My friend needs urgent help I don't know what to do

[Amarli]

My friend, has just called off a relationship after 2years. It appears out of the blue, everything was perfect they had everything, perfect house, partner, animals. Even marriage was around the corner. The reason I have is she grew apart. When I look back at past relationships they ended after 2-3yrs. She had some major physical changes of appearance after loosing a lot of weight about 10yrs ago. Gets a lot of attention from guys which she seems to enjoy. Has already got with another guy. her bf is hurting so bad. Growing up her mother left her when she was 16, she was emotionally abused. She looks perfect when u see her, she acts fine, she comes across confident. She will snap easy about her imagine. She loves to clean. It's like she throwing everything away. I'm scared for her. Her bf is devasted there was no warning, only a few days before she was so in love. I have no idea what is going on? What do I do, what can I suggest, does anyone have any idea what this maybe? 

[pipsy]

Hi Amarli.  Welcome to the forums.  As far as your friend is concerned I have to wonder how confident she is.  At 16, to have your mum leave would be devastating to her.  Did she understand her mum leaving was not her fault? It's important she understands she had nothing to do with her mum leaving.  Then she was abused, so her confidence took a very severe knock.  With cleaning it could be that, that's the only way she feels she is in control.  I get the impression, she's scared to really get too close to anyone in case she gets left again.  When we lose a parent or role model, at a young age, our emotions are really screwed up.  Are you a close enough friend you could let her know you understand how insecure she is.  Her insecurities are stopping her from trusting anyone, which is why she goes from relationship to relationship.  If her latest bf starts getting too close, she gets scared of getting hurt if he breaks up.  If she halts the relationship first, she can't get as hurt as if he halts it.  Try mentioning (carefully) about her talking to a counsellor.  If she's willing there is plenty of help.  It's fantastic she has a friend like you who is so willing to help her.  I would also talk to her bf, let him know it's not his fault, I think she probably does love him, she's just scared to commit in case he changes his mind.  If he loves her as much as you say he does, he'll want to help her too.  Maybe her and bf could talk to a counsellor together, once she realizes how much he loves her.     

BB have plenty of trained counsellors available if she wants to talk anonymously, till she feels happy on a face to face basis.  Her self image of not being pretty also comes from lack of confidence.  I know you said she looks perfect, but she won't be able to see what you see.  All she can see is someone who's lost her mum and deserves (in her mind) not to be happy.  That is so sad.

Hope this has helped.  All the best to all of you.

[geoff]

dear Amarli, hello and welcome to the site and you must be close to your friend so it's nice for you to be concern.
What Pipsy has said is true 'she gets scared of getting hurt if he breaks up. If she halts the relationship first, she can't get as hurt as if he halts it', in other words she is in control before she could be devastated by another person leaving her.
You say that she loves to clean which as an OCD sufferer myself raises some questions which I'm not going to ask here, unless it is mentioned again, however the same applies with her relationships only lasting 2 to 3 years every time as a pattern has started to form.
For a long time she must have been hiding all her pain to herself, giving off the impression that 'there is nothing wrong', however what can happen is that she will finally break unless she has support, just as Pipsy has mentioned.
The question to answer is that does any partner/spouse understand exactly what is going on with their partner/spouse when they are hiding their depression and won't confide to them about their troubles, and that is not easy to answer, because all people and their circumstances are different, but to drop her b/f and then get another one must be devastating for her past b/f, but it seems as though this could only last 2 to 3 years again, so this something which she needs to know why she does this. Geoff. x