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My adult son......
beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.
Hi Leablundy, thanks for your post. Let's take some time out for your self first. You do have a lot to deal with here so before we start to go through that I would like you to get some quality relaxing you time. OK that may not be easy if your son is in the next room and you're worried what he's up to next.
Bear with me though. I can clearly see how much you love him and want to help, but you won't get much further until you build up your own healing energy. How old is your other son? Does he have any influence on your 21 year old? Also, when you say "He blames everyone for his situation", is that your husband or your son?
I strongly suggest you find a way to step back for the moment. I think you'll agree that it's not going to make the situation any worse. You need your husband on your side. How would he react if he saw this posting? Of course this is strictly confidential, but I'm interested in understanding what level of support and commitment he's prepared to give. Try to get him and you on the same page with a strategy to move your 21 year old into a mature positive mindset. Is he still on the drugs and, more importantly, is he still a risk for self harm?
So, while we work through these, you must take some time to yourself. Can you ask your husband to watch him for a weekend while you re-charge yourself? Is that practical?
I am a mother of a son who also had a drug and anger issue, and he has also spent 22 months in prison for a crime related to his drug/anger issues.
I feel your pain and frustration at trying to help your son who fights your every wish to help him, has your son been actually diagnosed with a medical condition? or is his behaviour just related to the drug use? sometimes hard to distinguish between the two.
The self harm is the physical way they release the "pain", so I would guess this young man has some deep issues that he needs to deal with, easier said than done I know ....but he needs to come to the realisation of his issues himself.
I know the struggle of a parent watching your child spiral downwards and no matter what you do or say it doesn't seem to register with them, the heartache of not being able to stop them when they clearly cannot control their own behaviour .
My son finally hit rock bottom when he was incarcerated.... but it took him away from the bad influences and the drugs, it was the worst experience of my life but.....it saved his.
He even said to me once clean and sober, no one could have told him what to do in the middle of his addiction , you don't care what people think or say, its all about getting the drug high and escaping life.
I would say your son is still using ...money is no object there are plenty of way to get drugs, his anger suggests he is still uncontrollable, I have seen it all before.
But my advice would be don't parent him out of guilt and don't enable him, love him always but set boundaries for him and don't tolerate his bad behaviour, he needs to know exactly where he stands with you and for you to stand strong.
My son has been out of prison for 5 months now and is a changed man, he has told me he is so grateful I stood by him but didn't allow my love for him to enable him, or put up with abuse of any kind, drugs cloud the thinking processes and it takes about 12 or so months to truly clear their system.
Every situation is different but you also need to look after yourself, your husband and your other son, tell your son you love him and will always be there for him, but he cannot treat you all badly, or there will be consequences, sometimes they need to hit rock bottom before they can get better.
- Thank you for sharing your story, let me begin by saying my son doesn't actually leave the house unless with myself, he spends all day everyday shut inside his room. He isn't doing drugs and hasn't had any in almost 12mths. He was angry even before he began to use, the drugs actually made him calm and a totally different kid. He was normal for us anyway. I hate admitting it but he was a better person smoking weed, but we will not tolerate it in our home or lives. We are very firm with him honesty has always been upfront in our home. Both our boys were brought up to always be upfront about feelings and if they had a problem we would always try to solve it as a family. Now my oldest is fine tells me what I need to know and thats great as he is a man now with a partner and his own place, so needs to confide in his partner if needed but he is a laid back relaxed person who always tried to resolve any issue with talk and logic. My youngest resorts to violence so is completely opposite. I have told them everyday of their lives I loved them no matter what, and I still do. The youngest just doesn't want to deal with anything seems to want others to fix it for him. All the Dr's we have seen over the years up until he was deemed an adult just palmed it off to being naughty.