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My boyfriend and his depression
I am a newbie here. Been feeling so lonely and stressed out, but no one to talk to and then I found this forum.
In the past few weeks I've been crying more than I had in the whole previous year or even two.
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months now, and in the beginning things were really great and I thought I finally found the one (was single for a few years before that). The things have progressed pretty quickly and we started staying at each other's place, exchanged the house keys, went on a couple of short holidays together, met each other's friends and parents. He was saying he never loved anyone like he loves me, that our relationship was precious and special.
However he always was pointing out that he needed his personal space, so 2-3 days a week he'd spend on his own (usually playing videogames or occasionally going to a pub with a friend).
Also in the beginning of the relationship he confessed that for a year before we met he had been seeing a therapist for his depression, but never took any medications, and the therapy had seemed to help, and indeed everything seemed to be fine.
However in the last few weeks the things have deteriorated noticeably. He started having his 'bad moods' (as he puts it), and then he becomes really distant and shuts himself. I feel isolated, but whatever I try I cannot reach to him. He won't text me first, and if I do, will give quite dry answers. He would avoid calling me (e.g. I was away for a week overseas, and he didn't initiate a single call, only after I insisted). He doesn't seem to be interested in my life at all, and this emotional isolation drives me insane.
He admits that he realizes he hurts me however "this is how he is". He refuses to see the therapist again as in his opinion they won't help (since he's already been doing it for a year and he's back to his depressed state). I cry in the shower almost every day. I get so worried that I cannot concentrate on any of my daily tasks and my mood also goes down. I don't want to see anyone except for him, and just keep staring at phone hoping to hear from him. I was freaking out so much that I even got jealous and snooped on his phone for messages from other girls trying to explain this change of behavior 😞 Though so far he's been honest and didn't give any reason for suspicions.
I am really at loss how to handle this situation. I love him and want to be with him, but I feel it also affects me a lot and I am feeling miserable most of the time 😞
I've answered a number of these not only today but over the past few days, please don't let this be as though I don't want to answer your thread, I do, but basically people who are suffering from depression are inclined to want to be by themselves, they don't want you to worry, but this is what's happening to you, and I'm really sorry that you are caught up in this situation.
He says he can't change, well he can if he gets the help he needs, takes any medication suggested by his doctor and continues on with
Please get back to us as I'd like to know your thoughts. Geoff.
I'd like to join Geoff in welcoming you here. He is right, it a sadly quite a common problem and I'm afraid your options are limited. Looking, as he suggests, at others in your situation here in the Forum you will see there is no easy answer.
It may be an unpleasant fact to contemplate but you have to know what you
are getting into. While depression can be relived to a very great extent it is
not always a quick or easy path. Supporting someone with depression is not
something everyone is capable of.
If you do intend to continue then can I offer the following thoughts:
One problem for you I guess is to sort out what is depression and what is maybe a reluctance to see you for other reasons - like "has he lost interest?"
I can say when I've had severe depression I was very detached, wanted to be by myself and did not feel love for anyone, in fact I was unsure if I was actually capable of love. Later of course when I was better feelings returned - together with guilt at what I'd put my loved ones though.
The important thing is that I could never have improved without both competent medical help and personal support from my partner. While you can see the need for your BF to see the doctor he is unwilling. So things are stuck. I'm sure you will have tried whatever persuasion you could already. Keeping on that tack may just put a rift between you.
Do you think there is anyone else - family or friend - that might have better luck? One thing he should bear in mind is that everyone is different and respond to treatments in different ways. There can be a degree of trial and error in getting the best results, one has to work at it.
Apart from that letting him know you are sympathetic and will be there for him is the best you can do, that together with trying to keep up contact and do things with him (even just hanging out together).
All this will have placed a great strain on you, the worry and uncertainty take a big toll. Staring at the phone and crying yourself to sleep are part of a life that cannot really go on for ever.
So do you in turn have anyone to support you? My partner had the care of her mum who was always there to talk and lend a hand. It really did make a big difference.
You too may need the care of your GP to continue long term, I’d suggest making a long appointment and talking it over.
I hope you feel comfortable enough to come back and talk more