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My anxiety is destroying our relationship

Community Member

Hi all

I normally scroll through the partners and support side of the forums as my boyfriend has severe depression.

Unfortunately I have not coped well, and the very mild anxiety I've always had has become so much worse.

It started with me just getting sad. Often. Thinking he didn't want me anymore, didn't enjoy spending time with me.

Then I found him in a lie. His friend was taking him out for a surprise outing for his birthday.

Wrong. He arranged the whole night, his friend had no idea what they were up to. And I was specifically not invited and lied to about it.

Shortly after that we both had a big break down where he asked to stay at a male friends house 1-2 nights a week.

It ended up being 3 weeks in total, and during that time I found out he was staying with a female friend. Single. Only known her for this year.

Since all of this, my thoughts have been so destructive. I keep trying to prove that he doesn't want me, that he doesn't love me.

He gets hurt by this. Wants me to trust in him.

Then Friday I tried to prove my thoughts by accessing his ipad. I failed to unlock it and he found out. I then lied.

Prior to this, I thought and had convinced everyone I was doing ok. My thoughts weren't super bad, it was just minor situational anxiety.

I couldn't lie to him. I told him how bad I really am, and what I did.

I am now so torn. He is hurt. So very hurt. And he doesn't seem understand anxiety at all. Keeps telling me to stop thinking these thoughts.

But he's also been so sweet. He is worried I want to hurt myself. Has been even more affectionate than normal (well, going back to our normal level that is, affection dropped off a bit prior to all this).

I have promised to tell my therapist everything I'm going through. To talk to him about my thoughts when they first happen.

But I can't help being scared. What if he isn't dealing with this? What if this just eats him up inside and festers away?

I still feel guilty. So guilty at what I did. At how much I hurt him. I don't know how to move past this, to stop these thoughts from taking over. I never want to betray him like this again.

1 Reply 1

Community Member

Hi Avier. Welcome here. You said you feel guilty for hurting your bf, betraying his trust by trying to access his ipad. I think I'd be inclined to say I don't blame you. The initial betrayal comes from him. He arranged to go a party, minus you, then arranged to stay with a female friend. All this behind your back, and you apologise for betraying him. I would say, he's using his depression, plus your anxiety against you, to make you feel guilty and it's working. Depression or not, I'd be inclined to sit him down and have a talk with him about who's betraying who. I would tell him you feel anxious because of what's been happening and ask him whether he wants to continue with you. From where I'm sitting, he sounds as though he's looking for a reason to end the relationship. You are entitled to know whether he wants to and if you want to know why, ask him. I also feel he's being sweet because he's been caught out. Sorry, but I can't get past the feeling he's lying to you, then trying to placate you so he can continue with his lie. I hope I'm wrong, but he seems to want his cake etc. He spent 3 weeks with another woman, he's extremely lucky you forgave him. You deserve to be loved and I don't think you are.