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Moving on from a messy situation
It’s been two months since breaking up with her and I’m struggling to move on, I don’t like to admit it but I still want to be with her. We had been together for over three years. I think about her daily. What is she doing right now? Has she moved on from me? Is she dating? How is she feeling? Does she think about me?
5-6 months ago we broke up for a couple of weeks and got back together for a couple weeks, then went on a break for a couple months and then got back together for a couple weeks and then broke up. During the break she was sexually intimate with another person, which to me felt like she cheated on me. We never really spoke about what the break entailed, I just thought it was a given that when you go on a break that you refrain from doing that stuff until you've come to a decision. It hurt me a lot. The most recent time we broke up was mainly because she said that she was really weak minded and didn’t want to hurt me, though at that moment of time she wanted to be in a relationship, so it was hard for both of us. Clearness is something I needed from a relationship, and I don’t regret that we broke up. I said mainly but there is also the fact that she may still of had feelings for another person. That was the factor that initiated the first break up we had from several months back. She hadn’t talked to him for a couple of months so I think she was uncertain what she felt for him? ( btw this is a different person of who she was intimate during the break. Often I try to remind myself of why we broke up in the first place. But there’s a problem with this strategy, because it makes me also think “what if.” What if she no longer has feelings for that person? What if she can see things clearer now and wants to be in a relationship with me again?
I used to create discussions inside me head where I would reject her after asking to be in a relationship again due to feeling bitter and not in control.
I’m going to a psychologist. I’m also going for anxiety and self esteem related issues, which is what we’ve mostly been discussing of late during our sessions. I think maybe part of the reason why I have this compulsion when it comes to my ex is that my current life is kinda empty. I don’t have a job, I currently volunteer at an op shop in town two days a week. As of now I don’t really find much meaning in everyday life. I know in the moments when I do find meaning my mind feels a lot more free and doesn’t get these obtrusive thoughts about my ex.
I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum, it can be hard to make that first post, however it's a pretty good move, sometimes others have been there too, sometimes others give an outside perspective.
You told of having an on-again off-again relationship during whch time she became involved with two other people. In addition you do not really say that you both set out ground rules.
Now it is over but you miss it -a lot, as anyone would. It is only natural when a person has been such a large part of your life and the loss, grief and "what if's" keep on going. So too with those imaginary dialogues. I don't know why we have them but we do.
I know for me a relationship has to be long-term, stable and built on trust, with an ability to talk over the hard parts. It also needs respect, being told she would stay becuse she was weak is hardly that. There was no real stability, trust or reliability either
Keeping your mind occupied, the only viable thing to help you change your preoccupation, is hard at the moment, though you do volunteer -which is great. I suspect you agree about occupation, after all you do say:
I know in the moments when I do find meaning my mind feels a lot more free and
doesn’t get these obtrusive thoughts about my ex.
So I guess the more you can get outside your existing circle the better, I do not know if that means more volunteering or something else.
I'm please you are seeing medical help, while it may only be partially related to this ended relationship it is sensible and can give hope and a feeling of being understood - I should know.
Actually I think you suspect the relationship issue is more clear cut than your title suggests. If you would like to keep talking here I'd like that
Thanks for the welcome and reply Croix. : )
Technically we were an on again off again relationship, but it always felt we were in a gray area until this most recent split.
It's good to know other people have these kind of internal dialogues too. I felt uneasy because I was having them often, thankfully they have begun to subside. They tend to make me feel resentful, which is a feeling I don't like to ruminate in.
The relationship was not stable, and I'm able to recognise that I'm in a better place now that it has ended. Some days are worse than others when it comes to the grief. Moving on is the tricky part for me, I think its because part of me wants to hold onto the idea that we will get back together.
Keeping my brain occupied with doing things outside my existing circle does help, though I have pretty bad anxiety so I tend to have a short limit when it comes to that kinda thing. For a couple of weeks I've been going to the gym almost every day with my brother which has been good, I tend to struggle to maintain following an exercise regimen when on my own.
I think my main issue in regards to the break up is me not being able to move on. I tell myself that's what I want to do, but its not how I really feel.
Sorry for the delay getting back to you.
The only thing I thought when i read your last post was that it was pretty sensible, except twice you mentioned "moving on" . I'm not sure things happen that way.
Something that causes grief, loss, loneliness, even resentment to the extent this has is not just going to disappear, and in fact if you are like me it would be something I'd always remember. Even so as other things come into your life it will assume less importance, until one day you can look back on it calmly, and maybe with minor regret.
So it is living now that is important, maybe more volunteering, maybe something else, but trying for a life that is full. You won't succeed straight off, but it will come. Incidentally I would most certainly be resentful, I do not think you have been treated that well.
The idea of getting back together might sound OK, however if you look at it the same shortcomings and uncertainties that made it an unsettled relationship in the first place would no doubt reemerge, so you would go though the whole thing again. I'm sure you have thought of this already. Loneliness tends to make one overlook problems.
The gym with your brother sounds good. Are there other areas you can look into?