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my boyfriend and best friend are close to someone who really hurt me
Welcome again to Beyond Blue forums, I see that Croix has welcomed you to the Beyond Blue forum in the other thread you started about your mum.
I'm thinking you are quite young Bubblegum. Am I right? It just helps me to support you better knowing your age because I'm at the other end of the age spectrum. I retired last year - so that gives you an idea of how old I am.
Remembering back to my teen years, friendship with others was always very difficult for me. I had PTSD, anxiety and depression. Television series show you how it should be, but it isn't reality! Building friendship and relationships, maintaining friendships and relationships is HARD WORK! Phew, I never found it easy and because of my PTSD found I never trusted anyone. I could have friends to go out with, but friends to call on when I needed help - never. Nor were my parents. During my twenties it was learning to be self sufficient. To rely on me and only me. That was hard, but I did it.
Knowing what you want out of a friendships is important. Do you know the things you want from a friend? For example, some one you can call when you need to talk, someone who'll listen to what you have to say. Or is it more about going out, having fun?
Up until I was 25 all my attempts at building these associations were failures! You know why? For years i kept being attracted to the same kind of people. Those people were poison/toxic for me. They made me feel terrible about myself, my self esteem and self worth. Why on earth did I want to hang out with them? They certainly weren't nice people.
So one day I sat down and draw up a list of what I wanted in a friendship and what I wanted in a relationship. All the good things, for example - being kind, talking kindly, not make fun of me, listen to what I have to say, similar interests in music, movies, books. For me it was also important to have the same values in life, for example - being buddhist, loving animals, caring for the welfare of people, dislike of war.
Then when I was 27, the most marvellous man walked into my life. We've been together ever since and still happy, over 37 years ago.
Be kind to yourself! The way to stop hurting yourself, maybe look at making friends with others who are nice to you? For me, people who are not nice to someone, are not worth the effort to be my friend. It's hard and will take time to re-establish your new network. But it is doable Bubblegum.
Keep reaching out. You're not alone.