Moving interstate without adult children.

[Sally73]

Hello, I have a really hard decision to make and it's tearing me apart!
I have 3 grown up daughter's 27, 23, 18. The 27year old has moved states, the 23 year old spends 2 days a week with me, the rest of her time with partner, 18year old spends 90%Of her time with her partner. I'm lonely, so lonely, I've lost a job I adored and feeling very lost. 9 months ago I met an amazing guy who lives in a dif state... we meet up every 2 weeks for a week or more and are totally in love. He is my soul mate. My question is, do I stay for my Adult children or move states to be with a man who loves me and treats me like his princess. I've been a mum since 18 and feel like I'm abandoning them! But I'm so depressed and lonely.

[Betternow]

Hi Sally

Your question is quite common and answers and opinions will differ according to our own life experience. My wife and I have four children, the youngest is 38 the oldest is 46. Not one of them live in our state. Its been like this for 20 years. It’s not ideal because we don’t get to see our grandchildren as much as would like.

We once made the mistake of trying to move closer to one of the adult kids and then she moved again, not to get away from us, but to take up a job opportunity. Similar things have also happened to some friends. What we learnt from this expensive mistake is that your children will make decisions based on what’s best for them and at this stage of your life, you should too.

I know your situation is slightly different, but my advice is to live your life. You sound like you’ve been a great mother, your kids will live their own lives regardless of your decision. You don’t want to go into the last phases of your life carrying regrets over missed opportunities. There are no guarantees in life but if everything with your fellow is as you say it is, follow your heart. Good luck.

[Sally73]

Thank you so much for your reply!
And thank you for your kind words!
I've sat my daughter's down to discuss it at length but the 23 year old feels like I'm abandoning her!.. She has had problems with lots of anxiety in the past but now has a very supportive partner and openly says if she could work in a dif state she would, or would move to USA if she could.. but I guess once a mum always a mum 🙄

[quirkywords]

Sally welcome to the forum which is a supportive and friendly place.

Your thread title interested me as it is a topic I think about.

Betternow has given you suggestions based on experience and common sense.

t one time I had two children overseas and one child in a distant state.

Now I have 3 of them in the same state but a distance away and in 3 different places.

too know people who have stayed to be with adult children and then children leave or move to be close and then the children move.

You will always be close to your children and maintain a relationship.

I am sure your children want to see you happy and a happy mum makes a happy family.

Maybe your 23 year old may need frequent visits until she gets comfortable with the idea.

If you want to, let us know how you are going.

Quirky

[Sally73]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I'm still questioning myself, on if it makes me a bad mum to move!... I've been a mum since 18years old... we also emigrated from the UK, so have no family here!.. I want so much to be happy and be with this beautiful man but how do I neglect my children to do it!!!!!

Sally x

[Birdy77]

Hello Sally,

You are a loving and considerate Mum.


You have been a Mum since you were 18, which is your entire adult life, and so, you are used to putting your own needs behind those of your offspring.

So, now, with the opportunity to do something for yourself, putting your own needs first, would of course feel very strange for you.

But it is time!!

You were at the end of adolescence when you became a mother, and your needs and desires have taken a back seat for all these decades.

Not anymore. Your offspring are now adults! and it's your turn.

I know what you are saying, that you never stop being a mother, but having raised your kids, and dedicated your life to that, now you can make some decisions that don't revolve around their wants.

If you decide to stay, for the sake of your 23 yr old, for instance, in 6 months time, she may up and leave interstate or overseas and then you may have missed your chance.

I can relate to your daughter, when i was 23, my Mum wanted to move interstate, and i desperately wanted her to stay. But she went and it was the right thing for her to do. (She became a Mum at 20yrs old) I just didn't want to let go of the apron strings. I would have moved away eventually (and i did, about 2 months later!!) and my siblings were settled elsewhere.

I am glad she didn't stick around just because i wanted her to stay. It was her turn to make her own choices and i am proud of her that she did.

You have raised strong daughters. They will be fine.

This is Your Time.

❤

🌻birdy

[Sally73]

Wow I could kiss you haha,

What can I say, What a beautiful reply!

2.30am here in Adl and I was laid awake yet again thinking over my dilemma.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for sharing your own experiences with me.

You were the third to reply and the third to tell me to fly so to speak. I think I have to do it or regret not doing!.. once again thank you so much for the support.

Sally

[stevebraveheart67]

Hi Sally, wondering how you went. I am in a very similar situation with my 19 year old son.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Sally73,

I love the responses below as these beautiful community members have been trying to give you amazing advice. 
I think we live in times when job opportunities make us move and sometimes undergo pretty drastic changes. And everyone or most, seems to understand this and sort of even get used to. 
A good thing about these days is the technology and ways of communication. We can be at two different parts of the world and chat on various apps every day for as long as we wish. You will never abandon your children. If you choose to make a move and do something for yourself, you will be still supporting them as much as you wish, but the only difference will be - not in person but via whatever app and chat. I have been communicating like this with my mother for years. It's not ideal but then we all get busy with our own lives and this way of communication became normal and still very valued by us. Good Luck on whatever you decide 🙂

[Guest_1584]

Hi op .

Yeah they'll do their thing but l'd give it another yr -18mths. 23 is 23 for some , but she may need you. And 18 is 18 for some, but it's still very young and a lot can happen in 2 mths or 6, 12- who knows, it changes fast at that age. l suppose it all depends on her make up. l was faced with this one 2yrs ago though my d was 18 near19 and man so glad l stayed. So much happened and l just thank the Gods ex and l both were still close to support and help her through. She's doing much better and hopefully things are coming together. l know you've been a mum since 18 buttttt, that was your choice but not long now your almost there.

On the man, only 9mths, you do get to spend good time every few wks, not too bad, it's still very early stages yet, we've been apart 18mths.