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My 6 year relationship has finally ended, I had been unhappy in it the whole time. But I got pregnant after 7 months of meeting him (at 18 years old, when you think your in love and think you know the person, you make decisions without thinking about the long term consequences).
So throughout the start of our relationship and for the first couple of years I spent my energy trying to change his perspective on things and teach him how I’d like to be treated as he was very disrespectful and immature when we first met and I wouldn’t settle for that or for our baby. I was lucky that he did become better in some ways, he became more loving, affectionate and a bit more respectful towards me. However, while I was pregnant, at some stage, I felt my feelings for him were deteriorating and it was causing me anxiety because I didn’t want to feel like this, I wanted to be a happy family and for things to work. I become more and more unhappy and less and less attracted to him.
Our first break up was when our son was about 14 months old, but it only lasted a week or two before we got back together, we never moved back in together after that but this cycle went on, up until recently. Every time we split up, it was me telling him I don’t love him and I need to let him go because it’s killing me. He deserves to be loved and I can’t give that to him and I can’t force my feelings anymore because it’s hurting me.
It was hard letting go of each other because we had a son together and he brought us together in ways. We shared something very special. Despite of me not loving him he just would not let go. It was and still is most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced. I realise now it was causing me so much distress that it had a huge impact on my anxiety and depression & I was not able to grow in life. I was so stuck. It got to the point where I would shut down around him, I couldn’t talk, I was bitter and anxious all the time when I was with him. Finally he started realising that we are not going to work & got sick tired of it. He has only just moved on with someone else. I’m glad he’s moved on because it means I can now let go too and be free... well, sort of.
Now comes the part where he hates me because he’s met someone else, and must see me as a threat because I’m the full time carer of our son and wants to take over and have some more control.
So lately I’m full of anxiety and stress. I just want things to work out and not to be brought down by him.
Just to add: he is allowed to see his son. I would not try to take that away when they have a great bond and he is a decent father. However I am a very protective mother and I don’t think he likes this. He contacted a family dispute centre and I got a letter from them. I’m not sure what he’s trying to do or if it’s just because he doesn’t want to deal with it together. Should I be so worried about this?
Hi LisaC, welcome
There is reason for concern. You say you are a very protective mother. This can be read by some to mean that you desire to restrict the childs father to access or a little less input. If so, this isnt right. What if he is a very protective father?
Mothers and fathers are equal parents. Both can be as influential as the other. If he senses he is being thought of as less important he could easily get angry. That doesnt serve your child well.
Communication isnt often good between separated parents. You can change that. You'll need to place more faith in him as a dad and let go a bit with your possessiveness of your child. Be a friendly person without being friends, encourage him to ring you or his child anytime. Develop a special link between you both, work together in sharing your child. Meet over a coffee on occasions and discuss your little one. Draw a line however in the time frame.
Thankyou for your honesty and well written letter.