my mother now 88yo is like your Grandmother in so many ways. One problem you face is that it isnt illegal to act like she is acting in terms of the law. People are free to manipulate, gossip and verbally abuse and they are not breaking any laws, but as soon as you break her property it is breaking the law with something like "malicious damage". So if she made a complaint to the police you could be in trouble- that Goldilocks is what you want to avoid.
If you feel you need a break remember that in many family feuds people often get back together down the track, things change and this could occur. So making things worse right now isnt wise. What is wise is to remove yourself from her life as you see fit and inform your parents and any other person associated with her that you do not want to discuss her in any way if possible. Now people are free to mention her in conversation but in terms of discussing you and her to repair it or the events when you dont wish to- off limits and kindly inform them you dont wish to chat about it.
I found that when my sister and I severed our relationship with our mother 10 years ago, we felt free and alive. We no longer had this person trying to destroy our lifestyle. Xmas over the last 10 years has been perfect with love and care and celebration, before then every xmas was a disaster. Even my first wedding was ruined by my mother. You mentioned jealousy, that is an accurate word for some of these domineering frustrated people.
So my suggestion is, it is your decision to live your life without toxicity, but if you do leave it get on with your life and dont dwell on it. Any reaction from you in the future about her wont help.
Oh, by the way, I would replace the pot plants. There is right and wrong and if we do the wrong thing we should rectify it. Put new ones on her front verandah at night and walk away.
Below is a few threads that will clarify things a little. They are from my experiences so may now refer to your grandmother particularly. You just need to read the first post of each.
Hi White Knight,
I dont think her and I will ever mend our relationship. She flat out told me she no longer wants me in her life. She only wants my mother and my father in her life. She is trying to put a barrier between me and them for a reason unknown. My mother has never liked her and she has never liked me mother and so I dont know why she's dragging her and my father, her son involved?
Even if I did replace her pot plants she still wouldn't forgive me. I was in a car accident two years ago and she spent $1700 getting my car fixed. I was grateful for it, but she doesnt seem to think I am. She brought this up when we were arguing yesterday and I think she needs to get over it, as I can be any more grateful.
Thank You for providing me with some links to articles that I can read. Unfortunately, they do not work and so I am unable to click on to them in order to read them.
Ok, no problems, you seem to know what you want. I wouldnt worry about her trying to carve a wedge between yuo and your family, that wont work. Time will see that strategy fall away. The more she tries the less it will work and others will get fed up with her behaviour.
Also people sometimes offer to pay for things to be able to secure an obligation from the other or use that as a tool to manipulate you. I'm not sure if that is the case with the $1700 as I dont know her etc, but the thing is that if you feel that way best to drift away altogether and not have contact. That is your right.
What I found with other people I've stopped seeing under some conflict is turning up at a friends house and they are there or an event like a party, bbq etc. Being much older than you I've developed a process whereby I continue with the bare basics of communication eg Hi everyone (but not directed at that person) and not having more than one word to say to them other than yeh, nope etc. This makes events a little more tolerable. But that might come with you over time because it is actually more comfortable for you to endure than thick air between you. Something to think about.
If you can try to google the following that should work.
Beyondblue topic words are sticks and stones
Beyondblue topic emotional blackmail - likely extreme BPD
I'm afraid some people see doing favors -such as fixing your car - as a means of getting the moral high ground (in their eyes) rather than a genuine desire to help out of empathy and concern. This may well be the case with your grandmother who seems bent on fragmenting the family, I suspect if you were out then your mother might be next.
Actually the fact your mother does take up on your behalf is a pretty good thing, and it shows her common sense in hanging up on that call.
You sound as if you have a rather fiery temperament and I'd agree with TonyWK that it might be an idea to replace those broken pots. It did not sound a well-though out action and just for your own peace of mind and self regard it may be worth doing.
With the links I'm afraid the do not work normally within our posts. You have to copy the entire link (even if it goes over more than one line) and past it in to the location bar at the top of your browser, where it will work fine.
I hope this helps
That sounds like a very unhealthy and toxic altercation between yourself and your grandmother. You mentioned that you were arguing via text and then decided to call. If you don’t mind my asking, what we’re you arguing about via text? I only ask because some people can become totally irrational once emotions are running high (threatening to call the police etc) but it’s helpful what triggered the argument in the first place so that it can be addressed in future.
Of course, you are more than welcome to disown your grandmother if that is what you want to do and don’t need our permission. However, as someone who lost their grandparents extremely young, just make sure that you are certain that this is something that you really want to do and won’t regret when you are older and they are no longer here. Grandparents (and parents) can often create a lot of problems at times so it’s often easier to decide to take the higher ground while maintaining a safe distance. Your grandmother may be a real piece of work and loves stirring up drama, I’m not sure as I don’t know her, but the fact that she gave you $1700 to get your car fixed suggests to me that she does care about you in her own way. Whatever you decide to do, it’s your call and you have to make peace with it.
Regarding the pot plants, I have to say that I also agree with the others I’m sorry to say. Someone cannot bully another person into causing property damage - you need to take responsibility for that one. Although you can’t control the actions of others, you can control how you respond.
I wish you all the best and hope the situation calms down.
I want nothing to do with her, because she is an abusive, narcissistic, nasty piece of work. Most of her siblings do not speak to her because she causes trouble. She excommunicates family members like they're nothing, and that is what she has done to me. I have no respect for the woman.
You would have noticed that Juliet, Criox and myself all suggested you consider replacing the pots you broke.
That is not to say anything your grandmother has done to you is excusable at all, even elderly people do wrong things including toxic behaviour. It is purely because doing the wrong thing is not something you can justify no matter what she does to you.
Anyway, how can we help you with your problems with your grandmother? Anything specific?