My 15yr old daughter won't come homehomel

Georgiegirl · ‎31-12-2017

Last time I saw my daughter was 6 weeks ago. Her behaviour is out of control. She is abusive physically verbally emotionally. After swearing at me one too many times I took her phone. She had me up against a wall biting me and left bruising and possibly a torn rotor cuff. She went to her Grans. Problem is Gran rewards her for her behaviour. For example if I take the internet Gran gives it to her. I ground her from her music night and Gran takes her anyway. I am really depressed and have severe anxiety. I can't get help. Its fight flight FROZEN. I cant go out in a small town and she's told everyone I've been abusing her. The school counselor apparently told her she can get centrelink when she turns 16 and can leave. She stole jewellery I bought for Christmas presents, money, my makeup and goodness knows what else. Please, any ideas. Gran has been asked not to do this and send her home and she won't listen.

demonblaster · ‎01-01-2018

Hi Georgie

This is such a worry for you I really am sorry you're going through this

Do you think talking to your GP, they might be able to put you onto someone that can help
Also do you see anyone as in counselor or psychologist, this would be heart wrenching on top of the depression & anxiety you suffer. I hope you have some support.
You always have here to voice your feelings & if you want to talk to someone tel:1300224636 (BB).

So hard when her Nan's doing opposite to what you're doing, is there anyone else in your family that she can relate too.

Does she go to school?

I was a horror not physically but verbally, so much anger & frustration, undiagnosed BP & the teens they're horrid yrs but all through this I always loved my parents & had so much guilt associated with how I was treating them. (wasn't a horror all the time)

Deep down she'd know you love her but atm whatever it is that's pulling her down is too big for her alone to deal with. One consolation is she's safe & you know where she is.

I really do feel for you, hope you're comfortable to talk more when you're up to it Georgie

quirkywords · ‎01-01-2018

Georgiegirl welcome to the forum.

This is a safe, friendly supportive and nonjudgmental place. It is hard to write one's first post and share your story.

DB has written a helpful reply.

It must be so difficult for you with your anxiety and depression to have this conflict with your daughter. You lover her so much but are confused and hurt by her behaviour.

I was wondering if your daughter's out of control behaviour is recent.

If it is recent behaviour has something happened recently that may affect her behaviour.

Is she always full on, or does she have times when is sad and unmotivated.

If it is ok with you I would like to know.

Like DB I was out of control as a teenager with undiagnosed bipolar and then in denial about bipolar, I hardly went to school, was rude and lied to my parents I would run away, I stole things. I was verbally aggressive to everyone .

I too loved my parents but felt they were trying to control me. Years later when I finally accepted I was ill I felt so guilty for what I put my parents through.

It is so hard being a teen with all the changes going on physically, emotionally and psychologically. Sometimes people take out their frustrations on someone very close to them because they feel they will still be loved no matter what they do. How does your daughter behave with other people?

If I had nearby and younger grandparents I would have gone to them.

It is hard for you because grandparents and grandchildren have a special relationship and you don't know what your daughter is telling your mother.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Quirky

Georgiegirl · ‎01-01-2018

Thank you. You have brought tears that have been waiting. I had to drive today and much churned thru my mind.

I am glad she went somewhere safe and thankfully going to school. I'm upset because Gran has always been like this telling her to lie to me & did things to upset me & often wouldn't return her. Grans health is poor & doesnt look after herself. Previous to this disappearance was gone a month and rang hysterical. Gran had infected leg & started fitting and my 'she' child was terrified. She was told Gran was too unwell to care for her& couldn't stay by family but neither listened. Its hard to be near Gran as she is so rude & opinionated, says nasty things about others in earshot. Its hard because the things I refuse to do for my little 'she' to teach her responsibility, Gran does for her in spite. She is actually my mother in law. I have no family contact.

I have a wonderful GP who really cares & seen me at my worst. He says the same thing. They take it out on me because they trust me and know they are safe. I see him monthly atm.

GP & I discussed bipolar so thank you for the connection. But unable to get her there because she wont come home. Very unmotivated & wants to be alone & stay in her room. Then she is overly happy & silly. Grand plans, then gives up. She speaks rudely to most. A chronic liar for no reason. I only ask for the truth. I don't punish her for it, its important to me. My rules are fairly simple & represent basic morals.

Sometimes loving, kind & thoughtful but moments are few & far between now.

She has always had these traits but 12 months ago started getting worse. Some ideas dont make sense like 'You bully Dad. You wait til I go to sleep so I don't know'

I have OCD PTSD Fibromyalgia & arthritis & cant take antidepressants as I develop bipolar/psychosis. Had bad experiences getting help/health.

My 'she' child calls me names starting with c, s, b, 'the only thing I'm good at is s/d'. Slams doors, terrifies the dog with outbursts. Verbal abuse sets off my ptsd as did my sons voice as he became a man. He gets angry when stressed but Nothing like my 'she' child. She wont wash her hands and touches food, me &my face.

I heard she came back today but not a word has been spoken. I'm not sure where from here. Im away a week.

Im sad angry hurt. My emotions are too big they scare me & she doesnt get it. I want her home. I am usually able to guide my kids thru life well. I feel helpless, can't move forward.

Support is muchly appreciated Gg

Georgiegirl · ‎01-01-2018

Thanks Demonblaster. My reply was intended inclusively to both you and quirky. I hope I've expressed how grateful I am to you both.

One other question if I may ask, at what age do these traits usually become noticeable and do they intensify as a child grows up?

Can you recognize it within yourself from when you were very young?

Thanks GeorgieG

demonblaster · ‎02-01-2018

Hey Georgie

Thanks darl yeah I've been reading all replies 🙂

Yeah I knew when I was old enough to be self aware I guess that I was different from most, louder, more out there kinda and read it's common in teens to come on & another age later but can't remember but can anytime

Yes intensify, & when I stopped work the cycles came on more often, work being a distraction I guess, still had them & also after loss of partner come on more often. Major stres/ trauma can bring it on too

Wow what a roar deal with MIL, doesn't help just fuels it all by the sounds, what a shame it has to be like that.

You've got hard health to be dealing with, sil has fibromyalgia I've started learning about it.
Of course you're feeling sad, angry & hurt, this is a hard ride. I hope your time away gives you some breathing space & recouping you so need.

Going to be quite a challenge getting her to the Doc which she needs to get a diagnosis and help happening.

I'm glad you're GP is so lovely, yeah ditto, wondering if you think you might benefit too from seeing a psych or counsellor, you've got so much on.

You're doing your best by your kids, clear to see you love them

Georgiegirl · ‎04-01-2018

Thanks demonblaster, its been a couple of days and yes I'm starting to calm down having some distance. I hoped it worked that way that she came home to settle in while I was away. I'm scared to go home in Sunday but her Dad is better able to settle her while Im here.

I've booked an appt with GP on 11 jan and myself the week after. Thoughts were to ask for a mental health care plan for her and referral. The good thing is the background work with GP has already been done.

It must be hard for my little 'she' child to understand my health problems although I try to do as much for her as I can even with the pain.

Your help is appreciated. My mind felt like it was imploding. My 'he' is so very understanding. He is 19 and I've taught him about who I am as he's grown up. He now ha s the maturity to accept it. I am blessed.

Take care and thanks

demonblaster · ‎04-01-2018

yw Georgie 🙂 thx

Couple of plusses happening, glad the time aways settling you a bit, you need to be able to breath

Glad the 19 yo understands, how does she get on with him, does she look up to him with luck
and the GP background stuff in place that'll help, good luck with your app too.

Maybe in one of her good times (I know there's not a lot these days) you could try to get her on board to do the MH care plan stuff. The downs last a lot longer than the highs in my experience, up to 3 times longer or more sometimes.

She'd know you love her and underneath her fury she'd love you too

Glad you're getting some down time x

Georgiegirl · ‎05-01-2018

Hope you all had a good day....

No she doesn't look up to he.

The he and she are like chalk and cheese. He is everything she isn't and she is everything he isn't. So lots of resentment. She is really nasty to he.

Lots of down. Very little up. She and he are great mates when she is up.

I spoke to a counselor who said call police, she is dangerous. It's the last thing I think I should do. I need her to trust me to get her help.

Counselor said practice mindfulness. Mindfulness reminds me how awful anxiety really feels.

Still need ideas how to stay calm when I return... please

Georgiegirl · ‎05-01-2018

Quick question DB. Who is SIL?