My Ex & his GF

[Pink-Swirl]

My ex and I have 2 children together. When I was pregnant with them both times he was cheating on me with multiple women (which I had met a few times and even made friends with) from his workplace. While pregnant with my first son he would drop me off an hour away to my parents for the weekend and tell me its so I can get some rest and company as he was working and although I didn't want to go he would find a way to get me to go so he could have his fun with the women in our bed. I had no idea this was happening until after 6months of having my second child. This had gone on for over 2 and a half years without me knowing.

I found flirty messages in his phone. I confronted him, he lied and denied everything until I called one of the women who told me EVERYTHING. 

At this point we had just recently been engaged, we threw an engagement party to celebrate with all our friends and family, one of the women who happened to be a friend actually came to the engagement party, i asked her if she would take photos of the night. She took 2 photos and never sent them to me. After finding out what had been going on I completely lost all emotional control, I could not believe it! I was so hurt and fragile as I was going through post natal depression also and everything felt so heavy. I ended up forgiving him and staying with him for another 10 years. This was very hard as I was always so paranoid, lost a lot of self esteem, but over the years built myself back up and finally worked up the courage to leave. I very quickly started a new relationship and remain very happy after 2 and half years of being with him. However. My ex moved on quickly too and we have a 50/50 care arrangement for the boys. Over the past 2 and half years I have watched my ex sit back and let his Girlfriend take majority of the responsibility for the children when they're in his care. I finally worked up the courage to say something about this as it is so wrong! This backfired because I had made friends with his girlfriend over the past 2 years and now his girlfriend Hates me for speaking up. She has been very abusive and hurtful. I have been called so many awful names by her so much that I had to block her phone as it gave me such trembling anxiety. I never said anything mean or rude to her. Just that the children would be better off in my care more than 50/50. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Pink-Swirl, 

We’re sorry to hear what you’ve been through. It sounds like it’s had some very serious impacts on your life, family, relationship and work. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you. 

It sounds like you could do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. 

Thanks again for sharing here. We’re sure you’ll hear from some other community members once they spot your thread. We appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing to the forums, and we hope you can be kind to yourself, too while you’re going through this extremely difficult time.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[Croix]

Dear Pink-Swirl~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here to the Forum. I'm glad you have already met her as she gives good advice.

Trying to get the best for the children you love is hard -and not as straightforward as one would like. I'm glad you have found another partner and it has worked out well between you.

I guess - if I've understood your post correctly - you have 2 children, both young teenagers (or close to it) and have a 50/50 sharing arrangement wiht oyur ex, who you were with for around 10 to 12 years.

Your ex found another and she has been taking a substantial part of the care of the children during your ex's 50% for the past couple of years (please forgive me if my dates are not exactly right.)

You find this to be unsatisfactory and wish to have the children for longer than 50% of the time as a result.

In a way I'm sorry your relation wiht your ex's girlfriend has soured, even if you consider you have good reason not to let them be with her so much. It might be a way-off target idea but do you think part of the  reason she hates you is she might have formed a genuine attachment to the children and does not want that to stop?

 I'm thinking of the children for a moment. So often when there is bad feeling between parents who have split up children can be very affected, perhaps torn wiht conflicting emotions and even guilt by this. As they are now at an age where they have some understanding may I ask what their wishes are? To stay half the time wiht a father they have known all their lives (plus girlfriend of course), or come and live for longer with their mother  who very obviously has their welfare at heart - and her partner.

Speaking of you partner could you say what his feelings are? Does he wish to have the children longer than  at present and is a like mind as yourself as to the undesirability of the current arrangement?

I'd have ot say you are going through a very tough time at the moment, concern for the children's welfare, the prospect of some form of procedure or battle to change things, and even the loss of that girlfriend's friendship.

I'd be concerned for your welfare as much as the children's, and hope you all have support, either personal, or through counseling or both. Do you have anyone to lean on?

Croix

[ecomama]

Hi Pink Swirl, welcome to the forums. 

Yes, it's a difficult situation for you if you're not happy with how things are done while the boys are at their dad's place.

I'm not sure how ex's GF treats the boys? 
If there's cruelty or concerns, then there are other avenues to pursue. Also if more than 50% is not what they want, then the only way to get more time is to apply to Family Law Court. 
You can get legal advice beforehand or at any time, I predict any Legal advice would recommend you leave it the way it is. Family Law is VERY much into 50 / 50 care arrangements and in my experiences, don't care a tad whether this is "good for the children". Other assumptions are made as a blanket Law. 

Tbh if I'm reading the situation right in any way, I'd be more concerned if they DIDN'T Have GF on the scene. 
This ex appears to be relentlessly irresponsible and "absent" (which could be neglectful) with the boys from before their births. 

IDK what motivations are but oftentimes, it's over money. Family Payments reducing, not wanting to pay Child Support etc. Sadly it's not always in the best interests of the children. 

Love EM