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My Children dont want me
I have a daughter 30 and son 25...
I have been so very close with son as he worked for me for 10 years, son has depression and recently I found out he was abusing pills etc . He is a gym junkie and hid this from everyone.
I found out but what has happened now is that he has divided a wedge through the whole family and I am now the bad person who is taking all the flack over this. He hates me as his fiancé, my Daughter and I have never had the "best" of relationships also has nothing to do with me..
I feel everyone out there hates me all over this. All I have is my wife of 7 years who loves me dearly as I love her but the separation with my 2 kids kills me. I wrote daughter a letter the other day explaining everything to her but she's ignored it and still doesn't contact me. I feel so low and although I'm a guy 57 I cant hold back my tears every day, as not having my kids in my life is destroying me. My son has since quit working for me and I am just not coping. I don't feel that I am suffering with depression I am suffering with hurt, heartache and upset.
Its been 3 months since I have seen daughter and my year old grandson.
My son has asked me for time to get his head around his issues
But I feel I have lost both my kids.
I've never been separated from my kids like this before, my ex wife has nothing to do with me but she sees the kids a lot.
Well this isn't an easy comment to reply to but maybe your ex has been talking to your daughter to get her on her side, and now that you are divorced then your ex could be telling her all sorts of your bad points that she always thought of you, if this is so, then it's going to be difficult for the two of you to be friends, but once someone starts to criticise their ex with all sorts of comments then it's not going to achieve anything, except hate you.
I would just say to her that your ex must have terrible words for me and has told you about them, but say 'that's her opinion', and then say that you could tell her about what you think happened in the marriage, but there is no need to because it's over and you don't want this to happen, this may work or she may not pay any attention.
You say that you're not suffering from depression, but if this feeling continues then it can be that you do become depressed.
With your son who has become addicted to abusing his medication, is the same as if someone self medicates with alcohol, both are used to numb their feelings, but doing it by medication could mean that he surfs different doctors so that he can get what he needs or buys these drugs on the street, so this becomes a real problem for him and you.
Hopefully your son realises what he is doing and that he needs help, I hope so, but one reason why he quit working for you is because if he needs these pills to get through the day, then working for you is only standing in the way.
At the moment you need to go and see your doctor who may want to give you some medication, but at the moment try and hide where no one knows where it is, sorry, but I needed to mention that.
All in all I feel as though your ex is feeding your kids with information that may not be true, so is it possible for you to have a talk with your her. Geoff.
It must be heart wrenching to not have contact with your children. I was reading a message on face book which mentioned how hard it is to grieve for a living person!
Relating to what you have written, it sounds to me like you are grieving the loss of contact with your children. Maybe you could look up coping with grief on the internet. You may better understand the range of thoughts and emotions you are going through.
Maybe you could send your son and daughter text messages now and then, just to let them know that you are thinking of them and hoping they are okay. You could ask your daughter to send through photos of your grandchild, or that might be too hurtful, only you will know the answer to that one.
Hopefully, when everyone's emotions settle down, you might be reconnected. Ask your kids if you can meet in a neutral place like a café, even if it is for a short period of time, it might help to re-establish contact.
Let the tears out, they are healing.
Give your wife a hug, tell her how much you love her and try to make time to do special things together.
If you become really depressed and so full of grief you don't know what to do, please phone LifeLine or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. Your sense of grief and loss is very understandable. These people will be able to offer a listening ear and advice.
Wishing you well. Hopefully one small step after another and you may have a connection with your children again.
Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools
I understand fully the feelings of rejection and depression you face at the hands of your children. I had 2 children from my previous marriage. I have worked constantly through emails, phone calls etc to try and keep contact and grow the relationship between us. My daughter has a 3 year old son, who is my first grandchild. I have remembered their birthdays each year, and this year while on overseas aid assignment in Vietnam, I emailed them to see what my daughter and grandson would like for their birthdays. No reply. It is so frustrating, particularly when others ask about my children, have I seen them, what are they doi ng etc etc. It makes me feel a bit self conscious as if its my fault. However, after seeking support on this, I have realised they have reached the age where they are totally indepeendent, and choose to do their own thing. It was a huge surprise to get an email from them both for Father's Day. I am learning to be patient, let them know I care for them but let them make the next move from now.
I hope sharing this has helped. It is not easy when you have been close to your kids. I was a doting father too when mine were young, taking them to their activities, even having them at my office after school. But all that has changed, and I have to move on and adjust.
I dream one day to get a knock on the door or an email from them to say they are ready to rebuild a relationship
I have 3 adult daughters who I raised as a single parent. My middle daughter decided 4 or 5 years ago that I had no place in her family's life.
Of course I miss her & her 2 children. However I console myself that I wanted to raise independent young women who would be able to make their own decisions. I obviously did!!
I still love her. That's not to say that I don't go through stages of grief & anger though as I do. Hopefully she will make her way back to me one day.
There would have been a time when I could not have coped with something like this. I have though & I'm proud of myself for that.
I believe there's always hope Dad. I wish you well, Lyn.
Hello and Thankyou to everyone that has taken the time to read my post and write a reply...
My 25 year old son came to visit me the other day and it was so lovely to see him. He does have another job and I am pleased to say I know the people he works for and they are sticklers for drug alcohol testing. Son tells me that he is no longer abusing pills and that hes tested on a regular basis. I'm also now seeing a Phycologist who is helping me to.. he tells me we all have to let our kids go and yes I agree but when I have seen son every day for the last 10 years it makes it that much harder. I think I just miss seeing him. I know time is a great healer but its still a struggle for me at the moment. I'm so glad I have a great woman in my life and also 2 great friends who show me so much support and love. I talk to people at work on building sites and I am flabbergasted that so many people either are going through this or they know of people with the same issues.
No tears in 3 days now so that's a record, I'm trying so hard to be positive and hope time will come through for me. Still no contact from my daughter but there's nothing i can do as I have wrote to her and so I guess have left the ball in her court, its her birthday soon, ill send a card and gift as I refuse to sink to her level of just ignoring her. Not seeing my grandson is also upsetting.
Once again Thankyou to everyone who took the time to write to me...
Thanks for sharing the wonderful news about having seen your son. It is also great that the new place where he is working has regular drug tests, that makes your son more accountable for his own actions now.
Hopefully you can forge a new friendship and relationship with your son. Hopefully he will be able to see how much you care for him.
It is also excellent that you are going to recognise your daughter's Birthday. It can be really tough when you give and give but receive so little in return. Hang in there though, you will never know how much your actions may mean to your children.
All the best to you Bill and your family!
Cheers form Mrs. Dools
Just in general having a bit of a bad week and wanted to express some stuff..
I have tried so many times to my daughter to send me photos etc of my grandson, hes now walking and its really hit me that I cant see him and her. I speak to my son once a week and he does text me. I cannot believe how cruel my daughter is being to me.. I never dreamed it would come to this that she has totally blanked me and wont even send a photo... shes blocked me on facebook and so I cant see anything that way..
My son, he called me, but I sometimes feel that hes not being honest about my grandson, I asked him if he was walking and all I get is I think so, its hard not to ask and to leave alone, my councilor said to give them time, but its the not knowing anything that really hurts... people say time heals but I get so angry not knowing, its so hard.
I'm sorry to hear that you're having a bad week. Your daughter's avoidance of contact is not within your control, which I can imagine must be incredibly frustrating. The best (yet hardest) thing to do is to refocus your attention away from your daughter. The fact that you are able to communicate with your son is great. It is possible that your son feels in an awkward position between you and his sister, so I doubt your son is wanting to withhold info from you. He is probably trying to avoid passing on information between you and your daughter, since you two are not communicating.
I hope your week improves soon!
Sorry to read you are having a bad week. Must be very difficult for you not being able to see your grandson. Zeal has made some good points here, maybe your daughter has told your son not to talk about her or your grandson.
Doesn't help you much though does it. I do so hope that something is resolved in all of this.
I also hope that by sharing here how you are feeling, you have let go of a little bit of your hurt and burden.
Do you have anything nice planned for the weekend? We are planning to see the latest Tom Hanks movie. Not sure what it is called. It is supposed to be cold and raining again/still in our neck of the woods, so a movie will be a nice outing.
Cheers from Mrs. Dools