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Much needed third party advice...trust in relationship

Community Member
Been together 11yrs. He used to dote on me. No sex or any affection (hugs) last 5 yrs.
His computer history shows dating sites etc. He denies, says don't know how they show that
Have heard conversations of his mates running me down
Tried so many times to address all of this with him. He just denies it all and days he loves me

Not a fool but my question is, why doesn't he just break it off, instead off living a lie, loveless relationship.
2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

What I've developed over many years is to refrain from questioning other peoples actions and thoughts and rely on my own needs and actions. Eg I would not be concerned over why he doesnt "just break it off", he could have many reasons like financial, homey environment, family etc. I would rather concentrate on my own happiness instead.

If not happy I'd pursue counseling or hiring a PI or talking to his mates if the chance arrives. Certainly I'd take action base don those results.

I did have a step son once that had a computer and a drug site appeared on the screen when I was using his computer. I started an argument over it. A few weeks later a similar site arrived on my computer. I had to humbly apologise. That's computers for you. So just be careful.

However, you should be able to gain full access to his computer/mobile phone etc and be free to check of any activity, payments, phone records etc. If he hides these then you might well have a hidden problem.

I wish you well


Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello Caz1967,

I'm really sorry to hear you are in this situation with him. It really sounds like you're trying to just get to the resolution, but he's evading it. It must feel terrible to have to live what feels like a lie.

As TonyWK mentioned, it can sometimes help to just focus on yourself and what you want, when the other person is not reciprocating. You could run yourself in circles trying to chase him down and work out what he wants, if he's not willing to share.

Would you want to bring these questions to a head? He may deny everything, but you deserve a life where you don't have to evade the truth to appease him.