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more love for drugs then me

Community Member
I have been in a relationship for around 4/5 years now. My partner has always been a heavy drug smoker throughout that time, however it never effected our relationship as we weren't living together.

i have asked him to cut down - to only smoking on weekends etc however its truly an addiction and he gets aggressive, tense and honestly awful to be around if he doesn't smoke for even a day. like most young people, he doesn't believe the drug is addictive however the way it makes you feel, the chemicals released and the tobacco its mixed with is addictive. he has said he will never quit and i think in all honesty its time for me to end the realtionship. He would rather spend his money on it then go out on a date with me, pay bills (which i pay all of), i've had to lend him money, he literally doesn't want to do anything with me...like wont even engage in a conversation unless stoned.
Here are some other things (these happen both stoned and sober)
- he wont eat unless I make it/offer it (and if i don't he will have a starvation strike)
-if i do buy food to make he is too lazy to make it (simple as making a wrap)
- i buy the groceries, as i am the one cooking and in all honesty he wouldn't spend his money on food even if there was none in the house
-if i asked to go out there is always an eye roll or a 'uuurgh why'
-he doesn't like living the house unless its to pick up drugs or see his friends to smoke it
-wont offer to make me a coffee, food, watch something however if i don't he'll get up and ask why i didn't offer him
-will come in at night asking to cuddle after he has spent the whole day not engaging with me
-wont be affectionate or even think about having sex with me (See's it as effort)
-i do all the washing/cleaning/organising and he does absolutely nothing to contribute (doesn't work)

it sounds like i am being a negative person, but in all honesty i can't see the positives in the realtionships anymore. he wont come and hang out with me because he says 'sitting with you watching something is boring' and i have said 'well how do you think i feel, i don't wont to be sitting here watching tv'.
6 Replies 6

Community Member

ultimately i don't think i am looking for advice, i think i needed to write down what was really happening so that i could see it in black and white and see the realtionship for what it really is. Asking someone to care about you in a realtionship is pretty demoralising and i think i have ultimatey stayed so long because i am scared of being single. now that i feel so lonely in this realtionship, i think what is there to fear as i'm basically not in one right now with the way he treats me or lack there of. feel empowered by writting this out

Community Member

Hi Emerald

You have said you can't see the positives in the relationship any more; from reading the above, I'm not surprised, I would be genuinely shocked if there were any. This isn't a relationship. I don't know what exactly I'd call it, but it's definitely not a relationship.

You pay all the bills, do all the cleaning, cooking, and are completely ignored unless he's seeking affection on his terms only. To be perfectly blunt with you, I have no idea why you are putting up with this, and I think you should talk to someone about this, because this is not normal or healthy for either of you. Do you not believe you deserve so much more than this? You are not his mother or slave, condemned to a life taking care of a man-baby who doesn't place any value whatsoever on your needs or goals in life. I would urge you to seriously evaluate why you are sticking around, and what you really want from life and from a partner.

He sounds like an addict to me, and I can tell you now from bitter experience, addicts will ALWAYS put their addiction first, it is the nature of the beast. You deserve someone who will go on adventures with you, who will love and respect you, and who has actual life skills, such as being able to do his own cooking and cleaning (and what's more, not actually think its worth noting that he can do those things, because they are such basic skills). You are not going to get it with this man. You are not responsible for him; you do not have to care for him, or clean up after him, or feed him, because 'how will he cope without me'. Not your problem. He will eventually learn to make a sandwich when he's hungry, he'll be fine. Allow me to repeat: His total lack of life skills are not your responsibility or your problem. No man with access to 2-minute noodles has ever starved to death.

If you do decide to end the relationship, prepare for some emotional blackmail or promises of change. He'll probably swear he can't survive without you, and promise to change. He will not change, these are empty words that he knows will get him what he wants, don't fall for it.

I hope you do talk to someone and find enough value within yourself to realise you are worth so much more than this nonsense, and to be able to walk away, find a new life, and the happiness you deserve.

Sometimes the hardest thing we can do is tell ourselves the truth. I love that you feel empowered having worked through your thinking. Just want to wish you all the best moving forward. You deserve to be in relationship where you feel good 🙂



It can be painful when you realise the reality is your partner cares more for drugs than for you.

I am glad you have written your story out and can see what is happening .

I took 9 years to realise my ex partner liked drink and drinking with strangers than spending time with me.

he said if you loved me you would let me drink. If you loved me you would understand. If you loved me you wouldn’t want me to change.

You need to be strong and look after yourself. Otherwise you will be full of self doubt.

Thanks so much for your response.
Honestly, i have heard everything you mentioned before from multiple people in my life. When they first started seeing warning signs i laughed them off as being overally sensative etc but when asked "why am i with him" I honestly can't answer it the question anymore. i need to build the strength to leave and i think i am almost there.

as i am writting on valentine's day, he is sitting in the spare room talking to his mate on xbox live (like most days). didn't plan anything, didn't say i love you..also says he can't afford to get me a gift (meanwhile he's heading out for a drive...if you know what i mean)

i think i used to enjoy the realtionship as i had little money to do things, so wasn't planning to go out on adventures/dates and was content with the entertainment of being at home spending time with my parnter, otherwise i would be at home alone. where as now that we both have some money and are adults being at home doing literally nothing doesn't appeal and witnessing his lack of energy and motivation in life is depressing and honestly wouldn't wish this relationship on my friends or family.

i do dream about being in a realationship with someone who is caring and thinks the world of me. Thanks again for taking the time to read my post!

Hello Dear EmeraldEmphasis..

I have read the posts on your thread and do not want to repeat anything that been said/suggested to you..

What I do want to say to you Dear Emerald..is that you need to look after you as much as you can...Inhaling the smoke from his addiction might also have some no good effects on you..Please do be careful and try hard to look after yourself....

His uncaring attitude towards you can as you said...can be depressive...and I’m concerned that your mental health might start going down due to his behaviour and addiction...Your partner should care, love and respect you at all times and he’s not doing that....

You are so very true in your dream....Your partner should love and care for you...and thinks the world of you...Your current partner isn’t doing any of that.....I hope so very much that your dream becomes a reality dear Emerald....You so much deserve nothing less then your dream....as everyone does....

My kindest and most caring thoughts.,