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My boyfriend (25) wants to be single - something flicked

Kakapo
Community Member

Here I am again, looking for answers..

He's at least made an appointment with his psych now. We have to move out of our rental by November, so that is our time frame to work things out.

For 2 months, he's said he can't connect emotionally to people (including me). It makes him feel uncomfortable/anxiety. He can't get close to people.

This is coming from the most affectionate and supportive person I had ever known. We've been together 2 years. What happened?
He doesn't feel like he can meet the needs of our relationship, because he can't connect emotionally anymore. He doesn't want to hurt me. He cares about me and wants to support me through any transitions we go through. He will always be there for support. He says things like 'Why not find someone else that can give you what I can't? I'm not that great'. But I love him deeply. He can't feel love anymore.

He wants to live alone, curl up and recover, find himself and his ability to feel again. He's always shut down when stressed, but this is another level. What has happened? Why now?

I've started seeing a psychologist to try cope, I built my life the last 2 years to be with him. I moved from NZ, have no family here. I'm alone. This is really hard. It's like grieving. I wanted to support him, but he wants to be all alone. He doesn't know how long it will take or if he will ever feel like he can emotionally attach again.

What is this and why has it happened? What will his psychologist do? He's seeing her in 3 weeks.. it's such a long time away. How do I act until then? We talk so much about this all and he says he can't describe what it feels like. Just that it feels wrong how his life is currently.

7 Replies 7

LeeA18
Community Member

Hi Kakapo

i am in a similar situation. It is so extremely hard and it can be even harder to understand what is going on. Even sometimes they don’t know what is going on too.

I am slowly coming to terms with my situation. I think the most unselfish thing to do is let them have their space so they can work on themselves. You can be in the background cheering them on, but we can’t fix them. Only they can. If you allow this space, the label of the relationship will be removed and perhaps it will feel less pressure on him.

It’s hard. I absolutely love my ex but I want him to get better even more. It will be confusing for you at times but you will be fine. Keep talking to your psych and reading as much as you can. He might come back to you for support and you have to be in a healthy headspace to do this.

Kakapo
Community Member

It is so hard isn't it, especially when we want to stand by them to support them but they want to be alone 😞

I'm still living with him for now as our circumstances don't really permit us to separate before the end of the lease is up. I'm trying to do my own thing, which seems to help him. He's doing his own thing too.

Did your ex have this happen all of a sudden? I noticed my boyfriend was slowly slipping away from me, and eventually to the point he feels like this. I wonder if a lot of it is low self esteem.

IsaJett
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Kakapo

its important to give him Space and I think doing what you are doing is good . Keep doing your own thing .

its hard to help when they shut you out . So all you can do is listen and say you are there for him . I have found that the harder I try .. they build a higher wall. So just take care of yourself first . It’s ok to feel low at times and it will pass ..it’s like the oceans ...peaks and troughs . And now it’s a trough ..but it will pick up again . It’s good for him to talk about it ..honesty is important in a healthy relationship and don’t take it personal.

LeeA18
Community Member

My ex told me that he was messed up in the head and communicated to me for a week. Then he just spiralled and went off the radar. I called him daily to see how he was but he just couldn’t talk to me. He tried but he just couldn’t. I texted him and he opened up a little bit more that way. There’s a part of me that thinks he came off his meds.

He broke up with me 3 weeks later. We have been in contact and he sends mixed messages. Since going back to just friends, he has opened up more with me. I discovered that he had deep commitment issues and the pressures of the next step in the relationship is what made him like this again. I didn’t pressure him, he put that pressure on himself and was the one who wanted to do it and was pressuring me. I give him space and was contacting him every few days.

I have since gone no contact since last week. I just couldn’t deal with those mixed messages anymore. My mental health had gone downhill.

I thought I understood depression but truly didn’t.

IsaJett
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi lee

i hear you ..it’s hard to understand exactly how they are feeling . And you just do whatever feels right to you . It is important to put yourself first in this instance as well . I feel like we can only try and our best and hope it is enough .

theres not much more you can do but pray that he gets better given time .

keep smiling lee 🙂

Kakapo
Community Member

Thank you Isabel.

I'm finding the prospect of being alone so hard, when November comes around. I've been only with my previous partner and now my current one for the last 10 years. I don't know how to live alone..

I'm hoping so badly that he slips out of this or figures it out with this psychologist and learns to cope/comes to terms with himself. He doesn't know how long it will take. I can't stop loving him, after all the love he gave me. I know he's not the same person now, and he doesn't know if he will be again. It is so hard.

I'm just trying to keep a little hope alive to survive on until he sees his psychologist in 3 weeks.. And before the end of the November rolls around and we have to decide where to live.

He said it's worst case scenario that he wants to be single.. but I am catastrophising and thinking 'Yep we're doomed, that's what's gonna happen' because he's not feeling any better yet (says sometimes it feels worse than usual, it ebbs and flows). Maybe I should make these next 3 months the best damn three months he's ever seen, instead of getting emotional and making him feel worse. I want the strength to pull it together. It's our birthdays next month too and I want to remember it as a happy time.

Kakapo
Community Member

He's just found out today that all the bullying he's been experiencing at work has now resulted in his contract not being renewed.. He's lost his full-time job, with less than a month's notice. They bullied him out by claiming he wasn't being productive enough when he's one of the hardest workers there, but wouldn't be a 'yes man' to their cliques.

This is just terrible.. but kinda good I suppose that he's finally getting away from that toxic workplace. He's really getting hit from every direction though.

I wish I knew the perfect way to support him.