My fiancé and I struggling to conceive. Feeling it my fault.

[Steviep]

Hi my name is Steven so this very hard for me to talk about but then again I feel like I need to put myself out here cause maybe advice could very well help me But help my fiancé as we atm are struggling to conceive a baby. We been trying for over 12-18 months and no luck and I feel like it may be my fault.

could be anxiety as I have struggled with that my whole life. Could be I overthink things too much and put too much pressure on myself.

but what I could think is the problem is that atm the only way I feel like I can actually make myself perform is via the use of watching or thinking of porn/sexual stuff.

i just can’t seem to make myself do it any other way than either watching or thinking of porn or sexual stuff. When my fiancé and I have sex nothing is happening. I don’t seem to get eroused enough or excited enough.

i just don’t understand it. 

i also wonder if our overall sex life is maybe been the same and needs a change up. Maybe we need to be more open about our likes and dislikes when comes to sex.

but udk I still feel atm the big problem is me thinking and relying on sexual visuals to make me climax.

so I ask does anyone have any advice for me? I need this. I’ve been so upset lately cause I’m blaming myself for us not conceiving. Whether I am at fault idk but I feel it is my fault and need To figure this out so anyone have any advice on ways my fiancé and I can improve our chances of conceiving via sex to where I don’t need sexual visual stuff or thinking of it to make it happen?

thank you I hope someone has advice for me.

[geoff]

Hello Steven, thanks for having the courage to post your thread.

It's not the easiest comment to reply to, rather than being a mate and talking face to face, however, watching porn means you can plan your time, 10 minutes or maybe it's stretched out to be longer, whereas having sex with your finance doesn't really allow this to happen.

You 'need to be more open about our likes and dislikes', and you can't compare what you watch rather than actually engaging with your finance, because the situations are different and maybe a cause.

Are you able to block watching it and see how you are?

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[missep123]

Hi Steven,

Trying to conceive for a length of time can be a lot of pressure on your shoulders. You are definitely not alone, I know many couples who have tried for a while and have felt pressured and as if something was 'wrong' with them. I also put a lot of pressure on myself if I'm trying to achieve something that's very important to me.

With regards to your sexual situation, have you spoken to your partner about this? Also about your likes and dislikes? I have heard from others that watching porn can sometimes create unrealistic expectations of what the sex will be like as behind the scenes there's editing, lighting, and makeup.

If coronavirus wasn't happening I would say that maybe taking a relaxing or enjoyable trip or holiday together would help to alleviate some pressure. We have had family friends who tried to conceive for years and then when they were on a relaxing break and didn't think about it, they conceived! Everyone is different but you are definitely not alone in how you are feeling.

Here for you!

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

This is not unlike the situation many older men endure so it is common.

A GP is your answer imo as modern medication will more than likely work.

Regards TonyWK

[Deckt]

Hi Steviep,

To provide a slightly different perspective - is it possible that your fiancee and you could share things? Many couples use pornography together, either for inspiration, or arousal or whatever. Toys, outfits... role playing. The only concern (as I see it) would be if the materials you were using were in some way distasteful to your partner. Maybe you could try talking to her? It's possible that she would be interested in broadening her horizons.

Think of it like this - if your partner were to suggest something new to you, would you be open to it, if it would please her? Maybe she would like the opportunity to do the same for you.

Hope it gets better for you, mate. Dt.

[Steviep]

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice. I honestly think that I need to just be more open with my partner about my thoughts and feelings when comes to intercourse.

maybe cause of my aniexty there is at times I’m worried if I do something I want to do that I’m going to be shit down and do something that my partner doesn’t like. Think I don’t like rejection but sometimes you got to take risks and go with your gut

im still also worried about the fact that it seems porn makes me more eroused than atm being with my partner. I’ve tried now to limit my exposure to watching visual porn stuff but there still at times I’m still thinking sexual stuff so idk if that a good thing or bad thing.

but overall I just think more openness with my partner and not being too anietious or nervous to try something without getting rejected and hurt best thing to do going forward

[geoff]

Hello Steven, we appreciate your comments, but when you are watching porn, there maybe two different sexes, whereas with your finance it's only her, so I wonder if this concerns you and are struggling to conceive, just saying.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[missep123]

Hi Steven,

We are always here for you on the forums! In my own experience, communication is so important. Open communication can help to increase understanding and hopefully enhance your sexual experiences!

[Helen72]

Hi Steviep,

There was one post that talked about you seeing a gp. The other posts are reasonable advice but after 12-18 months its time to get the medical approach happening. While talking and changing your behaviour are good approaches, I think after a year you could check other things just to make sure 'the mechanics' are ok.

Good luck 🙂

Helen