Mother in law issues

Janksie · ‎03-03-2016

Hi, I don't know how to begin all that is running in my mind. Ok here goes, I am living with my inlaws since I got married 8 years ago. They are usually very nice people, they care for me, genuinely concerned for me and only wish the best for me. In spite of knowing all that, I still have issues with my mother in law. Since I have come,she is always pointing out my mistakes, at first I took it lightly and told myself I'm learning it's ok but even now she picks on every little detail. It has gone to the point where my self esteem has dropped and I look at myself a a bad daughter in law and a loser. When I got my little boy( he is 10 months now) I told myself I will take full responsibility of him that would include making his meals, his every detail I would cover it. My inlaws had told me well in advance that if we have a child, I have to do everything for that child and that they will not do anything to assist. This was quite clear and I was ready for it,she does most of the stuff for my husband, and my husband doesn't like my cooking.now when I'm cooking for my son my way,she interferes, and keep trying to correct what in her eyes are mistakes and wrong, she is very concerned, if my baby crawls on the floor' oh he is getting dirty, don't put him on floor!' But the floor is clean. If my food for him doesn't taste good and my baby doesn't eat well " no wonder your food isn't nice, I will make nicer" so it really gets to me. I try to be calm but sometimes I just want to scream at her that it is my baby!!!

i am always stressed now and these issues have built up and made me depressed and am on medication.

What should I do? This everyday frustration gets to me. Oh and talking to her about it just makes things worse because she will cry for two days and my husband will probably not speak to me for a couple of days.

blue_eyes_90 · ‎03-03-2016

Omg!! I get your pain besides having a child bit.

I also live with my inlaws and iam one to help around the house, until i moved in (i work in a drycleaners) and she thinks i cant wash clothes.

If i go into the kitchen to make some muffins or something i make one little noise in the kitchen she comes out to help put the laper on the tray to get my ingredients out i stand there and let her go but it does make you feel as if you not worthy and she thinks you cnt do it or do it right.. i really want to move out but my other hlf says its the best for us bcoz we can save for a house yeh thats good and all but i think my sanity is more important. Like i dnt go around telling her she could clean her house more she has no job no license does nothing basically except nick pick on me..

Well my solution is that they have to feel in control and its like no we cnt be the perfect wife / girlfriend they want their son to want them.

It does suck im not sure on what to do other then move out but if you cnt, i also think your partber should be more on your side you both have a child now your own family and she needs to learn to stay out of it..

pipsy · ‎04-03-2016

Hi Janksie. You are in a spot, damned if you do, damned if you don't. Your hubby (like a lot of others) seems to be taking her side. Where is your FIL in all of this, I suppose like most men, he either heads for the 'hills', or takes MIL's side saying she is older, therefore wiser. While that part is undoubtedly true, what is also true is that babies frequently like to play in the dirt. A baby will go outside, cheerfully pick up a handful of dirt and put it in their mouth. It sounds as though your baby is picking up on all the stress around him and causing him not to eat. Could you and hubby afford to move into your own place? Bit of an insult hubby doesn't like your cooking. However, if this doesn't worry you, that's okay. Is your hubby actually aware of what's happening between you and his mum? You said she cries if you try talking to her and hubby won't talk to you, but have you yourself tried telling hubby what's going on. If she's the one telling him, he's only hearing her side. I wouldn't say anything too derogatory, but I would try to explain that your son is in no immediate danger and you feel as though you're not doing too bad looking after him. Tell hubby you've tried talking to his mum but you're not explaining very well and you need him there. If you have tried talking, but only get a 'deaf ear' you may have to try taking baby out on your own during the day. Spend time away from MIL take him to the park where you can let him crawl or whatever he wants. He's your son, it's up to you how you raise him, obviously MIL thinks she's helping, but she's causing you more distress. Another option, put baby into day care for a couple of hours a week, this would stop MIL's interference completely.

Hope I've helped you, given you some alternatives.

pipsy · ‎04-03-2016

Hi blue eyes. I can relate sort of with what you're saying about everytime you do 'something' in the kitchen out comes MIL. Telling hubby is not always an option though. We never lived with my in-laws, there's no way I would've. When I tried to talk to my hubby about his mother 'picking' on me, all I got was, mum's trying to help. Telling hubby sometimes makes it worse. I agree that MIL needs to learn to 'mind her own business', but getting this across without causing W.W.3 is quite problematic. Maybe another solution for you (I know this is not what you want to hear), instead of you doing anything in the kitchen yourself, try suggesting a difficult recipe (that you know) to her. A recipe that you know, but she is not familiar with. Ask her to make something she has no idea how to make. Walk away. When she gets frustrated, ask her if she knows how to make said recipe. If stubbornness refuses to let her say she has no idea, leave it. Eventually, she'll either give up and leave you alone, or she may ask for help. Unfortunately, because every kitchen is supposed to be the 'women's ' domain, each woman likes to be Queen of their own kitchen. Another idea springs to mind here, try asking for her help everytime you want to do something in the kitchen. Even though you don't need it, ask. Eventually she'll get sick of being asked, yes she'll abuse you, call you 'stupid'. That hurts I know, but the end result is, she may walk away in disgust and leave you to 'paddle your own canoe'.

I don't know how you feel about that idea, if you're not comfortable with it, don't do it. It was just an outside thought. My MIL had a frustrating way of telling me (everytime I asked for help) that the particular dish I wished to make was 'so easy'. That does not help either. I actually learnt alone in the end. Most of what she made I couldn't eat anyway, it was too sweet for me

Janksie · ‎04-03-2016

Dear blue eyes 90,

Thankyou very much much for your reply. Yes when you mention, I know I'm not alone, you totally understand what I'm going through as well as I know how difficult it must be for you. Well I can't move out but I think I will just have to go through it. Yes you are right my partner should be on my side but as a mother I think that it is ok for him to support his mother. So I always get confused there. I will have to think of a solution....

anyway, Thankyou and I hope your Mil improves for you too.

take care

Janksie · ‎04-03-2016

Dear Pipsy,

thankyou for for your response, just to give a little background, I belong to Indian ethnic group, and in our culture it is considered norm to live with inlaws. My husband and I had an arranged marriage, so I was aware of the fact that I was going to live with them. I didn't realise this would happen. Regarding my father in law, actually he is a very practical man, and would also try to stop my mil from interfering but he is not well and so adding that additional stress on him is not right. If he is there at the time when she picks on me, he tells her to stop. I talk to my husband about it and try to explain the difficulty I experience on a daily basis. He tries to find solutions but always I have to change and adjust around her not my mil.so it gets frustrating at times..

one day maybe she will learn to trust me I hope

thankyou

take care

geoff · ‎06-03-2016

dear Janksie, I love your avatar, but I wish life for you was so much better, however what ever country you were born in have their have traditions, however as the years continue on then change should and does happen, it must happen, such as here, people can start to learn to drive at the age of 16, so does 'norm' mean that you have to live with your in laws, I suppose this depends on how strong they follow their ethnic standards, but can I ask you whether or not you follow them.
When your husband is being looked after by his mother, that's the strength she wants, to control how he feels in every way possible, but it's certainly creating an unhealthy marriage, and problems will continue to happen, and this also means problems between you and hubby which could already have been going on.
People who are religious can stop being so, or it could happen the other way around, because they have choosen not to do what they were brought up to be, much to the disgust of their parents or spouse, but they have made a decision by themselves to break the code of their ethnics.
I couldn't stand living with my parents for 8 years, even though I loved them very much, because I don't believe that it's heathly for a couple with a young child to do so, because most times you are wrong in what you do.
Life is constantly changing, it always will whether we like it or not, just like my Dad and Mum were born 1919/1920 and imagine what they had to learn as everything was changing around them, it must have been enormous, and it will be no different to how my life turns out, in other words it has to change. Geoff x