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My 11week old baby is like my security blanket
Life has a way if bunching up sometimes. I feel like I've been slammed from all directions. I know there are so many out there way worse than I am though. I've always been strong on the outside.
We have thus beautiful 11 week old baby however I was terribly sick after she was born and it took it out if me emotionally and physically. Bubby struggled to settle as my milk supply was affected so we had some sleepless nights.
During this time my hubby was spending most of the nights in our other daughter's room. He had started a habit of falling asleep in there when putting her to bed. He also said he was able to get more comfortable on her bed with his knees.
Both of the girls got a head cold a couple of weeks later and hubby had gone back to work.
The 3yo was in love with the baby but would not leave her alone. She would constantly wake her and at times would be too rough. This is still going on. When I rouse and tell her not to do something she becomes more determine mist if the time. The other night she deliberately hit her sister (not as hard as she cold have) when we said it was time to stop playing and time to go to bed. I am really struggling to help calm the situation and help the 3yo adjust. She does adore her sister but I think she'll enjoy her more when she's running around. She just started with a day care mum once a week and absolutely loved it.
When hubby was home he was moody, cranky and withdrawn. He wasn't taking his tablets which help him with this. Then I found out he'd been in contact with all these other women overseas. Sharing intimate photos, video calls, phone calls and caring loving words and sending money. Its been going on for a long time and this is not the first time he's done this sort of thing. This was happening all the time even the day our daughter was born. His moodiness was also an indication if what he was doing and I'd asked him but he'd denied it until I accidentally found out.
Meanwhile he had not touched me. Not a hug to reassure me or even to physically be there when I was so sick and our daughter was awake through the night. He'd fall asleep at the drop of a hat yet could have an hour long chat online at 1am.
my sister in law has a 8wo baby and I seen a message from my mum yesterday to her saying she was sorry she couldn't visit her more and help her so she can rest and telling her not to worry about the house work.
My 2 girls get sick with the weather. But no matter how broken I feel I always smile with my baby
Wow, what a story you have to share, I am very sorry about all the bad stuff that has been happening with your husband, that is just fair to you at all. You seem to have been dealing with so much at the moment and I am sure this is the last thing you needed, you must be quite strong to hold up a you are which is a testament to you. What's happening with you and your husband now that you have found this out and as you said, it has happened before? Is there a possibility for marriage counselling as I feel you both need to work together on this.
I know you have been slammed from all directions but you are still standing and that is great, it should how strong you are, have you ever considering just yourself going to the GP and possibly trying to get a referral to speak to a psychologist? I feel they may benefit you to have someone to talk through all of this with, a trained professional. They simply allow you to tell them what is happening and they try to interpret it in a way to help you understand everything. They can be quite beneficial to your mental health. Please don't discredit how you are feeling too, other people may be worse but you feel how you feel and your problems are just as valid as the next person.
How can we also help you on these forums? Are you just after people to speak too or advice? Just want to make sure we are giving you the best help we can.
Please also remember you can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss anything you are feeling.
My best for you,
My hubby wants us to stay together and has been more helpful with the girls. He has been less closed off. All of which has been really lovely but he is still not being intimate and loving to where I'd like at the moment.
If I'm crying he'll just rub my shoulder and say "I love you darlin" He has erectile distinction and has had since we met 10 years ago.
He s been taking his tablets as well which helps. Its 3 weeks since I found out.
We have counselling this Tuesday. I feel extremely torn between wanting to stay and feeling I should leave. I don't know that he thinks of me in a sexual way. I also think this other women thing is an addiction. He calls it a bit of fun and lied plenty to them but also said wonderful things to them which my hearts been craving to hear.
Id appreciate advice, ideas and opinions from on here. Sometimes just having someone to talk to us helpful and getting the perspective of other people might just give me some direction or understanding to help me clear the fog.
These 2 beautiful girls are my love at the moment. My heart just pouts in to them. My 3yo behaviour is just so sad as I feel like I'm going mad on her so much. Sunday was better though. She's a bit sick so we spent the afternoon cuddling watching a movie together. I also went and seen my dad very quickly with just her and left bubby asleep at home with my hubby. She really felt special.
They are both sick again with congested noses and cough. Poor hubby had vomiting and diarrhea all day. Was quite unwell.
Anyway baby's asleep and so should I be.
I understand, it does sound like your husband is good with the kids, the relationship needs work but then again most people's do and I think it is great you are seeing the counsellor. That is always my first suggestion before breaking up to many people on here, have you seen the counsellor before or is it a new thing for you both? I can see how you are torn but you do need to make a decision that is in the best interest of your whole family and of course yourself, it does sound like you still care for him which is good to read as some other people wouldn't be as open minded to keep working to make it better. I understand also that you are craving the attention he is giving these other people and I am hoping the counsellor will be able to get through to him about that.
I always believe you should fight especially when you have a family, a young family at that, relationships always have bumps along the way and riding them out and seeing them through only see's to further strengthen your relationship if you can come through it.
Hopefully the whole family gets better as well to make it a little bit easier, it is hard when the whole family is unwell at once.
Thank you Jay. We have tried counselling with another time but the counsellor was not very helpful. We had a joint session and an individual session each and all he mainly talked about was my Hubby's low testosterone.
I have seen the counsellor we will be seeing previously and feel there is a good chance it will help. I'm hopeful the female dynamic might be more useful but I'm not sure.
I do love him very much. There were times where I thought about getting some physical intimacy outside of our marriage but always came back to my hubby being who I want. I also know it would have put an end to our marriage because my affection would end up being somewhere else. I mean the thought of someone saying all those sweet things to me would have been beautiful. And someone behaving like I was worth getting undressed for and basically "wanting" me wonderful. But I always come back to wanting to live my life with my hubby and longing for some of these things from him. We went almost 2 years without intimate touch.
I talked to him about the risks it places on relationships when you take your affection outside if it but he obviously doesn't see it.
We have talked a lot about what he needs and how he feels. He had said he just doesn't think about it. Well now that's proven wrong. Now he says its because of his erectile dysfunction which has been from the start of our relationship. I did ask him years ago if he thought we'd ever be physically intimate again and he told me we would. I just really want an honest relationship with him. We can't do this unless he is.
Salt in to the wound though with these other women. Even if it was lies he spoke so loving to them and sexy. This last pregnancy has taken its toll on my body. Because of my age we had IVF and I was put in steroids. I put in 30kg by 12weeks. I was terribly unwell until I came off of them. I was already overweight but i lost 2kg before bub was born. I suffered bad nausea and heartburn the whole way through but other than not being able to stand for long not really anything else. I got a bad cough about midway and the strain of coughing with the pregnancy tore my stomach wall around my belly button. I now have a hernia as a result. I also have piles and a prolapse from pregnancies. I've had 9 all together.
The worst was an ectopic where it burst. I lost over 3l of blood and got transfusions. The piles happened as a result and flared up again in this one. A few loving words from him would mean so much right now.
Wow, you really have dealt with it all, it is quite astounding actually. So much can be made better with just feeling loved and like we are wanted by our loved ones. We see many people come on the forums with marriage issues and one thing I find most couples struggle with is seeing a counsellor and the fact your husband is willing too again is a good sign and hopefully this counsellor will be able to make in roads with your relationship and hopefully open your husbands eyes up and focus them back onto you. You are very resilient and the fact you know what you want and that being your husband even after what has happened shows how true your heart is. I have a feeling your husband will realise all of this, he just needs to be guided and as much as we wish we could get through to our own partners, sometimes they really need to hear it from an outside source being the counsellor. Just need to treat the counsellor as a very positive move for your relationship and that you want to re-build it and get it back to where you know it can be.
Keep your head up as much as you can, through it all, you still have your kids to keep smiling for.
Thank you so much Jay. You are very right about the being loved part. We had our first counselling session today and I'm feeling positive about it. I think my hubby is too. He said straight out he wants to save our marriage and doesn't want to loose me.
We've spent the rest of the day/night up the hospital with miss 3yo. She had vomited all day and couldn't keep anything down. She was extremely unwell. Hubby was so supportive. When I was busy with 3yo and doctor he took care of 11wo and when I had to feed 11wo he looked after 3yo. She is really good again now but my heart swelled when I heard him reassuring her and encouraging her.
He was that beautiful man I fell in love with.
That is amazing to read and I am very happy that the first counselling session went well and the fact your husband has said he wants to save the marriage is amazing as well.
Hopefully the 3 year old is feeling better soon but it does make it easier that he was looking after the other two kids while you were tending to her.
Sounds like you are both on the same page and that is the best thing.
Thanks again Jay. We have the two girls so he was looking after the unwell one while I had to breastfeed the baby. I had to sit outside of the treatment room and I could hear him encouraging her, reassuring her and chatting with her as she started to feel better.
After we got home and got the girls inside, I was organising things and he just came up to me and gave me a hug and said "I love you my beautiful angel." And gave me a kiss on the cheek. (He's still unwell) It meant a lot to me.
That is just great to read. I am glad you are in a better space now.