my depression and anxiety has overwhelmed me and caused me to insult a best friend

[CraigC]

my wife and i just returned from a trip to bali with her best friend and a small group of her friends

on the first day, i organised a sunrise trek up a volcano for the girls and I and they all loved it. I felt ok if not good. When we came back to the resort i couldnt figure out why i felt so sad and nothingness and this built up during the day to the point that i couldnt cope and yelled at my wife for no reason.

That night i got so drunk that i left the group at a bar and started to walk back to the resort. 8km from the bar ....somehow i managed to fall and sprain my ankle and in a drunken state i messaged some of the group to help but no one did. I had a mental attack and cried my eyes out ...it took me 3 hours to get back to the room

(why did i decide to walk home, why didnt i get a cab, why didnt i stay with the group.....i wasnt thinking rationally, i was in a state where i thought everyone hated me and i needed to leave)

the next day I decided that i wasnt going to do any activities with the group and stay in my room. My wife told me im ruining her holiday and was angry

We had organised another night out at an expensive restaurant and i didnt want to go. My wife went although asking if i was ok, i said i was and that i wanted her to go

That night i got drunk in my room and texted her best friend telling her that i hated her and that she was selfish and didnt have my back when i was out alone.

i now think that was a panic attack and i immediately regretted that message and apologised via a message the next day. so far she hasnt replied and avoided us when we checked out . i think that a 20 yr friendship has been lost and im devastated to the point that i feel hatred towards myself.

what can i do ? i feel helpless

[Croix]

Dear CraigC~

I'd like to apologize for delay to get a reply. It is nothing to do with you or the matters you are posting about. Sadly it happens, and some posts just fall through the net

Your experiences were horrible and you must feel terrible about what you did and how it worked out. Everyone makes mistakes, I've lashed out at both my own friends and family. Something I've regretted. Fortunately everyone has in time been understanding and its all in the past and forgotten (except by me).

In your account it started off with you feeling bad at on the way back from that first trip to the volcano and started you get angry. Later on - as you say yourself - you were not thinking straight and believed everyone hated you. So I guess the thing to do is to try to see why you felt as you did. You have not mentioned any particular reason. If I understand these thoughts and moods just happened.

By the looks of it you drank too much and wanted to retreat, something you did the next day by not joining in activities.

All of this looks pretty familiar to me, if you leave out the drink what's left is how I've felt when my anxiety and depression has taken over. It is hard on you - and hard on your wife and friends too who in all probability do not understand exactly what is happening.

People tend to see just the anger and drink, not the suffering underneath. You have made a start to fix thing with that message, though clearly it was not enough by itself.. If it was me I'd try hard to get my wife to realize what was happening and take it from there.

I would like to say that my own feelings and behavior did not improve when I tried to deal with it myself. I ended up seeing a doctor and having my depression and anxiety treated. This involved both medications and therapy. Can I ask if you are currently under treatment? If not now would be an excellent time to see a GP and get started. Explaining the events in your post would be a good beginning.

If you are currently seeing a doctor I'd suggest you go back and set out what is happening. Plainly things are not as effective as they should be.

Drinking too much is not a good idea - I don't have to tell your that. If you take meds then the reaction with the alcohol can be quite disastrous

Rather than see this whole episode as a disaster, which it really isn't, try to use it as a springboard to spur you on to get the help you need. Over time I found it made a huge difference

Croix

[PamelaR]

Hi CraigC

Good to see you've had a warm and caring welcome from Croix along with his words of wisdom. I don't have much more to add to what he's written, though I can relate to you my experiences of angry outbursts when in the throes of anxiety and depression.

I've had anxiety and depression for many many decades but was only diagnosed in the last 7-8 years. In the years prior to the diagnosis and treatment, I regularly had outburst of anger, verbally and in writing. My worst outburst was when I was 20 and for 30 years I missed the friendship of my best friend from high school. I wrote to her over 10 years ago now apologising for what I did and asked forgivenness. Her response - there was nothing to forgive, she was perplexed by my what I'd done but she was not angry or annoyed at me at all. Wow, I couldn't believe it. I always felt so bad, I'd told her she couldn't be my bridesmaid because she couldn't make it to a shower tea I was having in another town. It was my mother and 1st hubby to be that were the ones who thought it was 'bad'. I went along with it and of course my anger with it.

My 2nd hubby has put up with a lot of my anger outbursts, but knows that's what they were 'outbursts', not that I was an angry person. He actually has stayed with me and helped me for over 30 years.

Life, a peaceful life, is feasible. Having truthful conversations with people are really important. I'd think having one with your wife and even phoning her friend to talk through your message. You'll be surprised how people can respond when you're honest and truthful.

Again, seeing your gp and a therapist, to help you through your current phase of anxiety and depression is also good.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[CraigC]

thank you for your kind response

i just feel so angry with myself for making the message and the guilt i feel now is overwhelming. i lost all control and became irrational and deluded and i had instant regret the minute i sent the message ....so selfish but now i understand the anxiety attack that it was and can do something about it ...hopefully a watershed moment

[Croix]

Dear CraigC~

Frankly I can't see that much to feel guilty or being angry with yourself in writing that post. You set out what has been happening, and you did it in a straightforward manner.

Setting things down does help, I've found that and others have too, particularly if it is something that is overloaded with emotion. Once it is down you can look back and see what happened and what is important.

You have the additional benefit by putting it here you get other people's 's views too. It is true that when in the grip of anxiety (a panic attack if you like) things seem so much worse and the consequences quite terrible. Later on you get a more balanced view.

Nobody is going to think less of you for setting out your story, quite the reverse, it is a stage towards dealing with things , whether it be drinking or anger or treating someone poorly. So please don't regret your post, just see it as a starting point.

Do you mind if I ask how things are with your partner now? Hopefully you can be together and sort this out so no friendships are lost

Croix

[PamelaR]

Hello Craig

Thank you for getting back to us. Yes, watershed moments are the best aren't they. I've had quite a few in my day.

Is there any reason why you want to be angry with yourself because you lost control by sending a text msg? You know, I think that's pretty amazing actually. There are some others out there (male and female) who will use physical violence to get their message across.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. And as Croix has asked, how are things with your partner?

Kind regards

PamelaR