My boyfriend seems to be struggling right now.

[Nala]

Hi,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. We live together and share some very fun and happy times. 90% of our times together are happy.

The other 10% of the time I see him really down. Every day he mentions being tired and seems to get 'down' around nighttime. I know him well enough to know when something is wrong, but when I ask he always insists that nothing is wrong. I see straight through it though and know that something is up. When I ask, he covers his face with a pillow or his hands, become extremely quiet and will not tell me whats wrong. Recently I got him to open up a little more and he told me he doesn't know what he's doing with his life and doesn't know what his plan is for the next year or two. He has just graduated university so I believe this is normal, but his down times make me wonder if I have done something to upset him. When he does talk to me, it's only for a minute or two before he says 'I feel better, we can stop now' but I can tell that it's something deeper.

When I got him to open up a little bit recently, he told me he feels lost and doesn't know where his life is going. I told him that this is norml for recent graduates and he then again told me nothing is wrong. I ended up walking out of the room and slamming the door because I became so frustrated that he wouldn't tell me what's wrong.

Apart from these down times, he is an active, healthy and generally happy young man.

How can I help him realise that he doesn't need a life plan right now (he's 21) and that things will work out? He's so lost and I can't help but feel like I've done something to make him sad. I work as a welfare worker and counsellor and would love to refer him to a guidance counsellor, but I'm not sure that he'd go.

Thanks.

[white knight]

Hi Nala, thanks for posting

Relationships can be confusing. Both males and females have their idiosyncrasies that the opposite sex wont understand easily.

Unless your bf goes to seek help willingly then you wont know what the issue is. He might not know himself!! Hollowness might mean there is no real spark in life. Eg I have my vintage car and before that I've owned 90 cars and motorcycles. It is fair to say that such machines and the hobby time associated with them is a week. Perhaps this is what is missing? A hobby, a sport, a project or a plan for the future.

So with this in mind I would take a different tack. Firstly don't slam the door !! lol. That will make him more withdrawn. Suggest things like- browsing through display homes, a drive in the country, a sporting match like soccer, attending the local volleyball club for a game, a wildlife park etc...even hot air ballooning if you're game.

The intention would be to stimulate him to find excitement in life and to find a direction. Direction in life, hobbies, sports, future home site, type of home etc.

For me it was building my own home with my own hands. I accept many cant do this but I started with clearing a block of land of one acre size and erecting a garage...great for weekends in the country.

If you can get him to a GP that would be good.

The risk overall is that he has reservations of the relationship. That 10% might be worrying him although 10% of not so good times between a couple isn't bad odds.

Google this- Topic: talking to men, some tips- beyondblue

It might help.

Good luck and don't be afraid of reposting when ever you feel the need.

Tony WK