My anxiety pushed my husband away

[Mlkl]

I’ve suffered anxiety for years, though with medication it’s easier to manage.

this year my medication become unavailable. I can’t seem to get on top of anything that works like my regular one did.

I was in my second marriage- 2 kids each. Similar ages-now between 13-15. The start of our relationship was rocky with his kids, there was so much manipulation and jealousy from their mother through his kids. I didn’t handle well and spoke bad of their mum in front of them. After work of keeping this in check and years later things settled and we all had the best family unit!!

My husband had a dream career he always wanted and while we both worked full time, I supported him to be able to do ALL of this. I loved being there by his side helping and sharing the journey. I stood up to pretty much care full time for everyone and take on running the whole house and choirs.

I got to the point though, that I was panicked ALL the time about getting everything done and giving him all he needed. This turned into me yelling ALL the time and taking it out on him. I was drowning and all that was noticed was the way I was treating him.

I have my kids 90% of the time and they help out and care.. we had his 50% and although the kids had amazing bonds, his drove me crazy in the end. They were lazy and so self consumed in only what they wanted and needed I took this out on him also. The respect they had for him was poor.. he knew this, but just wanted his kids to love him. This went on for the most of this year.

So in the end, amongst my yelling and going off, saying I’d get help and telling him I needed help, but just couldn’t pluck the courage when I needed to, he had enough. He left.
I felt so abandoned and hated him so much for leaving, (we had discussions about it being rough and sticking it out and it all getting better). We both swore we were sole mates, each other’s best friends, we had an amazing chemistry! Neither of us had experienced such love!!

2 months on and he says he’s made the right decision to leave, his kids don’t want him unhappy anymore... and I’m now grieving his loss and want it all back.
I was doing awesome the first few weeks, life stopped, and I could breath.

I just can’t move on. I’m seeing a counsellor, and it helps a bit. But I’m still grieving.
After mixed messages from him. I have asked for no contact to heal. He can’t seem to leave me though. He wants contact wants to see the kids, they love catching up, but it’s too hard me.

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to the forums.

please excuse my replying in the order of your post...

firstly, having to change medication can be difficult and frustrating. I am somewhat familiar ... when trying to find the right medication for myself, and watching my dad go through the same recently. It was long(ish) process to work out the right one to use. As much as I still have low periods, once you have one, loathe to go on that journey again. I feel you in when you talk about the difficult here. Have you been able to talk with your GP (or psychiatrist?) here about the medication?

It is also a positive to read you are also seeing a counsellor which seems to be helping. Yay!

In one statement you said you wanted it all back (I assume you are referring to him?) and then wanting no contact to heal. And he can't seem to leave you and at the same time made the right decision. I am a little confused as to what exactly you/he want here...?

had you both considered couple therapy?

Is he aware of the effects the new medication is having on you?

With all of that said, it sound like you are stuck in limbo as where things stand in marriage and (if it were me) thinking or questioning this most of the time. Especially if looking some sort of certainty so you can work out how to move forward. You deserve happiness.

Tim

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for explaining in such detail. It helps.

I've been in 3 step parent situations. A 2-7yo step son, 2 step teenagers and my now wife is step mum to my daughter. Step parenting is- different for everyone, there's no solid guideline, the step parents need to be nurturers often ignoring the inherit negatives of non blood children and the couple need to be very supportive of each other and a fun homemaking mentality, a good blend. Then you have the challenges- like other blood parents input/demands/abrasiveness etc, work pressures- you tried to relive by leaving work etc

Add to all that one party has a mental illness like anxiety and you have a powderkeg. So this all adds up in your case to where you are now- separated. I want you to know that it isnt 100% all your fault. Circumstances as I've listed accounts for most of it. Sadly in a few short years your children and step children would fly the coup and you and hubby would have been alone together with far less pressure.

The grieving process is a long one, just like coping with someone passing away, as you now know I've been through that several times and it doesnt get easier. Time is your friend and you cant rush that. The key is to keep busy...even at night do crosswords, jigsaw, go on line here and read/write...

When you talk to your ex anything you say might not be enough for him. You will need to appreciate his situation. His kids likely are happier due to no conflict and also they have less pressure away from their lazy ways. I have to admit lazy people annoy me a lot (my 1st wife was lazy and I worked 3 jobs so she could be the homemaker and she didnt do that at all either). You problem is that even if you reunite things will go back to how they were - your frustrations and anxiety on top will have you exploding again....it isnt easy to ignore it all and be content.

A few threads below designed to help you read a little about coping with grief. Just need to read the first post of each

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/step-parentin...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[Mlkl]

Sorry, I think my post was a bit all over the shop trying to get it all out.. lol

but I appreciate reply Tim..

having the one medication for years that worked was amazing! Bloody covid and dimensioning stocks!!

Don’t people know that I need them.. lol..

Yes, I want my marriage back, but I also want it back with conditions I guess. I want help with him stepping up with his kids more.

My head is scrambled with what he wants too!! He is adamant it’s a break up. I’ve reached out to him a couple of times to get help to fix things. He says I need to get use to the new situation. I tell him, in order for me to do that, he needs to leave me heal.
Though after a couple of days he always seems to txt about something- just the other day it was about plates I offered him weeks ago. Said if I still have them, can he have them, but if I didn’t he would just go buy some... why would he not just go buy some and leave me alone??

His idea of help is us putting things in place ourselves as we have the last couple of years and it not working. He won’t see anyone. He says it’s all on me to fix myself, I need to do this for me!!
he can’t take being put down anymore, or walking on eggshells as to when I might blow up again...

My counsellor has used the word narcissist quite a few times.. part of me thinks I’m getting played, and the other part is missing the hell out of him!!

[Mlkl]

Thanks tony, you’re absolutely spot on!

I think that’s part of my problem in letting go. I love this guy more then I’ve loved anyone, I just can’t go back to the extra challenges of his kids and them not caring about anything, their dad included.
I overstepped the Mark of the step parent there and parented them as my own, wanted them to have the values and helpfulness that mine have. I felt I was the only one raising them all in our house.

Thanks for the links! I’ll give them a read.. x